All the More For That

aka the crème brûlée fic

raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice

Kris Allen has always been a laid-back kind of guy, but that doesn’t mean he’d shirk his responsibilities and his assistant of five years should know that. Looking at the ripened tomato color of Penny's face, he thinks she does know; she just doesn’t understand why he’s rushing to make it to a wedding he didn’t even receive an invitation to. After all, she also knows him well enough to know he hates weddings.

“Deep breaths, Penny. Deep breaths. I’m not saying I’m going off radar for a month. It’s just a couple of days and I’ll be back before you know it.”

He throws a couple of rolled up socks into his suitcase and smiles at her over the lid.

“Do not give me that smile Kristopher Allen! You can’t just dump everything at the last minute. Not at a time like this!”

Kris rolls his eyes and gives Penny a smacking kiss on the side of the head on his way to the closet. “The album’s all wrapped up. I’ll be back in time for most of the TV appearances. We’ll just let a few things slide while I’m away. It’s not the end of the world.”

She huffs, crossing her arms over her chest. “Of course. Just let them slide. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh wait! Maybe because we’re trying to promote an album!”

“Penny come on,” Kris says, “this is important, okay? It’s Allison, I have to be there.”

Giving up, she sits on the bed, watching him pack his shirts. “Okay, I know everyone you’ve seen and spoken to in the last five years. I have, like, color-coded spreadsheets and pie charts with their names on them, okay?”

Kris smiles at her. Weirdo. She probably does have pie charts.

“So I know for a fact that you haven’t seen Allison for at least that long. What gives? Why is this so important now? Didn't you try giving yourself alcohol poisoning so you wouldn’t have to attend Charlie’s wedding last year?”

Kris smirks. “Gonna play it like that, huh?”

“Just telling the truth. You don't get to charm your way out of everything, you don’t get to lie and cheat and avoid talking to me, okay? You have to tell me what I need to know or I’ll make mistakes. And you don’t want me making mistakes, Allen. We all remember Mother's Day of 2013.”

Kris does remember that. His mother sure as hell remembers it. It's not every day one of her sons sent her flowers she is allergic to. It's a story they revisit every Mother's Day since then. Kris can't possibly forget it.

"Okay. You're right. I'm sorry," he says, hands up in surrender. "It's not a big deal though. It's not like I was actively hiding anything. I haven't talked to her in... God, I don't even know how long. But she was a good friend.  She is a good friend. Back when I first got divorced and moved to Chicago, we lived together for a while."

"Oh, wow. Were you two like--"

"No!" he says, taken aback. "No, of course not. She was like a sister. She was eighteen and leaving home for the first time, and her mom liked me." He shrugs. "It was a tough time for both of us. I didn't want to be alone, she didn't want to be alone. It worked out."

He remembers Allison walking into his apartment the first day; dropping her bags on the floor and saying "Aren't you like a super star now, Allen? Why the hell are you living in this dump?" And then she hugged him and didn't let him feel lonely or depressed for the next six months. "You're allowed to be sad," she had said magnanimously, "but if I see an ounce of self-pity here, there will be hell to pay." Admittedly, he was a bit messed up back then, and he had her to credit for pulling him back together.

"Okay. I get that," Penny says. "I just wish I had more time. MTV's gonna be pissed."

~

Kris boards the plane at the last minute, settles down in his seat and closes his eyes gratefully. He hasn't let himself think since the moment his mom called and told him about Allison trying to reach him. It took him almost a day to get Allison on the phone and another to make the arrangements. For two days now all he let himself think was Allison wants me there, I have to make this happen. It didn't matter how long it'd been since they'd last seen each other; there are some people you just don't forget. Allison is synonymous with comfort for him, a part of his life he should never have let go of. But now that he has finally stopped to breathe, his mind settles on the thing he's been studiously avoiding. Another person he lost will also be there.

Adam.

That's what she had said on the phone. "You have to come! Anoop is coming, Matt is coming, even Adam's coming. It's like a reunion!"

Adam's coming.

He feels a strange mix of fear/excitement/nervousness. There are butterflies in his stomach - and not in a nice way. He has to actively try to suppress the rising panic, and also, wow, nausea. Allison is important and precious to him, he'd drop everything to run to her when she asks, but Adam—Adam is something else altogether.

Kris had been so young when they met. Back then he'd thought he knew exactly how his life was going to go. Katy, kids, music, with a house on the suburbs and barbecues on Sundays. He knows now how ridiculous it was to think he'd figured life out at 23. To think he knew himself so fully. Then he'd gone on Idol and met Adam and his life had broadened exponentially. Not everything had changed though; he'd still loved Katy, he'd still wanted that life he'd dreamed about, so he'd thought okay, this is growth, this is good. Little did he know that life didn't work like that. You didn't grow and change and still want the same things.

He'd been so confused. The competition and everything that followed had been a whirlwind, and he'd found himself holding onto the things he knew and letting go of everything that seemed threatening, no matter how extraordinary they were. Adam had been a big part of what seemed threatening. Actually, looking back now, he could even say Adam had been it.

Kris had liked Adam from the very first conversation they’d had. Adam had made a strong first impression for sure, what with the hair and the make up and the clothes, but it wasn't just the look; he was a genuinely good person. He was funny and smart. Kris had thought there was nothing there not to like, let alone dislike. They'd hit it off like nothing he'd ever experienced before.

Kris had always been good with people; but he'd never had anyone get him so completely, so fast. In a week, they were good friends; in a month, Adam could give him a look over Danny's head and Kris would know exactly what he meant. He'd liked that feeling of closeness; he'd only ever had that with people he'd known almost all his life. With Adam, it was both comforting and exciting. Like at first sight. Instant best friends.

Then inexplicably it had gone even beyond that. They'd gotten closer and closer until he didn't know how he'd be able to let Adam go when the competition was over. He'd told himself it was okay to love friends that much, that way. When it was time to part ways, he'd miss Adam, sure, but life would go on. What he couldn't admit to himself or anyone else (even though he knew, he couldn't not know a thing that big) was that he'd miss the physicality of their relationship just as much as the camaraderie. The quiet moments in between the running and the rushing and the practicing, when they lounged on his bed and talked about what life had been like before, the way they’d hugged and how it made him feel so warm inside. Adam's a physical guy, he reasoned, nothing wrong with that. And it fuelled him even more when people poured hate and ridicule on Adam for being who he is. It's wrong and I'm making a point, he'd told Katy. I'm not about to let a bunch of hateful people make me feel self-conscious about this friendship. So he'd slapped on a smirk and hugged Adam back every time.

Adam gave great hugs. He was the cuddliest person Kris had ever met. He was always warm and he had those big hands that whenever they patted Kris on the back or held onto his arm or neck, made it feel a bit like Christmas. He remembers once walking off the stage in a daze after Simon had said something extra nasty to him, feeling the world collapsing around him, and Adam had grabbed him from behind, turned him around and hugged him until Kris could breathe again. He remembers clutching at Adam's sides and burying his face in Adam's shoulder and letting himself just breathe. Adam had always smelled like make-up and leather. That combination still makes Kris think of him at odd times.

Kris doesn't mind when life gives him lemons. He is good at making the best of lemons. He just thinks it sucks that when life gave him crème brûlée, he didn't know what to do with it.

It was a Saturday morning when he realized just how out of his depth he was. He had woken up before the alarm that morning and the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was Adam sleeping across the room. He was wearing a white t-shirt and loose blue pajama bottoms, the white sheets tangled around his legs. His face looked puffy and vulnerable without make-up. His bare feet were hanging off the bed. And Kris loved him completely. Adam made him melt inside and Kris was addicted to that feeling. His mind conjured an image of himself crawling into that bed, those sheets, those arms and waking Adam up with his hands on his cheeks... The thought didn't go any further, because even his subconscious wouldn't let it get that far, but it jarred him enough that he couldn't look Adam in the eye for days.

He tried to pull himself together, but it was not easy. He reasoned with himself that everyone had thoughts like that; it was no big deal. The two of them were close, they lived in each other's pockets, it was inevitable. The fact that it was a guy didn't give him any sleepless nights, but that it was Adam... that messed him up good.

He was tense for weeks after that. Adam noticed, of course he did, he was too smart and intuitive not to. He gave him a couple of confused looks, but then put on a mask of ignorance and pulled back a little bit to give him space. Kris didn't want space, he wanted their easy friendship back. But he also couldn't touch Adam and not feel excited/guilty/nauseous, so what he wanted was a moot point.

It took a while and when Adam finally gave up on him, Kris felt the change in his bones. Adam seemed so sad and resigned, it was heart-breaking. Their easy banter eventually came back. Adam, who was obviously trying to reconstruct a semblance of a friendship from the ashes of something more, was strong even in defeat. Kris was the weak and inadequate one and he still to this day doesn't think he deserved even that much from Adam.

Things went back to normal (of a sort) and Kris relaxed into the new shape of their friendship. The competition was coming to an end and his panic had receded to a manageable level. Even Danny didn't bother him much. If Adam could handle Danny plus a couple million people being dicks to him with poise and grace, the least Kris could do was not make a big deal out of the couple incidents he witnessed. Adam didn't need saving from anyone. His admiration for Adam soared to new heights every day during that time, watching him make all the right decisions. He will win, he remembers thinking, and I won't even get to feel bad for losing. Adam had the talent, the charisma and the strength to win a dozen of those things and not bat an eyelash while doing it.

He remembers walking into the kitchen one day and hearing Adam's bored voice saying "I'm not ashamed, or embarrassed, or apologizing." The scene was one of millions he'd witnessed between the two; Danny sitting on a stool enjoying his breakfast and probably making Adam think homicidal thoughts while doing it. "I am what I am and I'm not going to hide."

Adam adopted that bored tone of voice only when he was annoyed. It was hard to really get under his skin. Kris didn't think he'd ever seen Adam really angry in all those months.

Kris walked in, looked directly into Danny's eyes and said, "Because he's fabulous just the way he is," and took a sip of Adam's coffee to hide his smile. Danny made a disgusted sound, but it was hard to irritate him to the point of abandoning food. Kris couldn't care less about him. Adam looked pleasantly surprised and bumped their shoulders, saying, "Damn right, I am," and it was almost like the old days again.

The night before the last show with Danny, things finally came undone. He and Adam were sprawled over the giant sofa in the living room. An Audrey Hepburn movie was playing on TV but it was on mute and Kris couldn't tell which one it was. Neither of them were watching it anyway. Adam was looking through a magazine and mumbling a song under his breath and Kris was looking at the screen with blank eyes, lost in thought. Suddenly Adam's hand reached over to grab his wrist, startling him and making him realize he was biting his nails again. "That is no way to treat your nails," Adam said. Their eyes met and this time Kris couldn't look away. He didn't know what the hell he was feeling, but it was paralyzing. Lust, love, envy; he was almost ready now to admit to it, at least to himself, if he only knew how to name it.

Adam had black beads wrapped around his neck and he still had his combat boots on. Nothing about him meshed with what Kris had ever wanted in his life before, but he was the single most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Kris thought maybe he'd just never known to want this. Maybe if he'd known Adam sooner--

Kris honestly couldn't tell how long they stayed frozen that way, all he knew was that he didn't breathe until Adam's fingers moved, a slow caress on the inside of his wrist, and his breath came out a soft gasp. What Adam saw in his face at that moment Kris didn't want to know, because, knowing Adam, he'd probably seen more than Kris even knew he felt. Adam pulled him in and hugged him to his chest. He kissed Kris' temple and let him hide his face in his neck. Kris wished he could be cool and collected like Adam, but he wasn't built that way. He didn't think he was physically capable of handling so many contradicting emotions.

"Sssshhh," Adam whispered to him. "It's okay. You're okay." Kris made a choking noise. Nothing was okay. It didn't feel as if things were ever going to be okay again. Adam pulled him away from his chest and framed his face between his hands. He had a crease between his brows which Kris knew meant he was either concentrating hard or was very confused. "You know I wouldn't--" he said, stopping mid-sentence. "Cause I would never--"

To someone else that could have meant anything, but Kris knew what Adam was saying, and why he wasn't actually saying it. "I know. Me neither," he said.

They shared a sad smile. "Come here," Adam said. Kris settled under his arm, snuggled down, and they watched Audrey Hepburn on mute.

That was the moment they came closest to acknowledging it. Neither of them were going to do anything about it, and there was no use dwelling on something that was never going to happen. Kris told himself it was for the best anyway. Even if he hadn't been married, he couldn't have had Adam. Adam was so far out of his league, it wasn't even funny. They obviously hit it off, but in the end that didn't mean much, did it? They were still polar opposites in every way imaginable. Adam was out and loud and in your face and Kris couldn't imagine him being with someone so plain and shy like him. His life would bore Adam to tears.

Kris prepared himself to leave it all behind. Adam was going to win Idol and be a huge rock star and Kris was going to make some albums and hopefully be that guy people listened to occasionally on the radio. It wasn't likely that their lives would connect much in the future; he'd probably make enough money to make sure his family was safe, and he could always tell his kids about how he'd met Adam Lambert back in the day.

But that was not what happened.

Kris won.

It was the single most unbelievable thing to happen to him and a part of him hated it. For every voter who liked Kris Allen, there was another who hated Adam Lambert and didn't care who won as long as he didn't. Kris felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it. If only they knew that the one they chose was something even ‘worse’; he was the hypocrite and the liar and the coward.

Adam didn't agree.

When it was time to say goodbye, Katy left for the car to give them some time. The two of them shuffled around a bit, not wanting to let it end yet, but also a bit scared to hold on too tight. "You should have won," Kris said. "This isn't right."

"Hey." Adam hugged him. "Hey, no, come on."

"It's the truth."

Adam pulled back, but didn't let go of Kris' arms. "I wanted to win. But I wanted you to win too. It's all good. Everything is gonna be great."

Kris smiled and rolled his eyes at him. He didn't think there was anyone as nice or inherently good in the whole of the Christian community. "We're gonna be huge," Adam said. "I'm gonna be huge, and you're gonna be huge, and everything is gonna be great."

Kris opened his mouth, but Adam put a hand over it before he could talk. "I am awesome and I know all. Stop doubting me, Allen. Just say 'okay, Adam' and let the powers that be guide you down the path or something, okay?"

Kris rose an eyebrow at him.

"Okay," Adam said, "I'm gonna let go now. You know what to do." He nodded at Kris and mouthed 'okay Adam' for good measure.

Kris smiled. "Okay, Adam," he said.

"There you go," Adam said, giving him a pat on the arm. "Now you go back to your wife and celebrate the hell out of this."

"Okay, Adam."

"I'll see you soon," Adam said and bumped fists with him. "You’ll be sick of me by the end of the summer," he said, burying his hands in his pockets. His hair was in his eyes and he was biting his lip. Kris wanted time to tell Adam the million and one things in his mind, so Adam could sort them out for him and make them make sense. They were out of time though, this part of their lives was over and all Kris said was "Okay, Adam," before he turned around and left.

~

Kris refuses both the food and the drink the flight attendant offers him, he's way too nervous for airplane food.

This is not the first time he's thought about those days since then, but this is the first time he means to do something about it. About Adam. It was wrong place/wrong time nine years ago, but Kris thinks maybe today is the right time. Or maybe there is no right time. Maybe they would never work, not meant to be. But either way he wants to know.

You don't know what small thing will shape your future while you live through things. He'd never thought Idol would bring about the end of his marriage. He and Katy struggled against the inevitable for the longest time, they both desperately wanted to make it work. They even tried to have a baby towards the end. It was the absolute wrong thing to do and even if they hadn't lost the baby, they probably would have fallen apart anyway, but they did lose her and they took it as a sign and stopped trying after that.

Kris didn't call Adam after his divorce. For one thing, he didn't think Adam would want him to. Adam was not a loser like Kris, he wouldn't get stuck on a guy he’d met way back when. And besides, that still felt like cheating. He could be with other people and not feel guilty, but Adam, in a way, had been the reason his marriage failed, he (or the idea of him anyway) was what had come between him and Katy. Kris would feel like a complete scumbag calling him over the cooling corpse of his marriage.

His love life did not get better with time. He hated the fact that a part of his mind was stuck forever on Adam and Katy. Every woman he met had to be twice as good as Katy to merit a second glance and apparently there was no such thing. But if they weren't anything extraordinary then what was the point of him not being with Katy instead? Katy had been his wife and best friend and she had loved him completely, but he'd still left her in the end. What did these women have to compare?

It was even worse when it came to men. He wasn't gay, but meeting Adam had opened up a part of him that did appreciate men. That didn't mean he could ever settle on one and have a real relationship. In the end he couldn't stop comparing all of them to Adam, and who could beat the most talented, gorgeous, nice man he'd ever met?

This trip, he thinks, will maybe be the one thing to settle his mind about that. He figures he's built Adam up in his mind in the last nine years, and now he'll see him and talk to him and realize that he is only a man like any other. It will be closure if nothing else.

The plane starts to descend, and in Kris' stomach, the butterflies dance.

 

falling slowly, eyes that know me

Kris hears her laugh the moment he enters the hotel. He always liked her laugh. She laughs like nothing matters in the world. It's a small hotel and he can see her seated at the bar from where he's standing, so he sends his bags up to his room and goes over to join her.

She still looks like a baby to him. A loud baby who demands a lot of attention, but still. She's practically holding court in there, people enraptured by the way she tells her story, whatever it is. One of the guys in her group says something to her and she turns around, looking towards Kris. He waves. Her answering smile is dazzling.

"Ohmygod!" she shrieks. She runs over to him and throws herself in his arms. "Ohmygod, ohmygod, I can’t believe you're here!"

She's small, but she's not that small. For a minute there he thinks they'll topple over backwards and wouldn't that be a great start to this thing.

"Woah, easy," he says, planting her feet back on the ground.

"Not as young as you used to be, huh, old man?" she says cheekily.

"Brat."

They are smiling so wide, Kris thinks their faces will stick that way. She pulls him towards her small table, considerably less crowded now than it was a moment ago, and sits so close to him she's practically in his lap. "People," she announces proudly, "this is my Kris. He's gonna be my bridesmaid."

Everyone laughs. "No one said anything about bridesmaids," Kris protests.

Allison pouts at him, batting her eyelashes. That had worked when she was 16. Right now, not so much.

"You're shameless," he says.

Her smile turns wicked. "But Adam promised to be a bridesmaid. I can't split you guys up. It'll be, like, seven years of bad luck."

Kris gets a flash of Adam in a satin dress. "He probably just wants an excuse to wear high heels."

"I never need an excuse to wear high heels."

This is the moment, Kris thinks. He expects there to be music and maybe he'll turn around in slow motion and birds will fly overhead. But it's just a moment like any other. Fireworks don't go off and he's up and facing Adam before he knows he moved.

Adam has lost a lot of weight, too much if you ask Kris. His hair is short and black, and he has crow's feet around his eyes. (Which Kris thinks makes him look even more sexy. More real, he had thought the first time he'd noticed them on TV.) He's not really different though. His pants are still too tight, his nails are still painted black, and yes, he still makes Kris' heart race.

It's surprisingly easy, hugging Adam. A part of Kris had feared that they'd be strangers now, but Adam has this tiny, happy smile on his face and Kris has one to match; it feels like they parted ways days ago instead of years. It takes a while for them to let go and Kris feels breathless when they do. Allison is whining about wanting her Kris back, so he sits back down next to her and Adam slips into the chair across from them. Kris orders a beer and nurses it for an hour as he lets the conversation wash over him. Allison talks about her boyfriend Blake and his band, about her best friend Bell who's nine months pregnant and on her way to Vegas right now, cursing Allison's timing. She's happy and excited and Kris loves her kind of a lot.

But his face is burning from the weight of Adam’s stare.  He constantly feels Adam's gaze on him, hot and heavy, but whenever he dares to look over he's looking away. Maybe he's paranoid. Maybe he's losing his mind. Under the circumstances it would not surprise Kris.

Allison's friends leave one by one, most of whom Kris realizes she met at the hotel only days before. In the end, only the three of them are left.

"So you've got, what, two and a half days?" Adam asks. "What's the game plan here? Do you need me to do anything?"

Allison considers the question for a moment. "Well. I mean there's not much to do. I already booked a place by the lake, I'm gonna get a dress--"

Adam looks scandalized. "You don't have a dress yet?!"

"Hey, look, this was a last minute thing, okay? I proposed, like, three days ago. It took me long enough to get a hold of everyone I want to invite, I didn't have time to hash out the details. Anyway, if I wanted a big fancy wedding, I would have planned this thing better, but I don't. I just want my friends there. So, you know, I'll just go get a dress tomorrow. It's Vegas. I'm sure they have plenty of dresses."

Adam is muttering under his breath and scrolling through the contact list on his phone. Kris smirks. "You proposed?"

Allison smiles at him. "I'm not one for tradition."

"That's my girl."

They watch Adam pace in front of the bar and talk to at least four different people on the phone, gesticulating wildly. He finally comes back and announces: "Come on, we're gonna get you a dress."

~

It's scary how well Adam knows Las Vegas. He's taking them somewhere through back alleys that would have scared Kris during daylight, let alone at night. Judging by the way Allison glues herself to his side, she's feeling the same.

"I've worked around here on and off for years," he says when they ask. "I know this woman, she does my costumes sometimes. She's really good. I'm sure she has some stuff lying around."

"We should've had dinner first," Allison says. This is the third time she’s mentioned dinner since they left the hotel. Kris feels for her, he does, but he doesn't think Adam will let her stop and eat before they find a dress. Apparently they are going to find the perfect dress or die trying. Adam takes dresses very seriously.

"We're almost there."

The building looks like a warehouse. The door's open, so they walk right up to the second floor which is an enormous open space with a couch, a sewing machine, a table, and racks and racks of costumes. There's an old woman with long blond hair sitting by the window, fixing what seems to be a feathery hat. She looks up at their footsteps.

"Well, hello, Mr. Lambert."

"Hey, Celeste." Adam hugs her. They smile at each other and she kisses his cheek.

"It's been too long, my lovely."

"That it has."

"So which one is the bride?" she asks Adam with an arched brow. Adam smirks at her. She shrugs. "You said tiny and pretty," she says. "They're both tiny and pretty."

Allison's laugh chimes in the room. She apparently loves the twinkly-eyed old woman. Kris has to admit it's hard not to. "Hi, I'm Allison."

"And I am Celeste," she says, half bowing. "And I know who you are young lady, because my granddaughters love your music." She turns to Kris. "And you must be Kris Allen. I do so enjoy your song about the shadows and the heart and something." She walks towards the racks, still talking. "I can never remember the lyrics," she says. "But that song is very touching."

Kris smiles. "I'm glad you like it."

Celeste settles them on the couch and ushers Allison toward a curtained off area, her arms full of dresses. Adam watches them proudly, his eyes dancing with mirth. Kris can't remember the last time he felt so happy just watching someone else be happy.

Allison seems to have forgotten her hunger; she wants to try on everything. Not many of the dresses Celeste brings her are wedding gowns and Allison flatly refuses to wear white anyway, so it's a parade of medieval ball gowns, and sequined disco dresses, angel and fairy costumes, and leather. It starts off fun for him, but even Adam gets bored after a while, and starts poking through the racks to pass the time.

Allison comes out from behind the curtain for the millionth time, wearing a big black gown with something over it that looks a bit like chain-mail. She twirls (making the metal pieces in her dress clank) and looks at him expectantly. Kris doesn't have the words. "Adam," he says. "Help!"

Adam swivels around in his chair and shocks a chuckle out of Kris. He's been playing around with make up and the end result is two very glittery eyelids. "Oh, honey, no," Adam says. "I told you, you're not wearing black. Also, that dress is hideous." He stands and places his hands firmly on Allison’s shoulders, turning her back around and pushing her towards the curtain. "Think Disney. Think Cinderella."

"I'm not wearing pink!" comes Allison's muffled voice from behind the curtain.

"Cinderella's dress was blue, you ignorant child!" Adam throws himself on the couch with a dramatic sigh. "She's very high maintenance," he says, his cheek pressed to the back of the couch, glitter smeared all over the place.

"Familiar, isn't it?" Kris says.

"Whatever do you mean?" Adam says, batting his fake eyelashes at him. Kris cracks up.

Allison comes out again. "What do you think?" she asks.

"Horrid," Adam says.

Kris makes a face. He doesn't want to be mean. Adam is mean enough for the both of them.

"Seriously, sweetheart, you look like a prostitute," Adam adds.

Allison pouts.

~

An hour later finds them eating Celeste's leftover stale cookies and still without a dress. Celeste has left them to their own devices, giving Adam a key and telling him to lock up when they leave. Allison is still insisting on trying on everything that does not resemble a wedding gown. Kris is almost ready to call this whole thing a wash.

While Allison put on dress after dress after dress, Adam has tried on a couple dozen hats (the black veil-thing being the most memorable one), put on and wiped off five different eye shadows (all in outrageous colors) and tried to make Kris wear a cape. But he's been strangely quiet the last ten minutes; Kris would bet that he's either doing something very productive or completely crazy.

When he does finally come out of the racks, he's holding a bunch of dresses in pale colors. Kris has to admit that, from what he can see, the bundle shows promise. Not that he knows anything about dresses, but they do look wedding-y to him.

"Try these," Adam says, throwing the dresses over the curtain rod. A muffled thud comes from Allison, hopefully from the dresses landing on her and not her landing on the floor, and she grumbles about dying from hunger and eating a dress. Adam ignores her whining, goes over to the mirror, picks something up and sits down cross-legged on the couch facing Kris, his feet tucked under him, shoes long abandoned.

"Give me your hand," he says.

Seeing the bottle of black nail polish in his hand, Kris smiles. He tries to stop himself (don't be so frickin' obvious) but his face won't cooperate.

"You know you want to," Adam teases.

He'd give both his hands and feet in a heartbeat, to be painted hot pink even, but he doesn't want to seem too desperate. Which he is. But he can't say no either, because Adam wants to touch his hand and Kris would probably die if he missed an opportunity like this. So he sighs and says "Okay, just one," like the whole thing is such a chore.

Adam's smile is all teeth as he grabs Kris’ hand and holds his pinkie steady. He carefully maneuvers the brush on the small nail and moves on to the next one, completely disregarding Kris' one nail condition. Kris doesn't complain. He's physically incapable with the lump in his throat.

When he's done with the whole hand, Adam blows on Kris' nails to dry the polish. His breath is cool against Kris’ suddenly burning skin and Kris jumps, startled. Adam looks up and their eyes meet and Kris goes back nine years and a million miles. Adam opens his mouth to say something, but gets interrupted by Allison's squeal. "OhmyGod!"

Kris pulls his hand back like Adam poured acid on his nails instead of polish. "What?" he rasps. His throat is suddenly very dry.

"This. This is it."

She's wearing a cream colored dress; it looks kind of old fashioned to Kris; very long skirt, very long sleeves, he can't even see her hands. It does look great on her though. Kris is pretty sure that Adam can't call her a prostitute with that one.

Adam leaves the couch, suddenly all business, fixing the neckline, pulling at the waist. He mumbles something about shoes. Allison, in the meantime, is practically radiating happiness despite the manhandling.

"You look beautiful," Kris says.

She gives him a grin and looks over at Adam expectantly. "Eh," Adam says. "The waist needs to be taken in a bit and you can't wear heels with this, but in a pinch you'll do I guess."

She throws her arms around him.

~

It's almost 10:00 PM when they get around to eating. They get burgers from a place Adam recommends and a bottle of whiskey from a convenience store on Allison's insistence and drive out to the desert.

"Bridal shower underneath the stars," Allison says.

"But we didn't get you anything!" Kris protests.

"You got me yourselves! And a dress! Oh my God, I love my dress!"

Adam has a blanket in the trunk of his car which cracks Allison up. ("I'm not saying anything. Seriously," she says in between bouts of uncontrollable giggling.) They spread it out on the ground and have an impromptu picnic.

They talk about nothing and everything. The wedding is a popular topic, so is Blake Grayson. Kris has heard a couple of his songs on the radio, but he's not sure if he likes them or not. He sure hopes he deserves Allison. Adam seems to think he does; apparently he knows this Blake person well. Kris tells himself he's not jealous that Allison and Adam kept in touch. He's happy for them, really. They have a solid friendship. Good for them. Besides, he's here now, isn't he? It's not like they kicked him to the curb.

Out of the blue, Allison says, "You guys should sing me something."

"Right now?" Adam asks.

"At the wedding. I mean Blake's band will do the music and Bell is a DJ, so we're not hurting there. But I'd rather if you guys sang something for the first dance or whatever."

Kris gives Adam a nervous look. Adam meets his eyes and nods at him confidently. (He used to do that to Kris a lot. It was always a confidence boost.) "Sure thing, baby girl," Adam answers for both of them.

They lie down eventually, the day beginning to catch up with them. Kris can feel the jet-lag settling in. Allison opens the bottle of whiskey and they pass it around, singing softly and watching the stars. They used to do that at the mansion, Kris can't believe he forgot about it. Allison loved the garden at night and even though they didn't see any stars there, it was nice to just relax without the producers or the handlers or the mansion staff around. It was a saving grace for Kris to have people to get away with in there, because even though the mansion was big enough to house the population of his home town and still leave room to spare, it became stifling surprisingly quickly.

He doesn't have anything he wants to run away from in his life right now, but he still likes the feeling of abandonment in moments like this. He looks up at the sky and everything but the three of them fade. This blanket, he thinks, is floating in space. Kris closes his eyes and lets Adam's raspy voice wash over him. He's singing a very lazy version of Maybe I'm Amazed. Kris sincerely hopes this is not a dream. He has been known to have vivid dreams about Adam at odd intervals, so he's always on his toes about that.

Allison calls Blake at one point and apparently Blake comes over. Kris thinks maybe he drank a bit too much, because he doesn't remember the guy showing up at all, but right now Blake and Allison are dancing next to a truck that hadn't been there the last time he looked. "Blake's here?" he says to Adam faintly, feeling stupid and slow.

Adam looks at him. He loves that Adam is looking at him. He's waited a long time for Adam to look at him again. But Adam's eyes are doing the worried thing and Kris does not want to worry him. Maybe he should get up, he thinks. He should act natural. He did so well today, not needy, not obvious, just right. He doesn't want to ruin it now.

"You're drunk," Adam says, surprised. "You are such a light-weight."

Kris frowns. "No, I'm not."

"Oh yes you are." He can't tell if Adam is teasing him or making fun of him.

Allison's shoes walk into his line of sight and he looks up. She looks funny from this angle.

"We're gonna go," Blake says to Adam. "Are you good to drive?"

"Yeah. You kids go have fun now." Allison blows them kisses and makes a weird face at Adam. Adam makes a weird face back at her. Kris feels jealous of their friendship and weird faces, and then promptly makes himself delete those thoughts from his mind, hitting his metaphorical backspace button with a vengeance. It's not their fault that he's a crappy friend.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Adam calls after them. Kris wonders what that could possibly be.

~

Kris is a little bit cold since he's using his jacket as a pillow, but he's finally alone with Adam and he's not about to disturb the tranquil of the moment by bringing up something stupid and making Adam realize that, hey, he can be back in his cozy room back at the hotel right now. Kris empathically does not want to go back to the hotel. They can sleep out in the desert for all he cares.

"Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time," Adam sings softly, and Kris continues without thinking.

"Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you."

A pause follows that makes Kris cringe inside. He didn't mean to do that.

Adam continues after a second. "Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time." Kris joins him with relief. "You hung me on a line. Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you."

"This is a good song. Maybe we can sing this at the wedding." Adam is looking at him now. Kris is kind of afraid to turn his head around.

"Too melancholy, I think."

"Hmm," is all Adam says.

Kris thinks Adam has been too quiet all day. Way too subdued, by his standards. Kris doesn't think that's a good omen. Adam is either preoccupied with something else, which means seeing Kris is not that big a deal for him, or he's hurt and/or pissed at Kris. Kris doesn't know which he'd rather.

"Are you mad at me?" he asks before he can stop himself. "I mean-- you just-- I feel like you're mad at me."

Adam keeps looking at him. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe not, but Kris is definitely blushing.

"I am a little bit mad," Adam admits.

"About?" Kris prods, shooting Adam a sideways glance and looking quickly back up.

Adam sighs. "It's been nine years, Kris. You could have called, you could have e-mailed, you could have taken out an ad in the fucking paper!"

"So could you," Kris says.

"That's different."

Kris thinks Adam is maybe right, but it's still not fair. Kris is allowed to be confused and scared. "I didn't know if you'd want me to," he says finally.

"That's because you're stupid."

"Hey," Kris says, turning on his side to face Adam. "There's life and stuff. Things don't just stay the same. How was I supposed to know you didn't think I was a loser now or something?"

"Yeah, like I said, stupid."

Kris splutters. "Your hair's stupid."

They freeze for a moment, looking at each other, then crack up, giggling like school girls. "My hair's awesome," Adam says finally. It is, Kris has to admit. Short and sort of all over the place, Kris loves it.

"I missed your stupid hair," Kris blurts out. He's not sure why he ever thought drinking was a good idea. He gets stupid when he's drunk.

Adam's smile is radiant. "I missed your stupid hair, too."

Adam can never stay mad at him. They have a weird chemistry with each other, it's almost out of their hands. Kris has doubts aplenty, but that just isn't one of them.

Adam tugs Kris over to him, pulling at the jacket under his head to fit them closer together. Kris finds his face pressed against Adam's shoulder. It's a familiar place for him to be. He's been there before. He likes it there. He thinks he could possibly live there. Adam's arm comes around him to give him a half hug and Kris buries his face deeper into the soft fabric of Adam's shirt. "I missed you," he murmurs, enjoying the feel of Adam's muscles through the fabric against his lips. Almost a kiss.

Adam squeezes him once and relaxes. Kris tries to keep himself awake but falls asleep without realizing.

~

Opening his eyes, the first thing Kris sees is Adam's face looking down at him. It wakes him up real quick.

"Hey," Adam says.

"Hey," Kris echoes. He's frozen with fear. Adam isn't moving. He's not pulling back. He's not looking away. He's not even smiling. What, what, WHAT? Kris wants to scream.

"Your face has changed," Adam says. His finger trails down the side of Kris' face, moving towards his chin, then travelling along his lips. He has a familiar intense look in his eyes. He used to look at me like this all the time, Kris thinks. Did that mean he wanted to kiss me? His eyes search Adam's face. He can't tell. Seriously. What, what, WHAT?

"Smile."

"What?"

Adam's finger prods one side of his mouth. "Smile," he repeats. When Kris keeps looking at him quizzically, he crosses his eyes and makes a funny face. It startles a chuckle out of Kris and his lips curve up. Adam's finger traces the crooked bow. "See, I missed this the most," he says. "Your smile is the same."

Kris is breathing so hard, he can see his own chest going up and down and up and down hypnotically. He doesn't know what to do here; he hopes Adam does. "Adam," he begins, his voice coming out breathy like he ran a marathon, but Adam whispers 'shush' and Kris obeys without thinking. There's room for only one thought in his head and it keeps scrolling through on an endless loop. He's going to kiss you now. You waited ten years for this. He's going to kiss you now.

But then Adam's phone rings.

Adam scrambles up to answer, because of course he had to wear skin tight pants, and all air leaves Kris in a whoosh. He feels dizzy. Rapid decompression, his mind supplies helpfully. He gets up in a daze, because he feels vulnerable sitting there on that blanket when Adam is talking to someone all cheerful (as if the world didn't shake just now) already back in the real world, his feet planted firmly on the ground. (Though for Kris, standing up doesn't help much, he still feels like he's hurtling through the stars.)

Kris hears the one-sided conversation without really listening for it or understanding the words, but something registers after a while. The body language, the tone of voice, he's not sure what tips him off, but there's no denying it once he hears Adam say softly, "I'll see you when I get home. Yeah. You, too. Bye."

"You have a boyfriend," Kris states, before he can stop and think about it. It doesn't come out as a question, but he thinks he'd have to say it a couple million times to really accept it as a fact.

Adam looks at him, startled. Kris repeats. "You do. You have a boyfriend."

Kris is going to have a heart attack at thirty-two, because this is impossible, his whole body is physically rejecting the idea, and yet it's happening. A tear in the space time continuum, he thinks. No other way this could happen.

"Yes," Adam says, voice stable and clear. "I do."

"I was just-- And you were-- Oh god." Kris is not going to cry. Not in front of Adam, in the middle of a god damn desert, right after almost-not-kissing him.

"What?" Adam says. He shouts, more like. His voice is nasty; Kris has never heard him be nasty before. He looks up at him with wide eyes; Adam looks pissed. "What exactly did you think, Kris?" He spits out Kris' name and saunters towards him. "That I would wait for you for ten fucking years?! That I'd just tell myself 'oh maybe Kris will call this decade'? What did you expect?"

Kris shakes his head. That's not what he thought, of course not. He didn't even think Adam would want him to call. He knew Adam had a life. He just didn't think-- Adam just almost kissed him. Just now. Didn't he? "I didn't mean--" he begins, but doesn't even know how to finish that sentence. Also, there's a lump in his throat the size of Arkansas that's making it very hard for him to speak.

"You know what," Adam says, running a hand through his hair. "Just forget it."

I screwed up, Kris thinks. Maybe Adam never did want to kiss him. Maybe Adam wanted to kiss him, but it didn't really mean anything. Maybe Adam just does not feel that way, and Kris just ruined the best possible friendship in his life for the second time.

"No. I'm sorry," Kris says, and it's a relief that his voice is steady and his eyes dry. He looks right up at Adam. This is the last chance he has; he will not lose Adam twice. "I assumed things I shouldn't have. And I didn't mean to imply-- I mean, I was just-- surprised, I guess. I'm still drunk. I'm really sorry."

Adam keeps looking at him. He still looks like he wants to hit someone, but Kris thinks at least he doesn't appear to want to hit Kris in particular anymore. Kris looks away and starts gathering the blanket to have something to do. "Let's just go back to the hotel. I'm cold."

 

you have suffered enough, and warred with yourself

Kris doesn't remember how he made it to his room. He remembers how loud the silence in the car was, remembers rolling down the window to let the wind in, because turning on the radio would have been too obvious; he remembers he took a hot shower before bed that lasted way longer than it should have, but mostly, he remembers breathing. In and out. Deep breaths. He could do nothing else but focus on the breathing.

He wakes early; he always gets up at the crack of dawn when he's had a bit too much to drink. He has a pounding headache and unfortunately his memory is still intact.

He takes another shower, but that's about all he'll allow himself before going down to breakfast. Easiest to just rip off the Band-Aid. The slow torture will come eventually anyway, once he's away from here and has had time to think and wonder and doubt. No need to add that to his current misery.

Adam and Allison are seated at a corner table, talking over leftovers. Kris has to consciously relax his shoulders as he walks over to them. They're having an argument; he can hear bits and pieces. He gets close enough to hear Allison say "Of course, no need to fret, we'll try again at my unborn daughter's wedding! Seriously, Adam!" And that's when Adam sees him, making bug eyes at Allison, the universal sign for 'Shut up, he's coming.'

Kris has no idea what Allison's words could mean in relation to him and couldn't care less at this point. He sits down next to her and takes care not to look directly at Adam.

"Hey," Allison says softly. "You don't look so good."

"I don't feel so good," he mumbles.

Allison gently pulls his head down to her shoulder and pets his cheek and his forehead. "Poor baby."

Kris closes his eyes. It's a blessing to have Allison with him today. She wraps one arm around his waist and lets him rest against her for a while. He feels her drink some coffee, and he knows she's probably having a silent conversation with Adam over his head, but he doesn't care. He's not even jealous anymore; he's just tired and hurting.

"Come on, you should eat something," Allison says.

Kris makes a sound and buries his face in her neck for a second. He doesn't let himself linger though; he's not going to be a baby about this.

There are bagels on the table and he picks at one, eating small bits, just enough to satisfy Allison. He tries to act normal and thinks he's doing pretty good considering Adam is seated right across him, very very quietly watching Kris' every move.

Allison gives him a kiss on the head and gets up, saying she'll get him an Aspirin. And a gun please, he adds in his head. She's leaving them alone on purpose, he's sure. Allison is a traitor. He'll have to keep that in mind for future heartbreaks.

Kris keeps eating the bagel slowly and steals Allison's coffee (she deserves it, the traitor) and from the corner of his eye he can see Adam opening and closing his mouth at least three times without making a sound. Is that good or bad, he doesn't know. He's kind of scared about what will eventually come out of Adam's mouth though. He thinks he was right to assume things last night, but he's also embarrassed about how wrong those assumptions turned out to be. If Adam says he had no right, then that's all that matters in the end, isn't it? All he can do now is get over it and do damage control.

He decides not to wait for the axe to fall. "Are we good?"

Adam is surprised. "Yeah," he says after a minute. "Of course we're good."

"Good. That's good," Kris says inanely. A second apology when he doesn't even think he was wrong would have just been awkward for everyone involved.

Allison comes back eventually with a very pregnant woman in tow, and the day gets brighter from there.

~

Bell is apparently Miranda Bell, who Kris has never met before but heard of as a damn good DJ. She is a cool kid in her mid-twenties, 'knocked up by an asshole' as she says, and apparently has to focus very hard to keep upright these days. Her belly does seem disproportionately large for her body. And whatever she has in there (she calls it the spawn) throws a mean kick. Kris likes her instantly. She is nothing like Allison; short blond hair, blue eyes and odd little freckles, but she has that same kind of spunk.

Adam disappears shortly after Bell arrives. Kris doesn't mind, to be honest. It's nice to have a breather from him. It's been awkward, to say the least.

He has nothing to do all day, and he thinks keeping busy is essential for his sanity, so he tags along with the girls to visit Celeste and have the dress altered. Celeste and the girls hit it off big time, and their banter keeps his mind off Adam for the most part. He finds that he is actually having fun. If this couple of days has taught him anything, it's that these friendships matter to him and he shouldn't just let them drift away from his life. I can do that, he thinks looking at Allison and Bell munching on Celeste's cookies.

Allison has been showing off her dress - which according to Celeste is a Celtic wedding gown - twirling and dancing, her feet tangling with the skirt every five minutes. "Gotta work on that before the wedding," she laughs.

Bell, in the mean time, is working up the final guest list. "35 in total, I think. I hope you didn't forget anyone. This is something you'll only get to do once. Hopefully." She crosses her fingers at Kris.

"Did you put my parents in there?"

Bell makes a surprised face. "You told them?"

"No. But I will. I decided to send someone to pick them up tomorrow morning and go like surprise!"

"You're gonna give your mom a heart attack." Bell adds them to the list.

"What about Matt and Anoop?" Kris asks. Allison told him they were coming. It's been literally forever since he last saw them.

"They can't make it," Allison says, obviously lying.

Kris shakes his head. "You're terrible at lying."

"Yeah, like horrible," Bell says. Allison pouts. "Stick with the pout, honey," Bell continues, patting her knee, "that works better for you."

"I had to get you here," Allison grumbles.

"You think I came because of them?" Kris asks, incredulous. That is the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard.

"No, I think you came for Adam."

"Oh, my God. You did not just say that," Bell says laughing.

Kris' mouth has dropped open. He looks at Bell, because seriously, she did not just say that.

"I don't mind that you came for Adam," Allison backtracks. "I wanted you to. I mean--"

"No," Kris says firmly. "No. I don't care if you don't mind. You have to know that you're important to me. I would have come, even if no one else was here. Even if it was just you and me. Okay?"

"Okay," Allison says, her eyes suspiciously bright now. She hugs him tight and squeezes a bit for good measure, then pulls back to look him in the eye. "He does not deserve you," she states.

"You said it sister," Bell salutes with her glass of milk.

"Hey!" Kris protests. "What's with the Adam bashing?"

"He's just such an idiot! He made a mess of everything," Allison cries.

What the hell did Adam tell her? Kris wonders. "He didn't do anything wrong. I mean he almost did, but-- Everything is cool now. We're cool."

Allison and Bell share a meaningful look. Bell shakes her head.

"Dude, you really are too good for him."

~

They go shopping after the fitting.

Allison needs shoes to go with the dress, and the shopping thing seems to be a post-break up ritual of sorts for the girls, which they, for whatever reason, think applies in this situation. Kris mostly just follows them around, watches them coo over high heels (Bell literally gets tears in her eyes) and carries their bags for them. All in all, he considers himself lucky that one of the ladies in question is pregnant and tires easily or they'd probably never stop.

Back at the hotel, Allison leaves to meet Blake, and Bell and Kris decide to go up to his room and watch TV for a while.

"Until my feet feel like feet again," Bell says, throwing aside her shoes as if they might bite.

Kris takes the chair and lets her have the bed. She tries to settle on the bed for what seems like hours and Kris learns how surprisingly hard it is to make a pregnant woman comfortable. They put three pillows under her head and another one under her feet and in the end she can't see the screen properly because of her stomach, so she slides a bit sideways and falls off most of the pillows anyway. He lets her choose the movie and they end up watching Speed. They poke fun at Sandra Bullock's hair and Keanu Reeves' acting. Bell thinks the romance in that movie is for shit. Kris has to agree. "Now, your life on the other hand," she comments, "would make a hell of a romance flick."

Kris vehemently disagrees with that one.

"Dude, come on," she says, pulling herself up a bit to give him a dubious look. "You're telling me there's no pining? No longing? I heard about the two of you before I even met Adam, you know. Allison's stories about you two are epic."

Kris is blushing furiously. "Us two who? What?"

She rolls her eyes. "You and Adam. Back in the day. You know."

"There was no me and Adam back in the day," he protests. "Or now, for that matter."

"Oh, I beg to differ," she says. "I heard all about the room sharing, the cuddling, the whispering, the inside jokes--"

"We were best friends," Kris says. "I was married."

"I also heard how he told Allison that he cared too much about you to make a move." She shrugs. "True love, dude. Nothing can beat that."

He swallows thickly. "I thought you were anti-Adam today."

"Oh, I am. Because he's a certified idiot. But the sentiment is there, you know. I have to give him that."

Kris thinks maybe he shouldn't have girls as friends. This is what happens when you give them an inch. What's he supposed to say to this?

"What the hell did he say to you last night? I mean, I heard the gist of it from Allison, she got it out of Adam, but--"

"It's not important. He didn't do anything wrong. Or say anything that wasn't true."

She gives him the eyebrow. "He broke your heart," she states. "Even I can tell."

"I think that's mostly the hangover. And if I got hurt, that was my own fault," Kris admits. It's not like he has to explain anything to her; they just met today. But she's a nice girl and she means well. Also, thanks to Allison, she apparently knows more about his relationship with Adam than he does.

"Seriously, how are you even real?" she asks. "Dude, are you sure you want Adam? Because I'll marry you, right here right now."

Kris grins.

She puts her hand on her belly. "I'm serious. The spawn approves."

~

Bell falls asleep shortly afterward and Kris goes in search of Allison. A part of him hopes he'll find Adam along with her, because he knows the awkwardness will only grow with avoidance. He finds some of Allison's friends and they tell him she's out with Blake. On his way back, he hears a melody coming through a closed door just off the bar; he knows who's there before he even opens the door.

It's an unused dining room with a small stage. Adam is seated at the piano, playing something very awkwardly. He has none of his usual confidence with music when it comes to the piano. He plays haltingly, looking down at the keys. But his voice is steady and strong when he starts singing. He's singing At Last; it's a great choice for the wedding, and a good match for Adam's voice. Kris has to swallow hard. Adam is the only person whose actual, literal talent turns him on like this. His feelings for Adam are confusing to him on so many levels.

Kris listens to him sing the first verse, then Adam stops, fumbling with the keys. "I'll play, you sing," Kris finds himself saying.

Adam looks startled for a moment but gathers his wits quickly. "Are you telling me that I can't play the piano, Allen?"

He slides down the bench to give Kris room. "I'm saying you suck," says Kris.

"That I do." Adam smirks.

Kris rolls his eyes."You're also very inappropriate."

He looks at the sheet in front of him and starts to play. It's not a difficult song; his fingers just know what to do.

"At last, my love has come along."

Kris moves his lips along with the words but doesn't sing; Adam's voice is perfect as it is.

"My lonely days are over, and life is like a song."

Kris thinks about what will come after this. Best case scenario, they'll become friends again. But will he be able to do that? It was easier the first time around. He had Katy, and he didn't even know he could want more from Adam. Now he knows. Now he's had nine years to think and dream and fantasize about what he wants. He can't just turn back time on that.

"I found a dream that I could speak to."

"A dream that I can call my own."

And Adam will have a boyfriend this time. He tries to imagine hanging out with them; it feels like someone is carving his heart out of his chest. Someone is going to touch Adam, kiss him and share his life, and Kris is going to have to stand aside and watch. Maybe he could do that from afar, like he did before, but not like this. He can't be seeing and breathing Adam and not ask for more than he's allowed.

"At last."

Kris' fingers rest on the keys; the song is over.

"What do you think?" Adam asks.

"I think it's perfect."

"Not too cliche?" Adam asks, squinting his eyes at him. Kris forgot about that particular Adam face. It makes him smile.

"It's a wedding. It's supposed to be cliche."

"Hmm..."

Kris starts to play Maybe I'm Amazed, just to have something to do with his hands. He doesn't know if he loves or hates this song now.

"We should talk," Adam says softly.

What's the point, Kris thinks, but before he can come up with a reply Allison interrupts them.

"Hey guys, I thought I'd find you here."

"Hey kiddo," Adam says, getting up from the bench. "Ditched the hubby so soon?"

"Nope. Not yet. He's taking me out to dinner," she says, looking sickeningly in love. "I just wanted to check in with Bell before I go, but I seem to have misplaced her."

"She's in my room, sleeping," Kris says.

"Oh. Well. She's in good hands, then." She stops at the door and turns back. "Aren't you guys hungry? You should go eat something. The rooftop restaurant is pretty good."

Kris looks at Adam and shrugs. He is kind of hungry. "I'll go get Bell."

~

The rooftop restaurant is cozy and romantic, which means awkwardness all around. Adam seems to despise Bell and Bell is obviously trying to egg him on; it's not a good mix when Kris and Adam are already on edge. A couple of guys from Blake's band join them halfway through, but even the company doesn't make Bell and Adam behave. The guys are now cowering in a corner, looking for a safe way out of the war zone.

"Watching you eat is making me lose my will to live," Adam says to Bell.

Bell points a fork at Adam. "Not everyone can reach your levels of anorexia."

"Whatever. I don't mind that you look like a cow; I actually think it suits you. Goes well with the personality."

"Wonder how you would look with a watermelon shoved up your ass."

"No, honey, see, I know how to work a condom."

"Oh, I bet you do." Her eyes narrow. "Speaking of condoms, how is the boyfriend? Joshua, was it?"

Adam glares daggers at her. "Just fine, thank you. How is yours? Oh wait, I forgot, he ran away."

Bell snorts. "And good riddance. Who needs men?" She turns to Kris. "Except for you, Kris. You're one of a kind."

Kris gives her a small smile and makes a noncommittal sound. So, Joshua is the boyfriend. He wishes he didn't know the name.

"I need to pee," Bell says, making a face. Adam rolls his eyes. She pushes her chair back, but it's a struggle to get up. Kris supports her back and pulls her up. She gives him a smile and a peck on the cheek.

"Thank you, sweetheart."

Adam makes a disgusted sound as she leaves. Blake's friends use that opening to beat a hasty retreat themselves.

"Allison must be getting really desperate if she's throwing Miranda at you," Adam says snidely.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Allison trying to fix you up with someone. Anyone." Adam is in what Allison would call the Bitch Mode. Kris finds it odd to have all that anger and sarcasm directed at him.

"Are you out of your goddamn mind?" Kris asks. Under the circumstances he thinks it's a legitimate question.

Adam continues, ignoring Kris. "She is the better choice, though, I suppose. You like kids, she's already knocked up. Voila! Ready-made family."

Better choice than whom, Kris doesn't ask. They've mastered the art of talking about it without actually talking about it. "Are you trying to pick a fight?" he asks instead. "Is that what this is about?"

Adam scoffs and downs the rest of his drink. "I'm gonna get another drink," he says, getting up.

Kris doesn't even know this person anymore. This can't be what Adam is really like, all the time, because there's no way Allison would put up with that from a friend. Maybe it's Kris that's bringing it out in him. Maybe their friendship is so far gone now, Adam can't even bear to be around him. Maybe it's better to put them both out of their misery.

"He's being ridiculous," Bell says when she comes back, pointing towards Adam at the bar, chatting up the bartender. "I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable. I was just trying to make a point. And also maybe enjoying myself a little bit."

"What is the point?" Kris really wants to know that. He feels like a fish out of water with these people. He's usually not this dense.

"He’s jealous," Bell says, looking at Kris all surprised, as if he should have seen it. "He's jealous because you like me. I mean, he thinks you like me like me, you know?"

Kris doubts that very much. Because it is ridiculous. Adam can't possibly be that stupid and irrational.

"Seriously," Bell says to herself. "Boys." She makes a gesture that clearly says how dense can you get? "He can't take his eyes off you. He's all Neanderthal and shit around you."

"If you say so," Kris intones. He, for one, hasn't seen any of that.

Bell puts one hand on his arm, leans close to him and whispers in his ear. "Look at him. Right now."

Kris turns around... and Bell is right. Kris doesn't have a name for the way Adam looks, but he knows it well. He's felt it before; he's feeling it right now. That's heat and passion and desperation; Kris' gut churns in sympathy. All that time, all that love, it all leads up to this, he thinks.  They are finally in the same room with no wedding vows to keep them apart, and yet they've probably never been farther away from each other. He can see the future of this crystal clear. Either the want will get the better of them and they'll do something they'll regret, or the bitterness will settle and they'll start to hate one another. This is not what he wants. He won't let that happen.

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry," Bell says when she takes a look at his face. She pets his cheek. "I didn't mean to--"

His smile is bittersweet, but it's the best he can do. "I'm okay. It's okay."

When he looks back up, Adam is gone.

~

Allison is having a bachelorette party of sorts that night, and despite his protests that he can't handle another hangover, Kris finds himself at a bar, watching Allison get a lap dance from a half naked boy.

He was adamant about not drinking, but it has been that kind of day, so he downs two shots before he even finds a booth to settle down. Bell can't drink, so they also have some very fancy ice cream being served, which is apparently the next best thing. Kris grabs himself a bowl of something chocolate-y. It goes well with the vodka.

He's going to have to talk to Adam tonight. Soberness would have been ideal for that, but a little anesthetic is also nice before that particular battle. Tomorrow they'll get Allison hitched and he'll get back to his life. He can't believe he is actually looking forward to that. He has a pretty tame life compared to most musicians. He lives in a small house, goes out with his friends sometimes, does not party or do drugs. Even with the fame, he's an Arkansas boy through and through. He has a studio at home where he spends most of his days working. He goes on dates sometimes. It's all normal people stuff. Adam probably wouldn't have wanted to be a part of that anyway. It's one thing to like or want someone as a person, and a whole another thing to actually be with them and share their life. They probably wouldn't have survived that.

Another shot burns its way down his throat. Allison and Bell are dancing and laughing, Bell being supported from the back by a stripper, looking like a puppet. He's glad they haven't managed to ruin this for Allison. She deserves better from them.

He can't tell how many shots or hours have passed. Adam shows up wearing something dark and sparkly, drawing all eyes towards him as usual. He dances his way through the bar, stopping by a couple of people, shaking hands, kissing cheeks. He is in his element there. Kris likes watching him like this, as if he is an actor on TV. Like he's make-believe and unattainable. That's a safe way to want things.

Adam greets him with a smile and slides in next to him. "I see you're having fun," he says, putting his drink down next to Kris'.

"We can't do this," Kris says.

He had that opening line ready; the rest is still a bit jumbled in his head.

"Can't do what?" Adam asks, looking away.

"I don't want to turn this into a whole thing," Kris explains, his hands making a thing shape in the air. "This is Allison's day and I want it to really be about her. But we have to talk. So I'm going to talk with you. Okay? And we won't turn it into a thing."

He's pretty sure what made sense in his head is not coming out so meaningful.

"Oooo-kay," Adam says slowly. That is his humoring the drunk face, Kris can tell.

"I don't think we can be friends anymore." There. He said it.

Now Adam is serious. "Why not?"

"Why not? Because we obviously can't do it. Last night? Tonight? Don't you see a pattern?"

Adam licks his lips nervously. "I meant to apologize about that."

Kris shakes his head. "I don't need you to apologize. I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying, let's face the facts. We can't be around each other and not ruin whatever's left of our friendship."

"And your solution is better how exactly?"

"We don't hate each other yet. I think we should keep it that way."

"I could never hate you," Adam says softly.

Kris knows this Adam. The gentle, loving Adam.

"Look," Adam says, "Last night... I should have told you about Joshua." Kris does not want to talk about Joshua. He does not want to even think about Joshua. "I wasn't angry at you, not really. I was angry at me." He presses a hand to his eyes. "The truth is, I have been waiting for you the last ten years. You've been my excuse for every bad relationship, every time I chose not to commit to someone."

He takes a deep breath.

"Joshua is a great guy. He's an artist. We've been dating for three months now. I thought I got over this with him. I thought I was finally getting there."

Kris doesn't have the words to explain how much he doesn't want to know these things.

"The thing is, when Allison said you were going to be here, my first thought was to break up with him. Just like that. And I hated myself for that. He's a nice guy. He treats me right. I like him. He deserves better. So when you acted all surprised, like I should have broken up with him, which I know wasn't what you meant, it just felt that way to me, I took my frustration out on you. I'm really sorry."

That explains some things. But it doesn't change anything. "And what do you want to do about this?" Kris gestures at the two of them. "Do you want me to ask you to break up with him?"

Adam looks him in the eye, not blinking, not nodding, yet also not saying no.

"I'm not going to," Kris says. "Do you want me to wait until you're done with your boyfriend? Do you have any idea how fucked up that sounds? I can't live that way. That is worse than cheating. And if we were going to cheat, we should have done it ten years ago."

"We were best friends. We can be friends again."

"Yeah. And are you going to act like you did tonight every time I'm with someone?"

"I don't--" Adam looks shaken. He's nervous, his breath coming out in fast bursts. "I don't know what to do," he says in the smallest voice Kris has ever heard from him.

"It's okay," Kris smiles at him and rests their foreheads together. "You're my crème brûlée. I never know what to do with you."

That makes Adam smile. "I'm not even going to pretend to understand what that means."

"I think it means we're making this more complicated than it is. After tomorrow, we're going to go back to our lives, and everything will be as it was. And it will be good. You'll see."

Adam makes a displeased sound and drops his forehead to Kris' shoulder.

"It's okay," Kris says, hugging him. "Trust me, it's going to be okay."

 

it’s time that you won

The day of the wedding dawns bright and sunny, and Kris wakes up with a headache for the second day in a row. It's going to be over soon, he tells himself as he downs a couple of painkillers. He's taking a plane home this afternoon; he'll be sleeping in his own bed tonight.

He doesn't see anyone at breakfast and he doesn't look for them. They probably have things to do this morning. He plans to join them as soon as he feels human again, which will possibly mean drinking a whole gallon of coffee by himself. He opts not to eat anything since Allison isn't around to make him; all the space he can spare in his stomach is reserved for caffeinated drinks today. And at least this way he won't have much to puke if it comes to that - which still feels like a possibility.

He finds Allison, Bell, and a whole bunch of other people in Allison's room. The place is a mess; clothes strewn everywhere. Allison looks on the verge of tears and Bell seems ready to strangle someone.

"Don't you have anything productive to do?" she yells at the guys standing by the door. "Go do sound-check or something. God! Do I have to tell you people everything?"

The guys file out, and Bell spots Kris. "Hey! Hi! Welcome to hell."

"Something wrong?" he asks, because judging by the look on Allison's face something terrible must have happened.

"No. No. Everything is fine. It just hit her now that she's actually getting married. I am now officially the maid of honor, the flower girl, and the ring bearer. Yay for me."

Kris doesn't know why Allison needs a flower girl, he never did get those things. And what exactly is the point of the ring bearer? Is it so hard for the groom to put the ring in his pocket? "Do you need me to do anything? Or should I just get out of your hair?"

"Actually you know what, yes, you can help. Get me something new, something old, something borrowed and something blue."

Kris blinks.

Bell makes a shooing motion. "New, old, borrowed, blue. Go."

~

Kris gets himself a coffee to go and walks along the strip aimlessly, trying to come up with something for Allison. Does something old have to be old for Allison or just anyone? And for something blue, does any blue thing work? Can something be both old and blue? That would make his job easy. He calls Bell to ask, but she hangs up on him.

Having Adam with me would have been helpful, he thinks. He thinks that about a lot of things in general though. In the past, he has felt that Adam would have made most things in his life easier. Or at least more enjoyable. He has been missing Adam for as long as he can remember knowing him. Even when they were together at the mansion he missed him. He would have thought that it would stop at one point or morph into something else, but it hasn't. It's a low hum under his skin that he has learned to live with. Like a shadow no one else sees.

Kris has never been the kind of person to want to not love someone. He thinks loving Adam is more satisfying than being loved by most people. He's found that it is hard to find people worthy of love, at least the kind of love that lasts and becomes a part of you. Loving Adam is now a living, breathing part of him and he can't regret that.

He'll get a lot more songs out of it if nothing else.

He finds a couple of thrift stores, but nothing jumps out at him as special enough. He takes some back alleys to get away from the sun. Sits on a park bench on a playground to watch the children. Gets a cone of ice cream, but lets it melt all over his hand. He feels slow today, so he takes his time. It's been almost three hours when he gets back to the hotel.

He finds the girls where he left them. Allison is in her dress and bouncing in her seat while a woman tries to fix her hair.

"Kris!" She hugs him tightly, ignoring the hair lady's protests. "I was worried that you had left too!"

"I told you he was coming back," Bell says.

"Who left?" Kris asks, bewildered. Not Blake.

Allison's eyes go soft and sad. "Adam. His cell is turned off, and he is not answering the door. No one has seen him all day."

"Oh." That's uncharacteristically cowardly of Adam. Kris can't believe he would just leave Allison. "I'm sure he has an explanation. Maybe something came up?"

"Did you two have a fight last night?"

"No. No. We talked. We're okay."

"I'm so sorry," Allison says, on the verge of tears. "I just wanted you two to be happy. Bell said don't meddle, but I meant well, I swear."

Kris hugs her. "I know you did. And I'm thankful. Seriously. Everything is fine with me and Adam. I'm telling you. He probably had an emergency or something."

"He promised to do my make up," Allison says, tears in her eyes.

"Oh no no no," Bell places tissues under her eyes. "You are not crying again. We are done with the make up bit, okay? Let's powder your nose, come on."

"So," Kris says chuckling. "I'm guessing you're kind of nervous."

"I am a mess," Allison says, throwing her hands in the air. "I was Zen. I was so above all this. I don't know what I'm doing now. Why didn't we just elope?"

"Honey, this is you eloping," Bell explains. "Look up." She fixes the tear tracks under Allison's eyes. "Okay, you're good to go."

"Okay," Allison says, taking deep breaths. "I'm good to go. I'm calm. I'm not crying. I'm getting married."

"No, wait," Kris says. "I have your somethings."

"My what?"

Kris sits cross-legged on the floor in front of her chair. "Something old," he says, handing her a guitar pick. "Do you remember that?"

Allison's mouth has dropped open. "Is it...? It's the angel pick, isn't it?"

Kris nods. "The angel wore off. You can still see a bit of a wing though."

"I gave this to him for good luck when I left American Idol," Allison explains to Bell. "I can't believe you kept this."

"Are you kidding me? It's my lucky pick. So I want it back. That makes it your something borrowed, too."

He pulls a small vial out of his pocket. "This is your something blue." It's a vial of light blue glitter. "I figured you can put it on somewhere not obvious and be secretly sparkly." He shrugs. It was a last minute thing.

Allison smiles. "Put some in my hair?" she asks him.

Bell holds the vial as Kris puts a little glitter inside Allison's ponytail. "Very glam," Bell says. "Now you're secretly glittery."

He tries to clean his fingers afterwards, but it's a futile attempt. "There you go." He screws on the cap of the vial. Damn glitter is everywhere. "And this," he says, presenting her with a small velvet box, "is your something new. It's my wedding gift to you."

Diamonds are a girl's best friend, Kris had thought as he walked into the store today. He would have bought her something for the wedding anyway. And something new could be anything. So he got her diamond earrings. He didn't think they'd be over the top, because Allison knows he can afford them. But looking at their faces now, he wonders if he overdid this one. "Are they okay?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Bell says, laughing.

"They are beautiful. Kris! You didn't have to!" Allison says, fingers tracing the cluster of diamonds. Kris likes that there are some yellow diamonds in there. Her dress has some gold trimmings and he figured that if she decided to wear them at the wedding, they'd go well with it.

"I wanted to get you something nice."

"Dude. My grandparents are nice. Those are fucking fantastic," Bell says. "Come on, put them on for God's sake!" She turns Allison towards the mirror.

They look as beautiful on her as he'd thought they would. Allison beams at him through the mirror. She tucks the guitar pick beneath her bra strap and squares her shoulders.

"Okay. I am armed and ready. Let's get me married."

~

The lakeside garden Allison booked for the ceremony is a lot prettier than Kris expected. The guests make the place look odd though, that's for sure. Allison has some very eclectic friends and none of them seem to have gotten the memo that this is a wedding. Kris is very possibly the only person there wearing a suit and even he didn't bother with a bow tie. This is the most casual wedding he has ever been to.

Bell really is the flower girl. She has a basket full of blue petals she throws around, occasionally throwing some on people's heads. Allison's father grumbles a bit at first, but walks her down the aisle in the end. Her mother cries her heart out, clutching Kris' arm. Blake's band plays a rocked out version of Here Comes the Bride and Allison laughs every step of the way. She makes a little shimmy when she reaches Blake and throws the band a kiss.

The ceremony is short and to the point. Kris can't take his eyes off of Allison throughout the whole thing. She looks so happy. Even with everything that has happened, he's glad to have been here, to have shared this with her.

Blake dips Allison low for their first kiss as a married couple, and twirls her afterwards, making her dress dance around her. It’s an old movie sort of kiss. Allison laughs her way into a second kiss; people cheer and clap, and Mrs. Iraheta is crying so hard, Kris thinks she's about to have a seizure. She pulls Kris into a hug, and that’s when Kris sees Adam.

Adam looks... like Kris has never seen him before. His hair is a mess. His t-shirt looks old and worn, like it's something he sleeps in, and his jeans are three sizes too big. He jumps over some seats to get to the front.

"Hi!" he says, all excitement. "Did I miss anything?"

"Just the wedding, nothing much."

Adam is grinning like a crazy person. "Well, that's okay then." He catches Allison as she makes her way through the crowd.

"God damn it, Lambert! I thought you were dead in a ditch somewhere!" She punches him in the chest.

"Ow," Adam says, holding her hand. "Sorry I missed half the day, baby girl. But I'm here for the first dance. That counts, right?"

Allison touches his cheek. His eyes are red. "What the hell happened to you?"

"I stayed up all night talking to Joshua."

Kris thinks if he never hears the name Joshua again, it will be too soon.

Adam rocks on the balls of his feet. "But now I'm ready to sing." He gives Allison a kiss on the cheek. "Kris, come on, point me to the microphone."

Kris leads the way to the stage and takes his place at the piano. People are staring at Adam like he's crazy; he looks strange even amongst this crowd. He grabs the microphone and stumbles a bit, one of his flip flops tangling with the cables. He kicks them off and hands the pair to a passing guest. Kris shakes his head. Adam almost looks like he is on speed.

Kris sincerely hopes he's not on speed.

"This song is for Allison and Blake."

Kris plays and watches Adam as he sings At Last. Adam is a fascinating man. He is energetic and unpredictable and amazingly talented. Kris knew the first time he heard him sing that he was something special, but of course he couldn't have guessed back then how very special he would turn out to be for Kris. Adam ends the song with a bow. Blake thanks him with a nod of his head.

Adam says something to the band and comes back to the front stage.

"Blake, you know I like you, dude," he says into the microphone. "But you gotta know, Allison is a very special lady. And me and Kris, we're gonna be watching you. So you better take good care of her."

The band starts playing Every Breath You Take and Adam starts singing again.

Bell gives Kris a questioning look; he shrugs. He has no idea what's up with Adam.

When that song ends, everyone looks up at Adam for the next and he doesn't disappoint. He starts singing White Wedding, and the band follows his lead. Sweet Child O' Mine comes after that. The whole thing turns into an Adam Lambert concert, but no one is complaining. Adam is jumping up and down all over the stage, singing like he's having the time of his life, and Kris can see Allison dancing in a way that's very unbecoming of a bride.

"Woo-hoo," Adam shouts, shaking his head to get the sweat out of his eyes. His jeans are practically falling down his hips. Kris can see his hipbones jutting out. Someone really should teach Joshua about the care and feeding of Adam Lambert.

"What the hell are you on, Lambert?" Bell shouts to the stage, looking very skeptical.

"I am high on life, Miranda," he replies, his huge eyes matching his grin.

Kris makes his way towards the bar to get a bottle of water before he leaves. This is a good note to leave things on, he figures. He never liked dragging out goodbyes.

"Where the hell do you think you're going, Kris Allen?" Adam says into the microphone and every eye in the place turns to him. "Stay right where you are," Adam says. He hands the microphone to someone on stage and runs towards him barefoot.

"I have a plane to catch," Kris says when he gets close enough.

The band starts playing again slowly and people thankfully look away from them, starting to pair up to dance.

"You can get a later one," Adam says, stepping close to him as if they are going to dance too. He takes Kris' tie in one hand, tugs him a bit closer with it.

Looking up seems dangerous, so Kris looks down. "You're not wearing any shoes."

"I know," Adam says, grinning. "I love you."

Kris looks up at that. His heart stops.

"I love you," Adam repeats, loud enough this time to have heads turn in their direction. Kris looks around in panic.

"It's okay. I can say it now. Fucking finally! I want everyone to hear. I love you."

"Joshua--"

"I broke up with him," Adam interrupts him. "So I am free to tell you that I fucking love you. I've been madly in love with you for fucking ever."

"I thought you liked him?" Kris says. He can't get past that point. There was Joshua. The last time he checked, Adam was choosing Joshua.

"I liked Joshua. Joshua is nice. God bless Joshua. You, though. You're Kris. You are my crème brûlée." He slides a hand into Kris' hair. "I love you like... I don't even know Kris. There's no comparison. I've never loved anyone like this." He laughs.

Kris has a hummingbird where his heart used to be. He didn't prepare for this. He has no words. He doesn't think he could speak even if he could think of anything to say.

"I love you more than music," Adam says triumphantly, finally having found a comparison. His eyes are bright. He looks breathtakingly beautiful.

"But..." Kris says softly.

"Don't make me beg," Adam says smiling. "Because I will." He makes as if to drop to his knees and Kris grabs him by the hips. His hands settle around Adam's waist.

"Don't. I don't even-- I'm not--"

"Smile," Adam says.

Kris just looks at him.

"This is my big romantic moment here, don't make me cross my eyes."

Kris smiles. Adam kisses his smile.

~

Afterwards, Kris remembers the catcalls only faintly. He remembers Adam pulling him somewhere more secluded and he remembers kissing Adam. Again and again, one kiss turning into two turning into three turning into a hundred. He remembers his hands on Adam's skin, on his stomach, his back; he remembers touching his face and kissing away his smile and his tears. He remembers realizing that he still hasn't told Adam; stopping long enough to tell him everything he's ever wanted to.

~

Bell comes to get them forever later, shouting "Are you guys decent?" from behind a tree.

They make their way back to the party and Allison runs over to pull them into a quick group hug. Adam almost growls when Bell kisses Kris on the cheek, but a look from Kris stop him from saying anything. People clap as they walk hand in hand and Adam bows left and right, enjoying the attention. Kris has never blushed more in his life.

Adam whispers something in Allison's ear and she gives him a thumbs up. Kris thinks he doesn't even want to know. Five minutes later Allison is on the stage with a microphone in her hand, making Kris wish he had asked.

"You thought I wasn't going to sing at my own wedding, huh? Suckers." She talks to the band and the music starts. Kris knows that melody. "This one is for Kris and Adam," Allison says. "You guys owe me your first born, just so you know."

"Care to dance?" Adam asks as he takes his hand.

They dance to Allison's voice singing Maybe I'm Amazed and Adam whispers the words to his ear; his breath tickling him feels like a promise.

"Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you."

 

i’ll sing along

Kris Allen Speaks Out

by Benjamin Keller

From The Advocate, December 2018

For the last couple of months Kris Allen has been the front page news in every magazine across the country with his new album ‘Breaking the Seal’ and even more so with his new relationship with singer, actor and former American Idol contestant Adam Lambert. During that time he chose to keep quiet about his love life as he always has in the past, going so far as to minimize the promotion of his album. (The sales figures say he didn't need it anyway!) We caught up with him at his house in Chicago which he now shares with his boyfriend and their cat Lulu and had a chat about his relationship with Adam Lambert, past, present and future.

The pictures of you and Adam hit the media pretty hard back in June. How did it feel coming out that way?

[laughs] It was a shock, I'll admit, but honestly, I was too busy with everything going on in my life to care. Adam and I, we decided to declare it our honeymoon and holed up in my house for like a month. I mean, there was nothing else to do. You just wait for these things to blow over.

But if you had the choice-- Would you have come out like that? Or at all?

I am not an exhibitionist like some people I can name [mouths 'Adam'] but I wouldn't hide my relationship. There is no way you can keep it quiet when you're both in the public eye. I would have had to lie constantly and that's not something I would put myself or Adam through. Besides, I didn't think it was that big a deal.

Some of your fans disagree. We've been reading more and more about your past relationships; your marriage is being questioned, your past work with the church criticized. It must be hard having your life fleshed out like this.

Of course it is. I have my limits on what I will and will not discuss with the public. I'm not hiding, but I am not going to over-share either.

I'll try your limits a bit then. Feel free to tell me to shut up.

[smiles] Okay.

They say you and Adam had an affair back when you were on American Idol.

Not true.

Nothing between you two back then?

I was married. I loved my wife. I respected my wife. There was no way. Also, anyone who even considers that possibility does not know Adam Lambert.

You guys were close. You shared a room. Looking back, details do seem suggestive.

I was always drawn to him. I'm not saying I wasn't. I'm just saying it never went beyond friendship.

A celebrity gossip blog even suggested that your feelings for Adam were the reason behind your divorce.

You know what? I can talk about this 'till the cows come home, and people still won't stop speculating. And I wish they would, because Katy's happily married right now and has two beautiful children; she doesn't deserve to have her life plastered all over the internet. We were too young to get married, and even though we cared about each other, it didn't work out in the end. That's the whole story.

About your past work with the church, I know you don't like talking about it--

I don't discuss religion. It's pointless, everyone has their beliefs, and they are entitled to them. I always enjoyed helping people, my work with the church was about that. And for five years now I have been working with the High Hopes Foundation For Children which my good friend Charlie Douglas started in 2010. I was in Zimbabwe with them last year, they are doing some great work there.

Let's talk about something more cheerful. Tell me about your cat.

Lulu is Adam's cat. She moved in when he did. She doesn't like me much. We're working on that.

How did that happen? You two moving in together. Isn't it all a bit too fast?

We lived together before, shared a room for months during Idol, so this just seemed natural.

But that was ten years ago.

I found that some things don't fade with time. Besides, he used to live in a hotel. I don't think I could be with someone who lives in a hotel.

About your album. Did you expect it to do so well? I mean it seems like it's going to be your best yet, and you didn't even promote it properly.

Any publicity is good publicity, I suppose. I honestly didn't expect it to be this popular. I didn't work hard enough to make it listener friendly, I thought. The end product was still too personal, too raw.

It's a sad album.

I wouldn't say sad. Introspective, I guess you could say.

Where your fanbase was shocked at your relationship, Adam's seemed to thrive. They love you, they love that he's with you. That must have been nice.

Support is always nice. Whatever they feel about me, they love Adam and I love them for it.

Did you tell your parents before the news hit or did they find out with everybody else?

My parents have known about my sexuality since... 2012, I think. They were a bit surprised back then, but now they are used to it. I didn't get to tell them about Adam though. We didn't know about the pictures until it was too late and they hit the internet before we even knew what we were doing.

And what do they think, now that they know?

[laughs] They are ecstatic. They've always loved Adam. My mom wanted to adopt him from day one. Besides they've been on my case about settling down with someone for a while now and they know anything between me and Adam is bound to be serious, so.

You two got together at Allison Iraheta's wedding. How did that happen after not seeing each other for nine years?

Apparently all we needed was a nudge. I mean, I was ready to take a chance, and if I got shot down, at least I'd know, you know?

So you made the first move?

I wish I could say yes, but I didn't. It got a bit complicated. Allison kind of made the first move for us.

That's a good friend you have there.

She says we owe her our first born. I'm thinking more like a toaster.

You two make an odd couple. I think that's what threw most people off. You're a very reserved person--

And Adam's-- not. I know. But the thing is, it's the fundamental things that matter in a relationship. He talks different, he walks different, he dresses different, none of that matters. What matters is that he's a good man. He is talented. He is beautiful, inside and out. He loves people; his family, his friends, he'd do anything for them. He is incredibly brave. Scary smart. I can go on and on. The differences seem unimportant when you know these things. I mean, people look at him and think but he wears make up. So what?

Your love of children is another topic your fans have been talking about. They have been speculating if you would adopt now that you're with a man.

Oh man, I hope no one asks Adam that. He'd probably have a stroke. It's too early yet to even think about those things.

So I take it I should skip the marriage questions as well?

Please do.

 

Thirty Minutes With Adam Lambert

By Lauren Davies

Marie Claire, December 2018 Issue

It's a cold day in New York and we've trudged our way through the snow to do a short interview with Adam Lambert whose love life has been a topic of discussion all over the country since photos of him and Kris Allen dancing made the tabloids.

"You're being too kind. I don't think it was the dancing. I think what did it was the shot where I had my tongue down his throat," he says when I mention this to him. Well, now that he's opened up that can of worms... I ask him if that was the first kiss as the tabloids claimed. He smiles wide, making me wish this was a TV interview so his fans could see the happiness there. "Not really. But it was the first day," he says with a bit too much glee. (When asked, he says Kris is going to kill him for revealing that much.) We don't want to get him in trouble, but we can't stop ourselves from asking for more.

"I've been in love with him since the Hollywood week of American Idol."

Now that's a statement that's going to provoke Kris Allen fans. Kris Allen and Adam Lambert shared a room during their stay at the American Idol mansion while they competed for the same title in 2009. During that time it was noted how close the two of them were. Allen's first words upon winning had been "Adam deserved this." It was a friendship to inspire people. But now, almost ten years later, their romance makes people speculate over if it really was just a platonic friendship.

When I ask him whether the speculations about their affair ten years ago are true, he shakes his head. "Alas, no. It was not meant to be. He was happily married and I didn't even have the luxury of hating his wife because she's so awesome." Kris Allen's ex-wife Katherine O'Connell (now Katherine Sellers) remarried 3 years ago. "Katy is an amazing woman. I wanted Kris to be happy. I never wished for their break up-- Wait, I'm not saying this right. If it's coming across like I'm the good guy here, I'm not. What I'm saying is, I knew Kris. I knew he wanted his marriage to work more than anything. And I knew Katy enough to know she'd be good to him. I never would have done anything to make him unhappy."

It is a tragic love story after all. I ask if Kris knew about his feelings back then. "We never really talked about it, but yes, he knew. Everybody knew. I'm not good at hiding what I'm feeling."

Adam has been known to talk about his love life on forums and blogs and even at his concerts. He admits freely that he has a string of bad relationships dating back to his first album. "I tried to be smart about who I dated, but apparently I'm not as smart as I think I am." This time he says he's sure though. "He is so damn honorable and nice, he's literally a knight in shining armor. I'm not sure if I'm good enough for him, but you know what, this time he's free and I'm staking my claim. He is officially off the market. For good. I am not giving him back."

His phone rings just then and it's the fabled knight in shining armor himself calling. "I'm doing the interview right now," Adam tells Allen. "I was just staking my claim on you and you called, is this fate do you think?" He listens for a second and laughs. He ends the call with a soft love you too and if we didn't know him any better we'd say he was blushing. "He says to stake away," he tells us with stars in his eyes. "I have the best boyfriend in the world. He saves children, you know?"

Putting aside the love life, I ask if he's working on anything new. "I'm always working on new songs. I can't turn that part of me off. But there's no plans for a new album yet." Well, people do get more creative when they are in love. Maybe we'll get a couple of new Adam Lambert ballads out of this romance. Since the beau is also a singer, I have to ask if they are planning to do a duet one day. Adam says it's not likely. "I mean, we do make beautiful music together. It's just not the kind I can record and sell. Actually, you know, I totally would, but I don't think Kris would go for it."

The End

June 8th, 2009