Crabwise

aka the crabby proposal fic

Adam doesn’t mean to get a pet crab. All he wants is to throw a dinner party; but then there’s this chef who wants to boil a whole tank of crabs alive, and Adam just can’t let that happen. The crabs are moving and, like, doing things with their claws as they go about their business in the tank, and there’s no way Adam is letting anybody get boiled alive for something as trivial as a dinner party. Not on his watch.

He gets his people to set the crabs free, and that should be the end of it, except that—one of the crabs, one of the smaller ones, with his right claw larger than his left, just keeps staring at Adam.

So, yeah. That’s how Adam ends up with a pet crab.

~

Adam names the crab Balthazar, for no reason other than the fact that it looks like a Balthazar. And Balthazar totally approves, because he waves his right claw in the air whenever Adam calls him by name. Neil says that Balthazar always waves his right claw around, but Adam knows better.

Balthazar is a good listener. He doesn’t interrupt Adam, put words into his mouth, or willfully misunderstand him and then quote him out of context like that hussy at E! He’s more useful, honestly, than all of Adam’s previous therapists combined.

Balthazar is the first to know when Adam mans up at last and kisses Kris; and he gets all the details when Adam finally manages to get into Kris’ delectably tight jeans. He listens, doesn’t judge, and always encourages Adam to go after his dreams.

It’s the most rewarding friendship Adam has ever had, really.

“Do you think it’s too soon?” Adam asks, on his stomach in front of Balthazar’s tank, his chin resting on his hand. “I mean, I’m sure, but who could blame him if he isn’t? He did get a divorce just two years ago.”

Balthazar skips gracefully to the left and throws around some stones in a manner that suggests that two years is more than enough time to recover from a thing like that.

“Well, yes, you’d think, but—” He smiles at Balthazar sheepishly. “You know how he is. He has this huge, sensitive heart, I mean—” Adam sighs. “That’s why I love him.”

Balthazar takes two steps to the right.

“You really think I should? But how am I—” Adam licks his lips nervously. “How do you even say something like that?”

Balthazar spits out a small pebble.

Adam rolls his eyes. “I can’t just spit it out! It needs, like, the right mood, the right moment…”

Balthazar sits down, pulling his legs in. It’s his you’re an idiot; I don’t even know why I hang out with you pose.

“You’re right,” Adam says. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I love him. I want to spend my life with him. It shouldn’t be that hard.”

Adam stands up, takes a deep breath—then sucks his stomach in, because his t-shirt hides nothing—and says, “I love you. Marry me.”

Balthazar doesn’t look impressed.

Adam’s shoulders slump—until the sudden sound behind him, from the direction of the door, causes him to tense up completely; then his shoulders start trying to crawl up around his ears, like they think it’s safer there. IT’S NOT SAFE HERE, Adam’s brain screams. KRIS HEARD EVERYTHING. WE’RE ALL DOOMED.

Adam tells all parts of his body to shut the fuck up and turns around.

“Um?” Kris asks, eloquent as always.

“Hey!” Adam says, convincing his panicking brain to pull his lips up in a bright smile. “You’re here! I didn’t know you were here!”

Kris looks confused. “Were you just…proposing? To Balthazar?”

Adam laughs—a little overexcited, but still a serviceable laugh. “Me? What? No.”

“I heard you.”

“No.” Adam shakes his head. “Nuh-uh.”

“But I just heard—”

“Okay, yes!” Adam admits, raising his hands in surrender. He can’t handle this kind of pressure. He just can’t. “I was just…” Think! Think!

But Adam’s brain caves in on itself and stops working completely. “I was… I mean… I…”

Kris stands in front of him, his eyes huge and adorable and impossible to resist.

“Iwantyoutomarryme.”

Kris blinks, his huge, adorable eyes a little shocked now.

Adam’s brain shakes itself into working order again and decides to do this right. Not every organ is as cooperative, though; his tongue, for example, is being very difficult. Adam looks nervously over at Balthazar, waiting for some claw waving or pebble throwing, but Balthazar seems to be sleeping, the bastard.

“I want. I think. I love you?”

“You’re not sure?”

“No, I’m sure. I’m positive.” Adam stands taller, sucking his stomach in even further. “I love you. I do. And I… I want to…”

Kris steps closer. “You want to?” he says, encouraging.

Adam gulps loudly. “Marry you?” He shakes his head. “I mean. Marry me?”

Kris rests his hands on Adam’s shoulders and pulls himself up to press a firm kiss to Adam’s lips. When he smiles, his widening lips stretch Adam’s along with them. “You did much better with the crab.”

“I always do better with the crab.”

Kris shakes his head. “You should probably just not talk.”

Adam’s brain completely agrees.

Balthazar waves his right claw somberly.

The End

January 26th, 2010