Be Cool

companion piece to the date

Kris has a headache that rivals the one he got the summer he turned fifteen, drinking for the first time and doing it by the gallon. Back then he would have taken dying over the hangover, and it’s pretty much the same today.

It must have been the purple shots Adam kept handing him. Never trust a drink that glows in the dark.

Kris is trying very hard at that point to not think about Adam and last night in conjunction with each other. He remembers the kisses, he remembers how much it made sense at the time; he is just not sure what it means that when he woke up this morning, Adam wasn’t there. Or that Adam isn’t saying anything on the subject, for that matter. Very confusing and alarming thoughts; Kris decides to steer clear of them until his brain starts working again.

Half the day passes in a daze, and Kris thinks it’s better this way, all very dream-like—no need to panic in a dream. So Kris keeps his eyes half-closed and pretends he didn’t wake up. Until Adam opens his mouth and shatters the illusion.

“So I just remembered that I have a date tonight.”

Kris feels all muscles in his body clench at once. His first reaction is to ask Adam what the hell that means, but then he pulls himself together and thinks about it. This is Adam. This isn’t something he can screw up. He can’t just go about it half-cocked. Maybe Adam wants to pretend last night never happened? Kris can’t exactly call him on that, because it would actually be a pretty merciful way of rejecting Kris. Or maybe Adam would still like to date other people and keep kissing Kris? Most of Adam’s previous boyfriends weren’t exclusive. Kris doesn’t think Adam would mean that as an insult.

Kris’ brain may not be functioning properly, but this is not the time to act jealous and juvenile. He needs to act cool if he is going to survive this day. He can totally act cool.

~

Kris doesn’t mean to drink. His plans are exactly like he told Adam, watching TV and falling asleep on the couch—and hopefully he won’t feel like killing himself tomorrow. But nothing on TV can pull his thoughts away from Adam—the way he looked as he stepped out the door, dressed to kill. That is not the way Adam would dress for just a date. Adam is obviously going for gold here, which means this guy is something special. Or really, really hot. Adam never brings guys home when Kris is there, but he does stay out at times. And he did say not to expect him back.

The mental pictures are killing Kris.

Kris is not a big fan of bourbon, but it smells like it would do the trick, and he needs oblivion, as fast as possible. So Kris and the bourbon, they become fast friends.

~

Kris tries to wipe the patheticness off his face when Adam comes, but it’s hard to do since it’s all he can feel at that point. Spending hours alone, thinking about failures and missed opportunities, must have left their sign on his face. He conjures up a smile out of nowhere though, and tries to act normal. He tells himself to try and hide behind the bourbon if it gets tough. Even though he didn’t get to drink much of it, he can at least use it as an excuse for being off.

He watches Adam drink the remaining bourbon, trying not to stare too obviously. It’s insane how just one look, one kiss, changed the way he views Adam entirely. Before last night, he’d never considered kissing Adam; now Adam’s skin is calling for him. He can barely keep his hands to himself.

“Did you even have supper?” Adam asks in that fondly exasperated tone he uses sometimes, and Kris’ stomach twists itself in knots. Kris has to look away or else he’s going to do something stupid.

“Nah,” he says. “Didn’t feel like it.”

Adam sighs. Kris fidgets where he’s sitting, trying to figure out if it would be normal to ask Adam about the date. If last night hadn’t happened, would he have? He looks at it from left and right and backwards and forwards, and in the end decides to just go with it.

“So, you, uhm,” he stumbles over words. “Not a good date?”

Adam looks at him, his eyes sharp and piercing. Even when he’s acting casual Kris sometimes finds him overwhelmingly intense.

“No, it was good.”

And really, what did Kris expect anyway? It was terrible, Kris, I wish I’d gone out with you?

“Oh,” Kris says, feeling stupid and inadequate. “I just. It’s early.”

Kris concentrates on his t-shirt. It’s very old and stretched, even has a hole in the side. He works his finger into the hole, making it larger. He should never have kissed Adam. Getting drunk is not a good idea for him. He and Adam don’t make sense—not out in the real world. Kris can’t do the casual dating; he can’t be okay with Adam flirting with other people. Just the thought of him touching that faceless guy he went out on a date with tonight is enough to set his insides on fire. Kris is an old-fashioned guy. And Adam is just…not.

“I can’t believe you,” Adam says, turning around on the couch to face him. “You’re jealous!”

Kris’ heart stops. He can try acting cool and aloof, but he can’t outright lie.

“You remember!” Adam says, sounding both accusing and triumphant.

Kris blinks at him, trying to make sense. “I…I…remember what?”

“Last night.”

Kris has no idea what Adam is talking about. Why wouldn’t Kris remember last night?

“Of course I remember last night.”

Kris recoils slightly at the movement when Adam throws his hands up and yells at him. “Then why the hell did you tell me to go out with another guy?”

Looking at Adam’s face, all hurt and incredulous, something inside Kris comes undone.

~

The next morning, Kris wakes up before Adam. His head is still throbbing, but at the sight of his boyfriend, it seems to lessen. Adam’s face is very close; his breath brushes Kris’ nose at every exhale. His lips look puffy and dry; Kris wants to lick them, but he doesn’t want to wake Adam. He likes that he gets to stare like this. If Adam were awake, he never would’ve let Kris. He has ways of distracting Kris, as he proved again and again last night.

“You’re staring,” Adam mumbles, without opening his eyes.

Kris smiles. “It’s my right as your boyfriend.” He likes using that word.

Adam reaches for him, his hands large and strong, so different and sexy. He kisses Kris on the cheek, eyes still closed, and pulls him in.

“Sssh,” he says, petting Kris’ hair. “Sleep now. You can use all your boyfriendly rights when we’re awake.”

Kris snuggles close and starts making a list.

The End

September 3rd, 2009