Far Along This Road

aka the blowjob fic

One-night stands are not for everyone. Kris always thought that although in theory the idea of anonymity has its advantages, in practice a one-night stand would be more trouble than it's worth. There are psychos, STDs, awkwardness, regrets, not to mention the hygiene issues to consider. He never really thought it'd be worth the hassle.

So how he finds himself in a dark, smelly bathroom stall with his jeans around his knees he couldn't say.

In his defense, the guy is ridiculously hot. He is sort of a pretty-goth-rocker type. Kris doesn't know how those things go together, but it's not like he is a fashion expert. He can only say that the combination definitely works on him. It is working on him at that very second.

The guy is looking at Kris through thick, black lashes as his hands do sinful things, and Kris unexpectedly finds himself thinking that he has beautiful eyes. It feels weird to be thinking something like that at a moment like this, like it is just not done. Is there an etiquette to this sort of thing? Is he just supposed to check out the guy's ass? (He has. The ass is also quite attractive.) But whatever the etiquette says, Kris can't deny that he likes the hands as well. The guy has large hands with black painted nails and he certainly knows what he's doing with them. (Kris wants to suck his fingers really badly, but unfortunately lacks the courage to be that forward.)

There's an unmistakable air of confidence around the guy; with that small smirk on his face, he seems almost cocky, which Kris has to admit he finds intimidating in guys most of the time. For whatever reason though, this feels different. He is not overpowering or contemptuous, so maybe that's the distinction. His body language says he is strong and he is sexy and he damn well knows it.

Kris inhales sharply. That tickles. The guy looks up, his eyes mischievous. Oh, he is so damn pretty. This right here is probably Kris' limit. Apparently his insecurities fly out the window in the face of all this prettiness. He'd never thought himself to be so shallow.

The man is on his knees in front of him and even though Kris is sure that he's blushing purple right now, he can't look away. Kris wonders what exactly he gets out of this. He is out of Kris' league by quite a margin and anyone can tell Kris is inexperienced in, like, five seconds flat, so why is this gorgeous man, who could have his pick out there on the dance floor, on his knees in front of Kris of all people? And he is putting on a show, too. He is carefully watching Kris watching him. That probably means he is enjoying himself. Everyone has their thing, Kris thinks with a mental shrug before his mind completely blanks out.

After he comes his brains out, Kris tries to move downwards himself, cringing a bit at the sight of the floor, but the arms around his waist pull him back up. Apparently no reciprocation of that kind is required. Kris has never given anyone head and isn't sure if he would succeed anyway, but he certainly would have tried. Instead, the man just sticks Kris' hand down the front of his pants and bites him in the neck quite hard as he comes. Vampiric tendencies aside, it's very possibly the hottest thing Kris has ever felt.

Kris is pressed against the door of the stall and the 'hot-guy-who-gave-him-head' (that's what Kris is going to call him in his head from now on) is in turn draped all over him. He is taller than Kris, but he is slumped over, so his head rests on Kris' shoulder. They are both panting, chests rising and falling against each other, breaths brushing each other's necks. Kris closes his eyes and inhales for a moment, the smell of sex now overpowering the stench of the place. He can see how people get addicted to this, if it is this good every time. But then the guy pulls away slowly and Kris remembers why he's been so against the practice in the first place. What comes next will be a moment of monumental awkwardness.

The man pulls up his pants and rubs his hands against his thighs; Kris follows his lead thinking the moment would be doubly awkward if he's the only half naked one in the room. When he looks up from his jeans, a pair of curious blue eyes greet him. The guy is looking at him like he is trying to solve a puzzle, confused yet intrigued. It makes Kris very nervous. Why isn't he saying anything? Or leaving? None of the one-night stand stories he heard had awkward staring contests in them. Then the guy smiles and leans in closer to nuzzle Kris' face. And Kris doesn't even know what to feel anymore.

This isn't normal, is it? Maybe the guy is high, Kris thinks. That would explain some things.

He has nothing against the proximity, not with this guy anyway; he smells nice and seems like the kind to bathe regularly, but he can't make sense of the nuzzling. Thankfully it soon turns into kissing, which is just as unexpected, but at least familiar. Kris' arms wrap around the guy's neck of their own volition. He has good lips. He has excellent lips. Kris can kiss those lips forever.

The sound of a door opening interrupts them.

"Adam?" It's a girl's voice and she sounds pissed.

"Yeah?" Huh. The hot guy is apparently Adam.

"Quit fuckin' around. We're leaving."

"I'm coming."

What the hell was in that beer Kris had earlier? The guy's rasping voice turns him on so hard, so fast, he can feel his body valiantly trying to react to it already.

"I'm sure you are," the girl says sarcastically. "Just make it quick, will you? We're waiting." A couple of footsteps and the door closes.

Adam is smirking again. He seems to do that a lot. "I have to go," he says. He takes a step back, pulling Kris with him to free the door, and gives him one last lingering kiss before he steps out.

Kris' legs feel like jelly.

~

"You had sex!"

Is it an accusation or congratulations? Kris can't really tell. Allison seems excited, but then again, she'd be excited either way. She is a very excitable person. She is wearing her bunny pajamas tonight, which Kris always thinks of as her little girl pajamas. She also has some sexy pajamas that she saves for the nights she brings home her boyfriend. Kris doesn't like noticing these things, he really, really doesn't, but living with a woman teaches a man very odd things indeed.

"Yes. What? It's not like I never have sex!" He does so have sex!

She points a finger at him. "You never have the good sex! The fun sex. The no strings attached, I just got off and don't even have emotional baggage kind of sex."

"Whatever," he says. He walks toward the kitchen. He doesn't see how this is any better. He had the hottest sex with the hottest guy, but he's never going to see him again. How is that a good thing?

Allison calls after him. "Don't whatever me Kristopher Allen. Give me details for God's sake! Was she hot?"

Kris stops in his tracks. Uh-oh. He keeps walking after a second and gets a bottle of water from the fridge. "Actually, it was a he," he says, trying to sound casual and failing. But he isn't going to lie. Not to Allison. That would be like lying to Bambi.

"Holy motherfucking God! You slept with a guy?" Allison can get so shrill. He loves her voice, but Jee-sus!

"I had sex with a guy, yes. No sleeping was involved." Kris reappears out of the kitchen, uncertain if he should come any closer to where Allison is practically hovering above the couch cushions.

Allison's eyes are huge. She looks as if her world view has just been shaken. "Why didn't I know that you like guys?"

Talking sex with Allison always feels odd for Kris. He can't help but think of her as a little sister and it's just awkward when she is so open and honest about these things. Kris sighs. Now he is going to have to talk gay sex with Allison. Just perfect.

"Because it was mostly theoretical?"

"He was your first? Oh, wow. I would have paid to meet that guy. He must be something."

"He was something alright." Kris thinks of the mischievous blue eyes. Something is certainly a word for it.

"Was it good? Are you gay now? Talk to me, Kris! You can't just dangle something like this in front of me and not talk about it!" Her arms flail as if she's trying to fly. She is so over-dramatic. Kris rolls his eyes.

"Yes, it was good. No, I'm just bisexual. No, I'm not going to start wearing pink. And no, I don't want to get a manicure with you."

"You're no fun," Allison pouts. He sits down next to her on the couch and she snuggles close. "Can we at least talk boys now?"

"Like we didn't before?" All Allison talks about is boys.

"Well, you can't just hmm at me from now on! You're gonna have to participate!"

And isn't that going to be fun.

~

Allison insists that Kris go back to the club. "Hook up with him again! Hook up with someone else! Just don't hide, moping around here."

He does consider the idea, but there's just no way. He tries to tell Allison, make her understand, but she is adamant. She writes WHY KRIS SHOULD GO BACK TO SATEEN on a piece of paper and sticks it on the fridge. Kris resists rising to the bait until she has almost half the page full, but then he kind of snaps and starts answering the (completely unfounded) accusations.

In the end the list looks something like this:

He is probably waiting there for you! Pining away!

There might be other guys. Hotter guys. Don't give up on the hot hot sex so soon!

Embrace your sexuality! Free your inner slut!

Maybe he is your one true love! Maybe it was FATE that you met!

It was a one night stand. No one is pining away.

I do not have an inner slut.

Life is not an ever after Cinderella story. Grow up.

You are a total chicken-shit!

I'm a rational human being. Unlike some people living in this apartment.

Maybe he's an asshole.

Maybe you're an idiot.

I'm not going back to look for some guy I hooked up with. I am not that pathetic.

You're plenty pathetic.

Fate can only do so much, you know. You have to take a chance.

The only thing that list tells him is that Allison read too many fairytales as a kid. Kris is not going to go looking for a glass slipper.

~

Kris had come to LA hoping to make it big and get a record deal. That obviously didn't work out. But looking at his life now, he can't really complain. He's been working at The Clumsy Carrot for a long time now; first as a waiter, then as a bartender and finally as the manager. He's learned to love the little pub with its own little community. He's a small town boy and the pub with its daily and weekly regulars make him feel right at home.

There's a crowd that comes in during the rush hour with their suits and their ties, their briefcases and Blackberries; they make Kris thank God every day that he didn't end up in a suit in an office somewhere. If he couldn't be a recording artist, this is certainly the better outcome.

Being a manager is an odd job. Kris can't just sit around and manage; he'd get bored to tears. So he can be found behind the bar or in the kitchen more often than in the back room that he refuses to call an office. Even when there's nothing else to do, he stays in the pub, sitting in his favorite booth and just hanging out with the staff. He enjoys spending his days in the Carrot; it has wide windows, comfortable chairs and a constant supply of coffee. What more could anyone ask for in a work place? And they have a standing tradition of breaking out the guitar and singing on Thursday nights, which helps with the itch he gets in his fingers when he stays away from his guitar for long. Kris thinks maybe he wouldn't have wanted the life of a super star anyway. His life may be small and insignificant, but it fits him just right, comfortable like well worn pajamas.

His apartment is right across the street from the Carrot. It's a simple two bedroom place, but it overlooks the park, making it feel a lot more roomy. He can't really afford it on his own, but after years of sharing with Allison, he doesn't really want to. Growing up, he'd always wished for more space, more alone time, but living in the city now, Kris finds that he doesn't like being alone after all. It gets too quiet in the apartment; he doesn't know what to do with himself. Allison is loud and takes up a lot more space than you'd think, both literally and figuratively, but he enjoys her spirit. Every little thing is an adventure with her. Even watching a simple movie with Allison is an event; it reminds Kris of his father watching championship games with his friends. She actually helps keep the homesickness at bay and Kris is thankful for that.

Allison has been working part time at the pub as a waitress for the last two years. She's still in school, and Kris has high hopes for her. They sing together at the Carrot most Thursdays; it's his favorite time of the week. His own compulsion to play aside, he loves watching Allison command the room, making everyone watch and listen and fall in love with her. Kris thinks maybe she'll get to do what he couldn't. She is just barely out of her teens and still has more star quality than he could ever hope to have. It's just a matter of time before some producer snaps her up.

It's a Wednesday afternoon when the lady that will trip Kris' life sideways comes in to the pub. It's raining buckets outside and she seems to have opened the first door she saw when the downpour hit. She looks around a little dazed and takes a seat at the bar where Kris is busy stacking wine bottles. James is out on a break, but there are about three people in the whole place, so Kris can manage just fine on his own.

"Hi," he greets her. "What can I get you?"

She tries to get her wet hair away from her neck to no avail. It was a nice day out this morning, she can't be blamed for being unprepared. She is wearing a light blouse which is now sticking to her chest; he can only imagine how uncomfortable that must be. She gives up on the hair and gives him a smile that says what can you do? Kris likes her instantly.

"Something hot?" he wagers a guess. "Coffee? Hot chocolate? We have great hot chocolate."

"Okay, yeah," she says, showing her dimples. "Get me a hot chocolate."

James comes back as he prepares her drink, looking rumpled like he took his break having a fifteen-minute nap. Kris points him towards the back booth where a customer looks ready to order.

"There you go. I put some extra marshmallows in it just for you."

She looks properly appreciative of his marshmallow sacrifice. "Thank you." She takes a careful sip and gives him a satisfied nod.

Kris putters around while she drinks her hot chocolate and talks on the phone to her husband. He finds this aspect of being a bartender both interesting and annoying. You get to hear everything about the customers. Kris is not usually the curious type, but he's been getting more and more into the whole people-watching thing. Thankfully there's a lot to keep busy with behind the bar, so he at least doesn't look like he is listening.

She's almost done with her drink and gearing up to go back out there when Kris decides that he should really help her out with the clothes. He would've wanted someone to help his mother out, wouldn't he?

"Hey. There's a bathroom in the back office if you want to freshen up a bit. We have some towels and stuff."

"Really?" She looks so grateful, Kris feels bad for thinking that people didn't do nice things for each other in LA unless they were psycho killers. There are still some normal people around.

"Sure. Come on. I'll show you."

The bathroom is clean enough, and yes, they do have clean towels. He shows her how to lock the door and goes back to wait in the office. He hops on his desk and prays that she doesn't take forever in there like some of his ex-girlfriends did whenever they said they were going to freshen up. Thankfully she turns out to be more like his mother who is always quick and efficient.

"Thank you so much," she says as they make their way back to the bar. "Today is turning out to be a nightmare."

"Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed."

"Yes, this is certainly one of those," she says. She tries to put her purse on the counter, but it slips and falls down with a soft thud. "Oh, crap."

Kris automatically bends down to pick up the fallen items. A lipstick, a small mirror, a wallet... with a picture of Adam in it?

She's berating her clumsiness and thanking him as she puts them back in her purse, but Kris isn't really listening because she has a picture of Adam in her wallet. She notices him looking at the picture (or maybe it's the way he's been clutching her wallet like a mad person) so she says "That's my family."

Kris looks up at her. They don't look alike.

She smiles the smile of a doting mother. "Those are my sons. Neil and Adam."

"I know your son," he says before he can stop himself.

She follows his gaze. "Adam?"

Kris nods. She's all smiles now. This is so inappropriate.

She sits back on her stool and extends her hand to him. "I'm Leila."

"Kris."

"So, Kris. How do you know Adam?"

She is not just asking out of politeness, she looks sincerely curious. Kris probably isn't the type of person Adam would normally hang out with after all. He tries to think of a lie, but he is just so terrible at lying. Vague is the best he can do. "I don't really know him. We met at a club once."

The searching look she gives him reminds him of his own mother. "Oh," she says knowingly. "You're one of those friends of his."

Kris wishes the ground would just swallow him up. He wishes really hard. It doesn't work.

"I wish he wouldn't do that," she says, her voice a little lower pitched than before. "He is getting too old for that kind of life."

Kris can't imagine having this conversation with his mom. Having it with the mother of the guy who blew him in a club bathroom is just surreal. "Maybe he's not the type to settle down," he offers with a shrug. That's the Adam in his head anyway. "Some people are like that, I guess."

"Oh, no, he is not. Trust me. He's just confused. You're such a nice boy. I mean, why wouldn't he want to properly go out with someone like you, right?"

"I didn't exactly give him my number," Kris says in Adam's defense. "Or my name, for that matter," he adds after a thought.

She makes a disapproving face. Kris pictures her giving Adam a talk on how to properly treat the strangers he has sex with. She seems like the kind of mom who would do that and actually pull it off. He can tell that she'd be very hard to faze. Kris is beyond embarrassed at this point, but she's just so likable, he can't make himself give her the cold shoulder.

"I love my son, but he certainly has his issues. But if you don't mind me saying Kris, you don't really look the wild and casual type," she says.

"I'm not!" He is so lame, defending himself to Leila. But he can't help it. He wants her to like him. "Not normally, anyway."

She smirks at him. Now she reminds him a bit of Adam. "Well, he is a special one, isn't he?"

Kris thinks she probably enjoys watching him blush.

"You shouldn't let the look fool you, Kris. He's actually a really good person. He just hides it well. God knows why."

Kris shrugs. "It's not likely that we'll run into each other again. Like I said, I don't really do that."

"You boys," she says. "You make life so hard for yourselves."

A terrifying thought occurs to Kris. "Please don't tell him you met me! That would be just awkward all around."

She sighs and shakes her head. "Okay. But just so you know, this is silly."

Kris refuses to let her pay for the hot chocolate, and lets her kiss him on the cheek before she leaves. He figures that's possibly the oddest thing that could happen to a person after a one-night stand. He is wrong.

~

The next morning he gets a text from Allison saying she wants to sing Against All Odds at the pub, so Kris finds himself practicing it in the back room on and off all day. It's not that hard a song to learn, but he feels out of sorts, can't really focus on the notes. Whenever he does go into the pub, he notices a guy sitting by the window, watching him. Maybe he is paranoid, he can't be sure, but the guy does seem familiar and he's been sitting in that same spot for a suspiciously long time.

There's not much of a crowd that night and Kris is immensely grateful for that. He is not in the mood to perform. Meeting Leila threw him off more than he thinks it should have. It is just so unfair that the guy he thought was impossibly hot also had to have a cool mother. He'd been on the verge of getting over this thing and now he's curious all over again.

Allison comes in wearing her I'm a strong little girl and I will not cry face and informs him that she's been dumped by the idiot she's been dating; apparently her sudden desire to sing depressing break up songs stemmed from that. Kris thinks she's going about it the wrong way, I Will Survive would surely have worked better, but if she wants to wallow for a day or two, he's not going to stand in her way. So he gives her a hug and sits down to play. She does have a lot of fun singing the song and by the end of it all eyes have turned on her. Allison lives for that attention. Singing helps her get things out of her system and the cheers will certainly help her bruised ego. Kris notices the guy again as he slowly starts on Killing Me Softly. He is staring so intently, it is starting to freak him out.

Allison insists on Kris singing a song by himself. She does that sometimes. He can't be sure if she actually likes his voice or feels that she should give him the chance. "For meee!" she wails in her whiny, begging voice, all pleading eyes and pouting lips. He caves, of course. He always does. He sings her You've Got to Hide Your Love Away; it's a favorite of his. Singing those familiar words after so long makes his heart hurt a little. It reminds him of the days he used to spend immersed in music; listening and singing and writing. That old passion tries to reignite at times like this. He expects it to get easier to repress as time goes, but it stays the same.

The stalker guy is fiddling with his phone when he next looks back up, almost as if he's taking a picture of him. Why would anyone want to take a picture of him? He is getting worried about his sanity.

"I see you've got an admirer," Allison says, smirking at him.

So he's not completely paranoid, then. "More like a stalker, I think."

They look towards the guy to find him grinning at Kris. He winks, and putting away his phone, leaves the pub.

~

Adam finds Neil sitting in his kitchen eating his cereal when he wakes up.

"I rue the day I gave you a key."

"Good morning!" Neil says in a chipper voice. "And I love you, too!"

Adam pours himself some orange juice and downs a couple of painkillers with it. His head is killing him. He shouldn't have had those last two shots. Or three. Or four, really.

"I've got something for you." Neil takes out his phone and scrolls through the pictures.

"I do not want to see your naked pictures first thing in the morning."

Neil makes a face without looking up. "Like I'd ever show you." Adam notes how Neil didn't protest to having naked pictures on his phone. Ewww. Ewww. Seriously. Ewww.

Having found whatever he was looking for, he presents the phone to Adam with a flourish. "Ta daa!"

Adam blinks. It's the guy. He rubs his eyes, smudging last night's make up even more. It's the fucking guy. What the fuck is his fucking guy doing in Neil's phone? "What the fuck--?"

"It's the guy you've been looking for!" Neil says, grinning smugly. Adam thinks smug is a very unattractive look for him. Not that he's ever seen anything look attractive on Neil.

"I haven't been looking for him." It's a good picture too. He's at a cafe or something, talking to a girl with fire red hair. He has a smile on his face. Adam doesn't think he'd seen that particular smile that night, he is sure he would have remembered.

"Yes, you have."

Adam rolls his eyes.

"Yes, you have! You've been to Sateen how many times since that night?"

"I like that club," Adam shrugs.

"The hell you do. I know you. Don't bullshit me. I found your prince charming. Suck it up and ask me how."

The smug bastard. "My prince charming? Please. Just because I was intrigued--"

"...by his ass?"

"I was intrigued; he surprised me. And that's all it is. If I had run into him at the club, not that I was looking to run into him mind you, I would have fucked him and sent him packing. If you wanna call that prince charming, sure, why not."

Neil gives him a look that says who are you kidding and takes back his phone. "Well okay. I guess you don't wanna know his name or where he works--"

"Tell me you did not hire a detective."

Neil opens his arms in triumph. "Who needs a detective when you have me?"

They sit in silence for a moment staring at each other; Neil with a shit-eating grin and Adam with a scowl he can practically feel in his toes. Adam wonders if Neil is bluffing. It doesn't matter though, he is not going to crack. He doesn't want that guy badly enough to go looking for him. People come to him. He picks and chooses, he doesn't chase after them.

"Did I mention that he sings?" Neil says. He is so damn annoying. "I might have accidentally recorded his voice." He wags the phone at Adam.

Adam gets up with a huff and goes to get ready for work. Why his parents ever thought it'd be a good idea to have a second child he'll never know.

He comes back a minute later to grab Neil's phone. That taunting fucking fucker. Neil's laughter grates his ears.

~

Adam really doesn't chase after people. It's just not his thing. He was telling the truth when he said he was intrigued. He was. (He is.) He'd picked that guy up thinking he'd have some fun with him; the way his eyes had lingered just a tad too long on Adam said he was slightly bi-curious and he was obviously inexperienced, Adam had thought he'd push him a little bit, make him sweat. He wasn't the type of guy Adam would normally notice, but at that club it was hard not to notice him, he stuck out like a sore thumb. Casual clothes, honest smile, shy eyes. He was everything the guys trying to grind against Adam on the dance floor weren't. It was no wonder that his eyes kept going back to him.

The guy had looked so surprised when he'd grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the bathroom; Adam remembers thinking this is going to be wicked fun. But it turned out the guy wasn't really the kind of bi-curious he thought he was. He was hungry, he was into it, and he was so damn cute.

So yes, Adam did regret not getting his name or number. The sex had been slightly clumsy but startlingly hot, and he could just imagine what he could do with that in a proper bed. He probably wouldn't let him come up for breath for a couple hours at least.

(Inexperience had mostly put Adam off in the past. When he thinks about that night though, his mind conjures images of teaching that guy everything he knows. Twice.)

He had been to Sateen often since then, he admits that. And yes, maybe he had looked for the guy from that night. But it isn't like he'd been actively searching. It's just that no one else seemed interesting. That club is always packed, even during the week, but looking at the people around him, Adam couldn't be bothered to make an effort. Half naked, sweaty, smug, glittery; they were all like extras from Queer as Folk. Adam had had them all and none of them deserve a second glance. Boring, boring, fake, boring, his mind chanting over and over.

The guy didn't show up. Adam had figured he wouldn't. He didn't look the type to hang out in places like that. He looked more like-- Well, he looked more like a guy who would hang out in a cafe and sing.

Neil is not a very gifted photographer, but he has a couple of good shots. The one he first showed Adam is a good one. Adam likes the smile in that one. And there's the one where the guy is behind the bar, pouring drinks. What is he, a bartender? Adam is curious, but he won't give Neil the satisfaction of calling and asking. He's bound to see Neil soon, he'll work it into conversation somehow. He is sure he'll find a way. (Besides, Neil would probably burst if he doesn't get to tell him.) The best picture though, is the one where the guy is playing the guitar and singing. He has his eyes closed in that one. It makes Adam think of making him come again.

He'd emailed himself the pictures and the recording. He'd need some time with those. He wants to listen to that song again. It's not a good recording, too much background noise, but he can tell the guy has some serious talent. That actually surprises the hell out of Adam. The guy's voice is interesting in an understated way and the way he sings that song is kind of ingenious. It's nothing elaborate, mind you, but Adam can tell that he likes the song and has worked on building his own version of it, making tweaks here and there. Adam knows what that means, because he's been doing that himself since he was ten. The guy isn't just someone singing in a cafe, he is an actual musician. What are the fucking odds? Seriously.

Adam has to hurry if he wants to make it to rehearsal in time. He puts his phone back in his pocket and pats it as a promise. He'll be back to it as soon as he can.

~

It's been a week since Neil showed him the photos and Adam has been a stubborn shit. Neil knows he is interested. He can tell that he is dying to know. But he just won't ask. Neil doesn't know what the hell is wrong with his brother, but at this point he has a mind to not give him the information even if he asks.

"You know what your problem is?"

Adam looks at him nonplussed. "That my stupid brother keeps eating my food?"

"Your problem is that you're an ass." Adam snorts. "You're an ass, Adam. You spend all that time in front of mirrors, playing around with make up, practicing that stupid smirk, but do you ever actually look at your reflection?"

Adam sighs and puts down his coffee on the table. "What am I supposed to be seeing?"

"You're a thirty-something guy still trying to live the life of a twenty year old."

Adam throws his hands up in protest. "Thirty-one! I'm thirty-one! You don't call a thirty-one year old thirty-something. That's just stupid."

Neil rolls his eyes at him. Like that's the relevant point here. "The point is, you have to stop fucking running away from your age! You're not Peter Pan."

"Oh, I'm way sexier."

"Adam. You need to grow up. Settle down. Date someone. Seriously, if I thought you'd be happy with this life, I'd have said go fuck whomever you want! Live it up!"

"And, what, you think I'd be happy with two point five kids and a dog?"

"I think you'd be happier being with someone who is not just fucking you for the glory. It's getting old, Adam. You know that. I know that. I don't understand why you're fighting it."

"Stop channeling Mom, Neil. Seriously. It's freaking me out."

"You're freaking me out, you freak. What the hell is your damage? What's so wrong with dating?"

Adam shrugs like it's not that big a deal. "I just don't get much out of dating. I mean, people date to have sex. If I can have the sex without all the other stuff, why bother with the baggage?"

"For God's sake, Adam, it's not baggage. It's like family. Like best friends. Do you ever think of us as baggage?"

"You guys are different. I've had boyfriends, I remember the concept. You give them an inch and they think they own you. They get clingy, they meddle with everything, and before you know it you're picking out china patterns. Who the fuck cares about china patterns?"

"I am sure all two of your boyfriends have been like that, but if you spend some time actually getting to know some people instead of just fucking them, you may find out that there are better people out there."

"Neil. I don't want a boyfriend. I'm happy with my life. I don't need anyone in my space messing things up."

Neil shakes his head. "It's just-- I've never seen you choose the safer way about anything before. It's a little disappointing." Adam looks kind of sad and Neil can tell that he can't quite get across what he means and is frustrated because of it. Whatever he thinks his reasons are though, Neil knows they are only excuses. He thinks that somewhere along the way Adam started to buy his own press, and he needs to wake the fuck up as soon as possible.

"Look, the last thing I want is to know more about your sex life. But I saw the way you looked at that guy before you went into that bathroom with him, and I saw the way you looked at him after. It wasn't your usual I just got some look. You were interested. I know you're not used to it, but that's a good thing."

Adam looks away. "I told you. He surprised me."

"And I tell you that he is actually even more surprising, and what do you do? You get all stoic and stubborn. Such an ass."

"What the fuck do you want me to do?"

"I want you to go after it, man!"

They look at each other, all bullshit left aside. Adam knows Neil knows him. Neil knows Adam knows he knows him. It's pointless to argue. "What do you think is going to happen if I do go after it? It's not going to be any different. I'm not going to magically change."

Neil crosses his arms over his chest and leans back in his chair. "Adam, this is a really sad thing for me to say, but I think you don't really know yourself all that well."

Adam crosses his arms to mirror him. "Neil, this is a really sad thing for me to say, but I think you're full of shit." He points an accusing finger at Neil. "Just like you were when you said it was the dog that broke Aunt Helen's vase."

Neil stares. (There is no way he is admitting to the vase thing.) He can't really do much else except maybe bodily drag Adam down to the pub and make him talk to the guy. But knowing Adam, that would probably turn him into an even more stubborn bitch. So he caves.

"His name is Kris, with a K. He's the manager of a small pub on Hill Street. He's a musician, seriously awesome singer, I heard him sing live, it was wicked. According to the bartender, he plays the guitar, piano, viola and some other shit he doesn't know. He is a down to earth kind of guy; his employees love him. Very likable, good with people, kind of shy. He's an all around cool guy." Adam opens his mouth to speak, but Neil interrupts. "Oh, and by the way, Mom loves him."

Adam's eyes go wide with that and he opens his mouth to ask, but Neil isn't touching that with a ten foot pole. "It's her story. You should ask her about it."

~

Adam passes the pub every day on his way to and from work. He didn't use to, it makes the way a bit longer than normal, but one day he went to check the place out before work and now he can't stop himself. He's never been inside the pub; a part of him irrationally hopes that he'll run into Kris out in the street somehow and have it be not-awkward, which of course doesn't happen. After a week of this, he decides that enough is enough. He should really do something before Neil starts to butt into his business again.

He finds himself opening the dark wooden door on a Saturday night. The place is jam-packed, which is good in case he wants to hide or strategically retreat. He makes his way to the bar and sees Kris behind it, smiling and talking to customers as he serves drinks. Adam can't really picture him as a bartender, but he moves with ease and competence, seems to know what he's doing. It's sort of hot, watching his hands. He finds himself a stool at the bar and waits for Kris to notice him.

It doesn't take long, and when he does, Kris does a double take. It calms Adam down somehow to see his shock, the dropped jaw, the wide eyes. Of course he wasn't the only one who obsessed over that night. Stupid to think he would be.

Kris says something to the other bartender, James, his name tag reads, and walks over to Adam. They look at each other for a minute, then Kris says, "Huh."

The corners of Adam's mouth twitch at that. "Hi," he says, giving him a small wave.

"Hi. What--uh. What can I get you?"

Adam seriously can't think of a drink right now. "Surprise me."

Kris nods with a raised eyebrow. He pours something red into an ice filled glass and mixes in some orange juice. Then he grabs a shaker, and covering the glass with the bottom of it, he shakes the drink until it turns a pinkish color. It is fascinating to watch him do that, all practiced and controlled. Kris serves it with a lime wedge, and waits for Adam to take a sip with his hands braced on the bar.

Adam does. It's not bad.

"Not bad. What's this called?"

"Cherry Hooker."

Adam almost chokes on the drink. He tries to keep the laughter in, but it comes bubbling out. Cherry Hooker. Seriously. When he finally gets himself under control, he offers Kris his hand. "Adam Lambert. Wouldn't want you to remember me as the Cherry Hooker guy."

Kris smiles an adorable little smile, shy and lopsided. "Kris Allen," he says, shaking his hand. Their hands linger just for a moment and they look at each other almost saying now what?

"Small world, huh?" Adam says, sipping his drink.

"Getting smaller every day," Kris agrees.

~

Adam spends the good part of an hour watching Kris serve drinks while trying not to look over at Adam too much. He can tell that he's nervous, but who wouldn't be, really, with their very own personal stalker only a couple feet away? Adam had planned on leaving long before this, but the more he watched, the more he wanted, and now he's sitting on that stool, his ass numb and his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest, more turned on than he's been for a long time.

He can't really pinpoint what it is that draws him to this guy. He is cute, that's a given, but this thing he has developed goes way beyond cute. Kris is wearing jeans and a grey t-shirt; he looks simple and modest, neither of which are qualities Adam has ever looked for or liked in a guy before. He thinks that this drastic change in his taste in men probably means he needs a change of scenery. He is probably just getting hung up on Kris because he is different. Whatever the reason though, he doesn't like feeling disoriented like this. He'll have to get this out of his system.

The next time Kris walks over to his side of the bar, Adam grips his wrist. "Don't you have a break coming up?"

~

Kris' heart is literally in his throat. He'd never thought he'd consider having sex at the pub. Right now though, the image is crystal clear in his head. He is definitely having sex at the pub. There is no way he's saying no to Adam.

The pub is not as crowded as it was an hour ago, Laura is there and James can handle the bar on his own, so he has no excuses to stall. He tells James he'll be in the back. "Sure thing boss," he replies with a wink. And isn't that just perfect? His professional image is in shatters already.

He comes out from behind the bar and motions for Adam to follow him. He leads the way to the office on shaky legs and hears Adam lock the door behind them before Kris can even turn around and face him. Kris can feel panic and anticipation war inside of him. Maybe Adam just wants to talk, his inner idiot offers, but of course Adam doesn't just want to talk. They look at each other for a moment, their eyes lock and Kris can literally hear the sizzling sound in the room. Then it's Adam pushing him against the wall and him grabbing Adam's shirt to pull him with. They kiss and Kris can't believe he went without this for so long. He feels drunk with it, he feels like he doesn't even need to breathe as long as he keeps kissing Adam. He doesn't remember feeling like this with anyone else, ever. This probably means I'm gay, he thinks, mentally apologizing to all his past girlfriends. That would certainly explain why this thing with Adam doesn't compare to any sex he's ever had before.

Adam's hands are as large as he remembers them to be and even more talented. They are moving underneath his t-shirt, bunching it up as they go, and Kris' skin is burning in their wake. He realizes he's still clutching at Adam's shirt and makes himself let go; his hands settle on Adam's hips instead. He is wearing black jeans, skin tight; Kris doesn't know how he'll be able to get them down. Adam pulls Kris' t-shirt up and off as Kris contemplates the logistics. The cool air hitting his chest makes him feel self-conscious suddenly, which is just plain ridiculous. The time to feel shy and self-conscious is way past now; he never should have said yes to this if he was going to do it half-assed. He reaches between them and starts undoing Adam's shirt buttons defiantly. If he is going to do this, he's going to do it right.

By the time he's done with the shirt buttons, Adam has both their jeans unbuttoned as well. He pushes Kris up against the wall firmly, lifts one of his legs up and makes himself a place right between his legs. He rocks up against Kris and they groan in unison at the pressure. Kris holds Adam's face between his palms; he is wearing black eyeliner again and his hair is faintly damp, falling down the sides of his face in limp curls. He is beautiful in such a different way from the people Kris has found beautiful before; so different in fact that there is no way to compare. Kris kisses his lips slowly, and they move together, not rushed, not hurrying, but savoring the moment. This is much better than the bathroom sex. It's Kris' new favorite thing ever. Slow and torturous and burning hot. Just when Kris starts to think that he's going to go mad, Adam bites him in the neck, drops Kris back on his feet and gets down on his knees.

Kris' head thunks back to the wall. He will go mad if he watches this. He feels Adam's hands, he feels his breath, he feels his lips on his thighs, then Adam says, "Kris," in a hoarse voice, and it's the first time he's ever said Kris' name, Kris can't not look. Adam is looking up through his lashes in a way that mirrors that first night. Kris' breath comes out stuttering. Adam makes sure he's looking at him, then closes his eyes as he moves to take him in his mouth.

It takes Kris an embarrassingly short amount of time to come. But in his defense, Adam is so good at this, Kris thinks he can probably give lessons. He grabs Adam's hair when he can breathe again and pulls him back up. He kisses him wild and dirty, and whispers "Can I--?" as his hand moves down. It feels odd to be asking permission for this, but he can't just do it when he doesn't even know what he is doing.

Adam seems surprised. "You want to--?" he asks, head tilted to one side, looking faintly confused. Kris doesn't bother with an answer. It's not about wanting at this point; he feels like he will die if he doesn't.

He turns them around, pushes Adam against the wall and goes down on his knees. He never really thought he'd want to do this, (not just as reciprocation, but because it's hot) but it's almost like a craving now. He feels Adam's hand carding through his hair and looks up. Adam licks his lips and tells him to take it slow. Kris does. It turns out that it's not as difficult as he thought it would be. Adam is a good instructor; his being completely unashamed helps, as does his inability to shut up during sex. In the end Kris is pretty sure he has done a passable job when Adam comes in his mouth and giggles apologies afterwards. He helps Kris wipe his chin and kisses away the rest of it right from his mouth. This is by far the dirtiest sex Kris has ever had.

"Okay," Adam says when they finally catch their breaths. He helps Kris put his t-shirt back on, fingertips lingering on his waist a little. Kris has been dressing himself for a long time now, but he is not about to complain about having Adam's hands on him. He then buttons up his shirt and jeans, running a hand through his messy hair. "Okay?" It's a question this time and Kris pulls him into a searing kiss instead of answering. He is so far beyond okay, he can't even see it from where he's standing.

Adam pulls back smirking. "I'll see you later," he says, as he unlocks the door and leaves. Kris sure hopes so.

~

The next day Allison comes into work half an hour late. She has her hair in pigtails and she's wearing her apron on top of a strapless dress. She's been on the warpath since Robbie broke up with her, refusing to set foot out of the apartment looking anything less than sexy and provocative. It's been tiring to watch for Kris.

Kris doesn't get an explanation for her tardiness; she just presents him with a LEGO pig. It's small and pink and kind of funny looking. He has no idea where she could have gotten it from. "Thank you?"

"You're welcome. I made it for you. Now tell me all about this hottie James tells me about."

Word travels fast in the pub.

"What hottie?"

"Black hair, blue eyes, sexy make up," James provides. "Ring any bells?"

It's amazing how impossible to shock James is. He is a quiet kid, minds his own business, keeps to himself mostly, gets a bit childish near Allison from time to time, and he is just so matter of fact about everything. It's disquieting, really.

"It was Adam," Kris admits.

Allison abandons the table she was cleaning and drops herself on the chair across from Kris. "Adam from Sateen, Adam? Seriously?"

"Yes. Seriously."

Allison grins. "So? What happened?"

"He came in. Had a drink. We had sex. He left."

Allison is practically vibrating where she sits, like she is so giddy her body can't contain it. "Fate! Didn't I tell you? I have a good feeling about this."

Kris has a lot of feelings about this. Impending doom being one of them. "You think Fate is playing pimp for me?"

"I think it's playing matchmaker. There's a difference. Did he give you a phone number this time? A card? A slipper? Anything?"

Kris shakes his head. "He said he'll see me later."

Allison sighs happily. Kris has no idea what she's so happy about.

~

Adam waits three days before going back again, and even then it's against his better judgment. But he's had it up to here today with the bitches at work and he needs something good to happen before he explodes. He doesn't question why that good thing is not going out with his friends or staying in with his mom. These days all he can think about is going back to that pub.

When he arrives, Adam doesn't see Kris anywhere. He recognizes the bartender though. "James, right?" he says, leaning against the bar.

"Yes," James says, pointing at his name tag. "And you're Adam. Right?"

Kris has been talking about him? Now that's unexpected to say the least. "Right. Is Kris around?"

"Haven't seen him in a while. Hold on." He looks around and hollers towards the back booths. "Allison! Yo!"

The girl from the photos comes towards them, sashaying her hips. "James!" she says, imitating his tone. "Yo!"

"You know where Kris is?"

Allison gives Adam a once over. "He ran to the apartment real quick. Had to touch up his make up or some shit. I don't know. He said he'll be back soon."

James gives Adam a look that says there you go and walks over to the other side of the bar, where a new customer is waiting to order.

Allison stays. She seems curious. "Hi, I'm Allison. Kris' roommate. You are?"

"Adam." From the way Allison's eyes go wide and surprised, he can tell she knows all about him. His reputation precedes him as always.

She tugs his arm and steers him towards a booth. There's a reserved sign on it. "Boss' booth," she explains. "He gets cranky when people sit here."

"Now I feel all privileged," Adam says, smirking.

Allison smirks back. She seems like a cool kid. "What can I get you?"

"Just a coffee. Thank you."

She gives him a wink. "Coming right up!"

~

Kris was only gone for twenty minutes. Thirty minutes tops. But when he comes back, it's like entering the Twilight Zone. Adam is sitting in his booth. And playing with his LEGO pig?

"Hi?" He sits down. It's not his usual place, Adam is sitting in his usual place, everything is backwards like this.

"Hi!" Adam says brightly. "I like your pig."

"Uhm. Thank you."

Allison places a plate of cheesecakes in front of Adam. There are three kinds on the plate, all quarter slices, which means she just butchered three perfectly good slices for this. "Here you go," she says. "I like the chocolate, but I've been told that the cherry is the best in town."

"Thank you, Allison." Of course they met. God knows what they talked about while he was gone.

"You're welcome!" She turns to Kris. "You want anything, boss?" Kris shakes his head no. "I'll just go get you a fork," Allison says, hopping off towards the kitchen. She is evil. There is no way Kris is going anywhere near Adam's dessert.

Adam gives him a smile and carefully tries each cheesecake, taking small bites. "Hmm. I think I like the cherry best."

"It's Kris' favorite too," Allison stage-whispers, placing a fork and a napkin in front of Kris. She grins at him; he scowls back at her.

Adam moves the plate towards him. "Want some? It's good. I haven't had dessert in..." He thinks about it for a minute. "Three weeks and four days."

"That's specific."

Adam makes the funniest self-deprecating face Kris has ever seen. "Trying to lose weight."

The idea horrifies Kris. He really shouldn't. But he's not about to blurt that out and sound like a crazy person. "Making an exception for Allison?"

"Making an exception for the day. It was a terrible, horrible, bad, bad day." He takes a bigger bite from the cherry cheesecake.

"What happened?"

Adam waves a hand. "Work troubles."

Kris isn't sure if he's allowed to ask, but Adam is sitting in his booth, eating his cheesecakes. He feels confident in assuming he does. "What do you do?"

"I'm an actor. Theater."

"Huh." He should have guessed that. It seems so obvious in hindsight.

"Picture five drama queens on one stage. That's what I have to put up with on a daily basis. I was this close to stabbing someone in the eye with my eyeliner today."

Adam uses his hands when he talks and Kris can almost see the frustration coming out through his fingertips. "You shouldn't do that to your eyeliner," he says. "I like your eyeliner."

Adam smiles wide, showing his perfect teeth. "I'll keep that in mind next time."

~

This time it's Adam who leads the way to the office. His swagger says he knows the way now and he won't be coy about it. He waits for Kris to lock the door, then pulls him close and dances him towards the desk. Kris wonders if he's a dancer as well. He looks like he might be. He certainly knows how to move. Sweeping some files off the desk, he pushes Kris onto it with one practiced move. Kris feels like maybe he should be protesting, he is being manhandled and moved around, but it's a surprise to him every time that he doesn't mind it when it's Adam. It feels natural with him. Just like sinking to his knees felt natural. It feels right, like it's something he's been doing all his life, like it's something he's meant to be doing. (Wouldn't Allison love to hear that?)

Once they start kissing, it's hard to stop. Kris slides back when Adam's pushes turn insistent, and Adam follows him up the desk, straddling his legs heavily. Kris wouldn't have thought before this minute that he'd enjoy having a man straddle him on top of a desk, but Adam has brought so many firsts with him, Kris can't even feel surprised anymore. What is kind of surprising is that he is having so much fun with Adam. He's never been in a situation to have sex on a desk before, but even if he had, he doubts he would have had this much fun while doing it. It's a bit of a roller-coaster ride, with odd intervals of lust and giggles.

They pull each other's t-shirts off and throw them over their heads. Kris lies down flat and lets Adam cover his body with his own. Adam is holding some of his weight back with an elbow, probably afraid of crushing him; Kris wishes he wouldn't. It's true he probably wouldn't be able to breathe if Adam completely let go, but if he'd thought it felt good the last time they were half naked, this time it's out of this world. There is something to be said for being horizontal while doing this. He can feel every breath, every shiver. Every nerve in his body is ablaze.

Adam seems to like Kris' chest. Kris had noticed this the last time, even ruminated over what could possibly be so special about it afterwards. He is kind of scrawny really, doesn't have any real muscle, just the ridiculously humble kind a bartender would get, and he doesn't even get to do that a lot anymore. Now Adam's chest on the other hand is something else. His chest, his whole body, is the reason Kris thinks it'd be a shame for him to be thinner or any other way than he is right now. He is perfect just like this. Kris runs his hands up and down Adam's back, delighting in the shivers he is causing, loving the feel, the texture. "You really shouldn't try to lose weight," he finds himself saying; Adam looks almost as surprised at his words as he is himself. One of Kris' hands finds its way to Adam's face somehow and he watches in detached fascination as his fingers travel down his cheek and along his neck. In the end, Kris just shrugs as an answer to the question in Adam's eyes. He can't explain what he means by that, because if he does he'll have to use words like beautiful and perfect and he can see Adam running for the hills after that clear as day.

The office is dark, they didn't bother with a light. Maybe it's that, or the fact that they are doing this lying down this time, Kris can't be sure what makes the difference, but this feels more intense than the other two times, which Kris had assumed would be an impossible task to accomplish. It's an uncomfortable place to have sex in for sure, but that doesn't seem to affect the way they move. Kris thinks that it's probably all Adam; Kris certainly has never had this kind of grace before. It is kind of fascinating, because even though Kris has had long-term girlfriends, he doesn't remember ever being in sync like this with any of them. He and Adam move together like it's choreographed, and even when things take a turn for the hilarious, like when Kris almost falls off the desk, it is all still inexplicably hot.

Kris wiggles a bit, trying to dislodge the stapler digging into his back, but it doesn't work. He starts giggling. This is ludicrous. Really, how did his life turn into this?

"What?" Adam says against his lips. Kris can't stop the giggles long enough to speak. Adam growls at him and bites his lower lip. "Seriously. What?"

"Stapler." Kris arches up, trying to reach behind himself. Adam slaps his hand away and sweeps the stapler off the table.

"Sex and office supplies; not a good mix," he informs Kris, like it was Kris' idea to use the desk when there is a perfectly good couch in the room.

Kris is still giggling. "I don't normally do this here, you know."

"Where do you do it then?"

Kris' giggles evolve into a laugh. "I do have an apartment. Bed and all."

"Stop giving me ideas."

"Ideas like sex in a bed? Outrageous!"

~

Before he leaves, Adam programs his number into Kris' cell, and calls himself to get his number. Kris feels a knot he didn't know he had in his chest let loose. "For emergencies," Adam says as he gives Kris back his phone.

Kris' brow furrows. "You think I'm gonna have blowjob emergencies?"

Adam shrugs. "You never know."

~

Kris doesn't have any blowjob emergencies. If he does, he doesn't call Adam about them. But Adam doesn't really mind not getting a call. He knows he is welcome whenever at the pub; he has been abusing that privilege two, three times a week since the memorable desk sex. And he does get some sort of sex every time whether he asks for it or not. It's kind of Pavlovian now. He sees Kris and thinks sex. He thinks it's probably the same for Kris, because, really, who wouldn't look at Adam and think sex anyway?

A part of Adam is grateful that Kris isn't using his number. It's a good thing that Kris doesn't push for more contact. Kris is the commitment type, Adam knows that, he has been working hard on ignoring that. So his not calling is a relief in a way. It means there are no unnecessary expectations.

(Allison gave him all the dirt about the ex-girlfriends. Adam acted aloof at the time, but it scared the shit out of him to learn that Kris dated someone for 7 years. Aside from some knick-knacks from childhood, Adam doesn't think he owns anything that's over 7 years old.)

Adam finds himself hanging out more and more at the pub. He knows all the waitresses now. If anyone asks, he's waiting for Kris (not that they do), but he actually likes hanging out there. Allison, he found out, is hilarious. She has some priceless stories about Kris that she is not afraid to share. He unintentionally starts keeping track of her shifts in order to spend some time with her while he's there. Adam has had girl friends before, but he's never had the sister-like, good-girl sort of friend that Kris has in Allison. It's a whole different dynamic, which he finds refreshing.

Kris is inexplicably easy to be around. There is no awkwardness between them because of the sex, which surprises the hell out of Adam. Kris is not clingy, he is not over analyzing every touch and every word, he is just this great guy Adam can talk to about anything. He's learned a lot about Kris these past few weeks. Kris doesn't mind talking about himself. Adam thinks he probably doesn't know how to deflect, let alone outright lie, so he ends up sharing all sorts of odds and ends in every conversation they have. The little bits and pieces of information are like tiny LEGO pieces, building castles in Adam's mind.

Adam likes Kris. He almost wishes they'd met under different circumstances, where they could have been friends without the sex and all its inevitable complications. But then he remembers what it's like to have sex with Kris, and changes his mind all over again.

~

Kris loves it when the pub is quiet. They turn the music down low when it's like this, James fills his favorite cup with fresh coffee, and he sits in his booth feeling peaceful and content. Maybe it's the small town kid in him, but he thinks that's what life is about; excitement is good, but peace is priceless. These days, sometimes his quiet time is interrupted by Adam, who shows up at odd times, never sticking to a meaningful schedule, and brings perfume and glitter and flair into the pub with him. Kris can't really say he minds the interruption.

Adam grabs himself a cup of coffee and joins Kris. "Allison not in yet?"

"She's not working today."

"I know. She's meeting me here."

Kris eyes the black bag Adam gingerly placed on the floor. "Do I even want to know?"

Adam grins at him; his eyes are dancing with mischief. "Probably not."

Kris stares. Adam stares back, raising an eyebrow that says you'll be sorry you asked. He puts the bag on the table and opens it in some mysterious way. The bag makes a couple of clicks and a soft whirring sound and turns into a limp canvas with zippers on the sides, which Adam deftly unzips revealing a make up kit. For about twelve people.

"Please tell me you're not doing makeovers."

"Yes," Adam says, having way too much fun with this. "I'm going to do her make up and she is going to braid my hair. And then, James is going to give us pedicures."

"I hate you," Kris says. Adam's grin grows even brighter. Kris is enamored with Adam's palette of faces. This particular one is titled "glee" in Kris' mind and is one of his favorites. Top 5, definitely.

Adam pulls a small black bottle out of the bag and shakes it, grabbing one of Kris' hands, making Kris' heart leap in his throat. He is not used to being touched by Adam outside the office.

"What are you doing?" Kris asks, but doesn't pull his hand back. This kind of touch is a whole new experience, he wants to digest it properly. "Adam. I'm not wearing nail polish."

"Of course not," Adam says dismissively, painting his thumb black.

"Adam."

Adam moves on to the other fingers, carefully painting each small nail. "Stop pouting," he says without looking up.

"I don't pout." He doesn't. That's just ridiculous.

Adam laughs softly. He sounds a bit like he's making fun of him. "Yes, you do. You pout all the time." Adam looks up. "See," he points to his lips. "That's the pout."

"No, it's not."

"It's cute. Really. I like the pout."

Kris is about to continue his futile protests when he hears a weird dolphin screech coming from the door and looks up to find Allison running towards them, arms flailing.

"Are you kidding me? This is your make up kit?"

Kid in a candy store, Kris thinks, but then revises the thought upon taking in the dress she's wearing. Slutty kid in a sex shop, more like.

Adam is all alight now, showing off his brushes and whatever the hell those other contraptions are. Some of them look like torture devices to Kris. Taking advantage of the commotion, Kris pulls his hand back, but it's too late for it anyway, all five nails are now shiny and black. Kris wouldn't admit it under pain of torture, but he kind of likes them. Not that he would ever paint his nails himself, but he likes that they remind him of Adam, like carrying around a piece of him, which he knows is just plain ridiculous because Adam didn't mean any such thing by it, would never do anything that stupidly sentimental, but there you go.

"Kris," Allison interrupts his thoughts with a solemn tone. "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to marry Adam. We're soul-mates. I mean, look at this," she says, showing him a glittery pink something, "we both own the pink wannabe ultra shimmering eyeshadow. Is that just a coincidence? I don't think so."

Adam is cracking up. Kris has a feeling that this is going to be a long day.

~

Kris is behind the bar while James takes his break, but he can't tune out Adam and Allison's conversation, he can't keep his eyes away from their booth. It's incredibly annoying. It's not like he has ever been interested in the topic, make up is just something other people do that Kris vaguely enjoys. He can't really understand how they can talk about it for hours. Is it really that important? Would it have changed anything if Adam wasn't wearing any make up the night they met? Kris doesn't think so. But then again, he does like how Adam's eyes look deeper with the eyeliner, especially when they've gone all heavy lidded. Either way, he tells himself, he doesn't really care.

Allison has a date tonight, that's what all the make up is for. Also the slutty dress. Can't forget the slutty dress. James comes to relieve Kris and he joins Adam and Allison reluctantly. They seem to be almost done, but Kris had thought they were done half an hour ago too, so he can't really be sure.

"What I want to know is," Adam says, blowing on the brush he is holding. "How exactly do you keep those dresses in place? Voodoo? Fairy dust?"

Allison giggles.

"Seriously, it's against the laws of physics. Ever heard of gravity?"

"Double sided body tape," Allison explains. "No magic necessary." She shows a bit of it by pulling down her dress a little.

Adam looks awed. He touches the tape, making Kris want to cover them both up with a blanket and yell nothing to see here people. "That works? Seriously?"

She nods and shrugs, sticking her dress back to where it should be. She shakes her breasts a little and says, "I can jiggle them all night and this baby is not coming down. Well, not unless someone pulls it down. Which is not likely tonight, all hoping aside."

"Fascinating," Adam says.

"Disturbing," Kris mumbles.

Allison, who knows his limits well by now, laughs at the expression on his face. "Kris hates it when I dress like a slut," she explains.

"I didn't say slut!" Not to her face he hasn't.

"What's wrong with being a slut?" Adam asks.

Kris shrugs helplessly. He doesn't feel old enough to be having this conversation.

~

Adam usually spends his days off at home, vegging out. This time he doesn't feel like it.

The pub opens at 10:30 AM and Adam meets Kris on the doorstep before he can even unlock the door. Kris looks sleepy, like he just rolled out of bed, Adam can practically see the pillow creases on his face. He greets Adam with a mellow smile and a friendly shoulder bump. As Kris prepares the place for the day, Adam lounges in Kris' booth, drinking his morning coffee. He reads the paper, solves half of a crossword puzzle, eats a bagel and just rests. At one point Kris joins him, bringing fresh coffee and a laptop. He checks his emails, tells Adam stories about his mother's inability to turn on the computer at home and his brother's insistence in trying to teach her. He tells Adam about his brother's fiance, Megan, who is a gymnast, his mother's apple pies which she refuses to share the recipe to and his father's cholesterol problem. They talk music for a while; Kris eventually telling him about the dream he gave up on, his voice small, almost blushing. From there they move to the topic of movies, carefully steering clear of the idea of seeing one together, then just people-watch for a long time.

It's like a bubble, this pub. Adam feels kind of free inside. It's ironic, because he has worked for years, all through his early twenties, on being free as he is outside this pub. When he goes to work, when he goes to an audition, when he goes to a club, when he rides a bus; he is free because he is exactly who he is. He is Adam Lambert and he doesn't give a shit what people think about him. He is unashamed and unapologetic. He is free as a gay man can be in this city.

Something happened along the way though, something he still doesn't understand, and apparently being the free gay man turned into yet another mold people expect him to fit into. And this thing with Kris, this place he hangs out at instead of going out with his friends, turned into a new way of freedom for him. Kris doesn't want him to be anything more than just Adam, not yet anyway, and Adam can't make himself pull away from this before he absolutely has to.

Kris goes into the kitchen to help when the lunch crowd hits, and comes back with their lunches once they dissipate. Adam has been playing scrabble online. He shows Kris his score. Kris looks suitably impressed.

"Why don't you just hire someone? It does say manager on your name tag."

Kris looks down at his name tag stupidly. "That's what Christie says." Christie is the owner. Adam met her a couple weeks ago. "But we don't really need one more full time employee, and part time doesn't cut it, because we need help two or three times a day most days. So you know, what I need is a half of a full time employee, which is kind of hard to find."

Adam nods. "No one wants to leave half of themselves at home everyday."

Kris grins. "Exactly. And it'd be just awkward. I mean which half do I hire?"

Adam grins back. They eat in silence until an old lady comes in. Adam has vague memories of seeing her there before.

"That's Galina," Kris says. "She comes in for lunch every day. She used to come with her husband, but I think he died last year. I don't think she has any kids. Allison hangs out with her when she's in. She is teaching her Russian, but it's very slow going. I think she's learned 10 words or something so far."

The lady looks to be around 80 and is wearing clothes of a whole different era. Those clothes are probably older than Adam. He wonders what else is hiding in her closet; that would be a fascinating thing to see. Adam watches Kris go over and talk to her for a minute. He takes her order and pats her hand before he leaves. The kind of boy to take home to your parents, Adam thinks. It is so mind-boggling. He never thought he'd ever like a guy like him.

Allison comes in during the lull before the rush hour. She twitters around the place like a butterfly, chatting with James, singing, dancing and generally acting like a two year old.

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"What, is too?" Adam asks finally.

"Isn't cork a weird word?" Allison asks, hands on her waist, outraged, like it's a personal insult to her to suggest that it's not.

James shakes his head. "It's a perfectly normal word."

Adam considers it. "It is sort of weird. Cork! Like a sound effect."

"Thank you!" Allison says.

"But you know, it's not the weirdest. I mean there's alacrity which I think sounds like someone sneezing."

Allison laughs. Kris comes back from the bathroom just in time for Allison to catch him and ask for his favorite weird word.

"Biscuit. But I kind of like it too. Sounds like something cute. Like a puppy."

"I like wonky," Adam says.

"For a puppy?"

Kris looks horrified on behalf of the puppy. Adam cracks up. "No, I mean as a word. It sounds so wonky. You know."

It's interesting to watch them work when the after work crowd hits the pub. It's all so fast, all half-words and meaningless gestures, but they always seem to know what the other is saying. Kris knows to hand Allison a towel when she snaps her fingers at him, but Adam watches in amazement how he gives her a bottle opener the next time she does the same thing. They seem to have developed a kind of telepathy. A very boring kind of telepathy, mind you, but still amazing. They work like a machine, well oiled and all that, and in a couple of hours they end up serving what Adam thinks is about a million people. When it's all been and done, there's not much to show for it, just the tired lines on Kris' face and the beer stains on Allison's apron.

Adam has been making playlists on the iPod they have attached to the sound system and when Allison slumps down on the stool next to his and asks him to play something nice for her, he picks a song from his relaxation playlist. It's all soft and slow songs, mostly jazz, and soon the opening notes of Dream a Little Dream of Me fill the room. Allison makes a face at him.

"Awwww. Now I wanna dance. But I'm so tired." She kicks off her shoes and wriggles her bare feet.

"Come on," Adam says standing up. "You can dance. Come on."

Adam pulls her up and they start swaying to the music, singing the words softly. Allison lets out a whoop when he deftly twirls her away and pulls her back. Her bare feet slide on the floor and they laugh as they hit each other a little harder than intended. Allison tries to dip Adam and almost drops him. Then Adam tries to show her some foxtrot moves which results in Allison soon giving up altogether, moaning about her poor feet. Adam stands there hands on hips, looking at Kris with a raised brow. Kris shakes his head no. So Adam turns to James, who makes a gesture that says oh hell no. Adam pouts at them. He was just getting started.

"You're probably better off not dancing with that one," Allison says in a mock-whisper, pointing to James. "If you like your feet that is."

James of course, rises to the bait instantly. "Oh, I can so dance."

Allison gives him an oh really look.

Adam stands aside to watch the inevitable fight; the Allison and James show is always interesting, if somewhat juvenile. To Adam's disappointment though, the expected bloodshed and/or tears doesn't come this time. James stops giving Allison the evil eye, jumps on the bar and starts doing the moonwalk. There's a second of absolute silence, then Allison falls off her stool laughing, Adam scrambles to change the song to a Michael Jackson one and Kris loudly exclaims that for God's sake, they serve food there.

Allison manages to get some pictures as possible future blackmail material, and James ends up disinfecting the whole bar.

Adam has probably never spent a more bizarre day in his adult life. Everything in the pub looks so muted when compared to his work place; where his everyday life is boisterous and flashy, Kris' is modest and unpretentious. Yet Adam can't say Kris is missing much, because his friends, his coworkers, his customers, they are all kind of quietly awesome.

Before he knows it, he has spent more than 12 hours with Kris, and it's time to head home. It doesn't occur to him until his head hits the pillow that for the first time since they met, he and Kris spent time together but didn't think to have sex.

~

Kris doesn't even think about Adam's absence the first two days, but by the time the third day comes to an end, he starts to panic. He knows it is stupid, Adam never tells him when he'll be back, they very carefully don't plan these things, and yes, maybe he's been stopping by every two days for some time now, but it doesn't mean anything that he didn't this time.

Allison keeps giving him looks, but Kris won't let her say a word on it. He is not a 12 year old girl, no matter what she thinks.

He opens the pub on the fourth day certain that Adam will come. By lunch hour, he finds himself reciting Adam's number in his head. He is not going to call though. He is not. Because nothing is casual in this casual relationship of theirs and he thinks it would probably mean something for Adam if he called. He has a feeling Adam doesn't want him to be saying whatever it is that phone call would be saying.

"Do you want me to call him?" Allison asks that night.

Kris has to force his mouth to shape the word no. "He probably has a life outside the pub, you know," he adds in what he hopes is an aloof tone.

Allison rolls his eyes at him. She knows him too well.

~

The no-sex day (as his subconscious keeps calling it) throws Adam for a loop. He takes a couple of days off the bubble of the pub, and spends time with his much neglected friends. They rag on him about his absence, making up ridiculous stories about the things he might be doing away from them. He tells them he's been moonlighting as an escort. Jon claims that he knew it had to have something to do with sex.

During the five day exile, Adam becomes obsessed with his phone, checking every five minutes to see if Kris has called. Of course Kris doesn't call. Adam knew he wouldn't. Adam has been very careful laying out the unspoken boundaries of this thing between them, with small touches and words here and there, and Kris would never overstep anyone's boundaries no matter how ridiculous he thinks they might be. Adam doesn't let himself examine what it means that he is waiting (hoping) for Kris to break the rules when he was so adamant himself in setting them.

Eventually, Adam breaks.

The smile that greets him makes him feel better instantly. Kris has a lot of smiles, not that Adam keeps track of them. He just likes it when Kris' eyes get all scrunched up. This is one of those smiles. Kris looks happy today. He is showing off with the bottles while pouring shots, teaching James how to juggle with the lemons. Adam really wants to hug him.

Seeing Allison in the corner, sitting with a guitar in her lap reminds him that it's Thursday. An involuntary shiver runs through him. His rehearsals run late on Thursdays. He never did catch Kris and Allison singing. He has been waiting for it.

"Hey, stranger," Allison greets him, strumming a few chords.

"Hey. You're gonna play tonight?"

Allison pouts. "I'm not that good with the guitar. I've been waiting forever for Kris. Busy night."

"Come on, sing me something then."

Allison starts playing something, concentrating hard on her hands, biting her lip. It's a soft melody Adam doesn't recognize, but it's good, soothing. She starts singing, drive out to see you, been a long time, and he realizes that she actually has a good voice. This song isn't really her style, she should sing louder, bigger things, but he can understand why she would go with a quiet song at the moment. As it is, they have gathered a bit of an audience even with this, so she gets a round of applause when she's done. Her laughter chimes, and delighted at the attention, she stands up to bow.

"That was really good," Adam says. "I like your voice."

"Thank you!" He loves the way she grins so wide, without reserve.

"What's the song called?"

Allison's grin turns into a smirk as she turns to look over to the bar. "It's a Kris Allen original actually. Wipe It Away." She shrugs. "I like it, and it's one of the few I know how to play."

Now Adam wishes he had listened more carefully. He can't very well ask her to sing it again.

"I didn't teach you that song so you can scare people away with it." Kris sits next to her, taking the guitar from her hands. He thrums idly, very carefully not looking at Adam. He is really, seriously shy. Adam finds it adorable.

"It's a cool song. Not her style I would bet, but it's good. You should sing it."

"I'm not singing, Allison is," Kris says with a faint blush and turns to Allison. "Come on, I don't even like this song and I learned it for you." He starts playing a familiar tune that Adam can't quite place.

Allison starts singing and of course Adam was right, the louder she gets the better she sounds. It's a No Doubt song and Allison makes it sound more rock and less reggae which Adam almost likes better than the original. He can't stop himself from taking mental notes as he listens; how he would instruct her to use her voice, what he would need to teach her. Not that he is going to teach her anything, it's just instinct for him.

While his mind is occupied with Allison's education, his eyes keep moving to Kris. He looks different like this. Adam is not a stranger to musicians, but it's still jarring to see Kris go through that transformation. This is his natural habitat, Adam can tell, he is more comfortable playing his guitar than doing anything else.

Kris, not surprisingly, is not much of a performer. He tries to blend into the background. Allison on the other hand is engaging what small audience she has, singing for them and loving every second of it. She finishes the song with a flourish and goes to get them a celebratory round of drinks. Adam thinks she's probably going towards the bar for the guy in the red shirt leaning against it and leering at her, but so long as Kris isn't getting his panties in a twist over it, he doesn't really mind.

When she comes back (surreptitiously showing him the guy's number on a napkin and getting a small not-very-high five) she downs two shots and tells them all about the disastrous date she went on the other night. She is adorable when she is tipsy, even more so now that she is high on the singing and the praise. From there she moves on to the topic of her ex-boyfriend, which Adam notices makes Kris' mouth go tight.

Kris starts slowly singing I Will Survive, tapping a teasing rhythm on the body of his guitar. "Come on," he taunts her. "You know you want to. Just get it out of your system."

Allison shakes her head. Adam can tell that it's an old argument. "Come on. Come on," Kris insists. She hides her face in his neck.

"But then I spent so many nights, just thinking how you've done me wrong, I grew strong, I learned how to get along," Kris sings slowly, teasingly, and Adam can't help himself, he joins in.

Adam loves that song, because really, who doesn't, and when Allison finally gives up and starts singing with them, it turns into one of the most enjoyable singing experiences of his life. The pub is not packed, but all customers are clapping along with them now. Kris stops singing after a while, because Adam and Allison's voices drown him out anyway, but he keeps playing, smiling his scrunchy-eyed smile and looking at Adam, which Adam has to admit just might be one of the reasons he starts showing off at some point. By the end of the song Allison is standing on a chair and swaying slightly. Adam has to coax her down with more alcohol.

"You," Allison says, pointing an accusing finger at him, "have the voice of a fucking angel on speed!"

The last customer leaves around 2:00 AM and James closes the pub at 3:00; but Allison refuses to leave, even though her eyes have mostly been closed for the last hour. She has been laughing and crying in turns, Kris watching her with worried eyes. Adam sings Strong Enough for her, deciding to go with the theme, and it's a big hit with her; she keeps trying to sing it in between hiccups.

"I want to dance," she announces, her head lolling on Kris' shoulder. "'Cause I'm strong enough and I quit crying long enough!" Adam doubts she can get up, let alone move. "Kris," she whines, "I wanna dance. Dance with me."

"Then can we go? Home? Sleep?"

"Okay," she agrees, and Adam mutters a thank fuck to Kris as he goes over to the iPod.

He picks the first slow dance song he finds. Unforgettable starts playing, Nat King Cole's voice breaking the quiet of the night. The pub is decorated mostly in brown tones, the dark wooden furniture giving it an old-fashioned air, and with the lights down low it feels like they are in an old movie. The place seems magical.

He turns around to find Kris trying to wake Allison up, who is slumped on the table, finally, blissfully asleep. Kris looks at him and giggles. "Finally," he whispers.

Adam thinks it's a shame that she won't get to dance to this song, because Jesus fuck, it's a good song. They can't let this song go to waste. He grabs Kris' hand as he tries to make his way to the back. He is not getting out of this one.

"What?" Kris asks, taken aback.

"Dancing," Adam explains, pulling him closer and placing Kris' hands on his waist.

"But--"

"Ssshhh, not talking. Dancing."

Kris looks wide awake now, two parts scared, one part excited, but Adam refuses to be sober enough to analyze this. He is in his bubble right now, where things are muted and safe, and his voice of reason is somewhere outside the bubble, too far away to hear. Adam sings the words lazily, moving slowly to the beat, his body pressed against Kris'. They didn't have sex tonight either, he realizes. Why they are not having sex Adam has no idea. Sex with Kris is a fabulous thing. They should do it as often as they can.

Dancing with Kris is also a fabulous thing. After a brief awkward phase, Kris snuggles close to him, burying his face in his shoulder and letting Adam bear his weight. Adam likes that. He likes hugging Kris, he likes how small he is, how he can envelop him in his arms and keep him safe. Not that there's anything to keep him safe from (except for Adam himself maybe), but it's the thought that counts. His arms are itching to pick Kris up and carry him to the back. Kris would probably take exception to that if he tried. Adam feels Kris' reserve toward him. He trusts Adam plenty, just not that much, and with good reason. Adam is kind of scared of pushing him too hard, but maybe he should do it. Maybe he should just let it all go and not think at all when he is with Kris, because trying to rein things in is just not working for them. The lines he drew keep blurring and he has to remind himself again and again why he drew them in the first place. Maybe, he thinks, he should just go for it full strength and watch it all go down in a blaze of glory. Because it will eventually. It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when.

Too soon, the song comes to an end. Kris pulls his weight back a little, getting ready to move away and Adam can't let him yet. "Kris."

Kris looks up, his eyes drowsy. Adam thinks it's not a good sign that his heart hurts every time he sees Kris' face these day. It's a sign of things getting out of hand. He can't worry about it now though, so he stoops down and licks Kris' lips, kissing him long and slow and wet, Kris' body soft and malleable in his arms. They've shared a lot of kisses before; in fact Kris is probably one of the few people Adam has kissed this many times in his life. But this kiss, he thinks, is possibly the most memorable they've shared.

He hopes to forget it come morning, but knows he won't.

~

"Kris, right?"

Kris looks up at the guy standing next to his booth. He seems kind of familiar, but Kris can't for the life of him remember how he knows him. Before he can come up with a polite way to ask, the guy slides into the booth, placing his cup of coffee on the table between them.

"What exactly have you done to my brother, Kris?" He is smiling, so he's probably not going to beat Kris up for some imagined crime, but Kris also has to consider the possibility of him being a sociopath, in which case the smile wouldn't really mean a lot.

"Who--Uhm. What?"

"Neil Lambert," the guy says, extending his hand over the table.

Leila's picture flashes across Kris' mind just as what Neil says clicks.

"Is something wrong with Adam?"

"I don't know," Neil says, leaning back casually. "Maybe something is right with him. It's hard to tell."

Kris has no idea what the guy is talking about. The Lambert family, he decides, is weird.

"Something has changed, that's for sure." Neil is studying him curiously, like the answers he is looking for are written on Kris' person somewhere. Kris fights the urge to wipe his face.

"He was fine, last I saw him."

"And that was when?"

"Two days ago, I think. Monday?"

"Hmm."

Kris finds the stare disconcerting. He has no idea what Adam might have said to Neil about him. He feels like defending himself, but he can't really understand the accusation.

"He's been hanging out with you a lot, huh?"

Kris shrugs. "He likes the pub, I think."

Neil smirks at that.

Kris wonders what's so funny.

"I don't think it's the pub," Neil finally says.

Kris hates being rude. He usually prefers to stay silent when the only alternative is conflict. He is just not that guy. So he doesn't ask Neil what the hell he means or what he is hoping to accomplish here; he just stares.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I'm annoying you."

At least he is quick. "Yes, I'm afraid you are."

"I was the one who gave Adam your address."

"Come again?"

"You met Mom, right? So she told me about this guy she met, she described you, and you know, Adam hooks up with a lot of guys, but you kind of stand out among that crowd, so I told him where to find you."

Kris blinks. "Okay."

"Thing is, I'm curious by nature, okay? And I've been pretty worried about him these last couple of years. I tried talking to him about you, but of course he shut me out. He's been kind of mysterious lately. Doesn't hang out with his friends as much as he used to, doesn't tell me a thing. So I came here. Thought maybe I'd catch him here, or talk to you if I didn't."

Kris blinks at him some more. "Okay. So?"

Neil rolls his eyes. "So, are you guys dating or what?"

"No!" Kris looks around instinctively, checking that Adam isn't behind him or anything. "We're not dating."

Neil frowns at him. "It's been what? Two months? He still doesn't call it dating?"

"No one calls it dating!" Kris objects. "I don't call it dating."

"Seriously? This isn't good." Neil crosses his arms over his chest and shakes his head.

"Look, I don't know what you think you're doing--"

Neil leans forward. "Okay, here's what I'm doing. I'm trying to get that asshole to act like a human being before his heart freezes over, okay? He's had some problems, I get that, it's not easy growing up as the fag, I was there with him for most of it, I get it. But he has to get over that shit. He is strong, he is superman, he has proved it. Enough already."

After a drought of it, Kris finds all this information about Adam captivating to say the least. But it's also making him panic a little bit, because Adam so sincerely doesn't want him to know these things. There's a reason Adam never introduced him to Neil or any of his friends. Kris thinks he should respect that.

"I didn't keep track of him for a while there," Neil continues. "I mean his life was so different, so out there, I didn't understand it for the most part. I'm sure he has good reasons for being the way he is, I'm not saying he's doing it for kicks, but I think he kind of got stuck somewhere. He doesn't have to protect himself quite so resolutely anymore, you know? He can let a couple people in. I'm pretty sure the world wouldn't end."

Kris wants to tell Neil he's right, Adam certainly doesn't need any protection from him, but apparently his loyalty for Adam extends a lot further than he thought it did.

"I think you should let him make up his own mind."

Neil takes that in for a second. "You're interesting," he says at last.

Kris thinks there couldn't be a person less interesting than him. But Adam must find him at least a little interesting to hang around, and Neil is his brother, so who knows, maybe it's genetic or something.

"No, really. You're not the type to put up with his shit for long, I can tell. Yet you're willing to let him just make up his own mind."

"There's no point in pressuring him."

"Sometimes you have to fight for the things you want."

"Sometimes you end up in the same place, whether you fight or not."

Neil considers that. "Do you think he'll see it in time, or is this you giving up?"

Kris doesn't know how to answer that. He hopes. He thinks there's an expiration date on this non-relationship they have, but still, he hopes.

"I think he'll do what he feels is right. And I can't ask for anything else."

~

It's around 10:00 PM on a Friday night and Adam goes straight to the pub from work. He had to wash glitter out of his hair, so it's still a bit wet, but it's been a busy and tiring week and he couldn't wait long enough for it to dry before he threw himself out the door. The pub is crowded when he enters; it takes him a while to get James' attention. Where's Kris? he mouths and James points him to the back.

It's not like Kris to be in the office when the pub is this busy. He doesn't really use that room for anything other than sex these days, which is a fact Adam knows Kris hates. He feels irresponsible for having sex in his work place, but as much as Adam wants him to be comfortable, he doesn't want to take this thing they have to a whole new level by bringing apartments into it. It feels complicated enough already. (Though he did ask Kris if he would consider buying a bed for the office, and got his ear bitten in response. He is taking that as a maybe.)

The office is dark when he enters, and a muffled groan comes from the couch when he hits the lights.

Kris is lying on the couch, face buried in a cushion. Adam turns the overhead lights back off and turns on the desk lamp instead. The softer light paints the room a warm honey color. He crouches down in front of Kris and turns his head around gently, brushing his sweaty hair back. "It's okay. Come on. What's wrong?"

Kris opens his eyes a sliver; they are red rimmed and bloodshot. "I'm--" he tries to talk, but a cough interrupts him. Adam doesn't get sick a lot himself, but that sounds bad. He pulls Kris up a bit, squeezing in between him and the couch, putting an arm around him. "I'm okay," Kris whispers against his shoulder once the coughing stops.

"Yeah, you sound okay."

Kris just mmmm's at him.

"What the hell happened to you?"

"I stayed up all night with Allison. She had a fever."

"Is she at home?"

Kris shakes his head no. "I called her mom. She picked her up. Had to come to work."

Adam can't help but grin. Of course he had to come to work. Mr. Responsible. "I don't think you're in any condition work tonight sweetheart."

Kris headbutts his shoulder softly. "Don't call me sweetheart. And don't tell me I can't work. I can too work."

"I can see how well you're working."

"Shut up. I'm taking a break."

"What do you say you take something for this and sleep it off? I'll help James."

Kris grins at him weakly. His mouth goes lopsided and his eyes close completely. Adam takes a mental picture and adds it to his list. "What do you know about bar tending?"

"I know how to make a Cherry Hooker."

Kris chuckles, coughing a little. "No, you don't."

"Sure I do. You mix the red thing with orange juice and shake it. It's easy."

They stay like that for a while, Kris drowsing and Adam petting him for lack of a better thing to do. The door cracks open some time later, and James' head peeks in. "Adam, Laura's here. Just give me the keys and you can take him home," he whispers.

Adam can't very well say, no, we don't do apartments. He does as James says. He gives the keys to James, asks for the address and heaves Kris up between protests.

"Come on, sweetheart. I need you to walk for a minute."

"Don't call me that."

"Okay," Adam says, huffing a bit from the weight. It would have been easier for him to just pick him up and carry him, but he knows Kris would hate that. "I'll call you biscuit, then. You kind of look like a sleepy puppy anyway."

Kris doesn't object to that one. Adam doesn't know if that means he likes it or has just lost consciousness.

~

Kris wakes up drenched in sweat. The sun is just rising outside, the room is still mostly dark, it's too early to get up yet, but his head feels much better and he thinks he may feel almost alive if he takes a shower now. He walks to the bathroom, stumbling a bit on the way, and manages to take a hot shower without falling down and cracking his head open. Leaving last night's clothes on the bathroom floor, he wraps a towel around his waist, and burrows himself back under the messy covers.

The second time Kris wakes up, his chest and head feel almost normal. He can feel the sun on his face, so he turns his head before opening his eyes. He has to blink a couple of times once he opens them, because he thinks he might very well be hallucinating. Adam is in his bed. Sleeping. Kris has no idea why, or how, but he seems real enough.

Kris moves a little closer, taking it all in. Smeared black make up, hair all over the place, face smushed against the pillow; it's Adam Lambert as Kris has never seen him before. Adam snuffles a little and Kris realizes that his hand has moved without his consent and is stroking Adam's hair. He lets himself enjoy that for a moment. Adam doesn't wake up, just turns his head to nuzzle his hand. Something inside Kris snaps.

Pulling himself up on his elbows, he lets himself kiss Adam like he's never kissed him before. Like he doesn't remember ever kissing anyone before. This is different for him. Whether Adam gets it or not, Kris means something else entirely with this kiss. Something unfurls in his chest and a warmth covers his whole body from inside out. He wants Adam. He wants him in his life and in his bed. He wants him to meet his mother. He wants him to call him from work to bitch about the drama queens. He wants him.

Adam smiles into the kiss without opening his eyes. He grabs Kris around the waist and pulls him on top of him. Their lips move apart.

"You feeling okay?"

Adam's hands moving across his back makes Kris shiver. "Never better."

Adam grins at him. He looks so happy, it almost makes Kris let go of some of his fears. Surely Adam couldn't be this happy with him and still refuse to continue what they have? Whatever else Adam is, he is not fake. He was always genuine with Kris. He can't start doubting that now. Kris leans down to kiss his nose, his lips and then says "I want you to fuck me."

Adam's eyes grow wide, like he is scandalized by the suggestion. Kris is pretty sure Adam has fucked more guys in more bathrooms than Kris has had sex ever, yet he still looks at Kris like he has grown another head. They've never talked about this. Kris never felt comfortable enough to bring it up, and Adam just acted like it didn't matter. But it does matter. Kris has been thinking about it for a while now. He wants to do it. (He wants to do it with Adam.)

Adam doesn't ask him if he is sure, just looks into Kris' eyes until he sees whatever it is he is looking for, then rolls them over and kisses Kris until they can't breathe anymore.

They start slow, then get frantic, and it's anguish and torture and ecstasy all rolled into one, and even though he thought he was done falling some time ago, that morning, in that bed, Kris falls a little bit more in love with Adam.

~

After the morning they spent in bed together, Adam fucks Kris everywhere he can think of. He waits for it to get old, but it doesn't. It's not like he's never fucked guys before. Even the virgin thing isn't new for him. He's done it all, and has the reputation to prove it. But this is different, as everything seems to be with Kris.

Adam doesn't go back to Kris' apartment, in fact he avoids the issue altogether, and Kris doesn't mention it. Adam is both grateful for and annoyed about that. Kris wants him there, he knows that, yet he isn't asking. Someone should teach Kris how to ask for the things he wants. He shouldn't be so meek and accepting, or people will walk all over him. That's how life works. Adam learned that early on and made sure to be loud and clear about what he does and doesn't want.

(It's one of the reasons why Adam believes he and Kris wouldn't work long term. Not that he considers the possibility, but hypothetically. He thinks he'd be too domineering and Kris would be too accepting and it would end up being a very unhealthy relationship.)

To Adam's annoyance, Neil starts showing up at the pub at some point. He bumps fists with Kris, chats with James, flirts with Allison, like it isn't odd that he's there, like he's always been a part of the gang. (Adam can't believe he just called them a fucking gang.) As if it wasn't enough that he has invaded Adam's home, he is now in his bubble, stealing his peace. He asks if Neil doesn't have any friends of his own, but Neil says Adam's are prettier. Of course they are, Adam knew that already.

Adam finds himself touching Kris more and more now, his hands settling on him whenever he is in touching distance, and he has to keep watching that, always be on his toes. He doesn't want to give Kris ideas, not that he thinks Kris would do anything with them if he did, but it's the principle of the thing. It is a guilty pleasure though, when he lets himself. He tries new places to touch, pacing it, savoring it, watching Kris' reaction, filing away the things that make him blush oh so prettily. So far his favorite is the back of his ear; that made Kris blush all the way down to his chest. The next on his list is the inside of his elbow; Adam can just imagine how soft his skin would be there, how Kris would shiver at his touch. It's definitely something to look forward to.

~

It's a Saturday morning and everyone Kris loves having around these days is at the pub. He is sitting at his booth, reading the paper, Adam is sitting next to him, eating a piece of cheesecake. Just the fact that Adam is eating dessert is enough to make Kris happy, but today life is generous; it doesn't stop there. One of Adam's hands is on his thigh underneath the table, not doing anything to make him blush, just resting there, making him feel warm all over. Someone has turned the volume of the music up, Nat King Cole is singing L-O-V-E through their old and beaten speakers, and Neil and Allison are dancing between the tables; Neil twirling Allison so fast her feet are leaving the ground, her laughter rising above the music. Kris thinks if his life was peaceful before, it is downright cheerful now. He doesn't think he's ever had this kind of joy around him while away from his family.

His head leans against Adam's shoulder and Adam moves a bit closer to better accommodate him, letting their bodies fit together like puzzle pieces. Kris has just enough time to sigh in contentment before Adam stiffens behind him, probably realizing where they are and what they are doing. He pulls back abruptly, leaving Kris cold and embarrassed where he sits. Kris cringes inside. He forgot for a minute that they didn't do that.

And his perfect moment is gone, just like that.

It's a tense five minutes next, and by the time Allison asks Adam something and he moves to the bar to talk to her, Kris' good mood has evaporated. He feels dirty, like he's done something wrong somehow. He may not be an expert, but he is sure this is not how it is supposed to go. Maybe this is not a relationship, but it's also not exactly casual now, is it? Adam's hang-ups make no sense to him, Kris gets dizzy trying to keep up with the ever changing boundaries of this thing, he is not sure if he'll be able to keep doing it for long. He has never been one to enjoy holding hands, but now that he can't, he wants to. He is in love and he literally wants to scream it from the rooftops. (He probably wouldn't, given the chance, but still the feeling is there.) It's not fair that he has to watch his tongue, his hands, his stance all the time lest they cross some invisible line.

He knows he is working himself into a state, but he can't help it. He's been repressing this for a long time, it was bound to come out at some point. He is angry at Adam, but he knows he has no right; he knew from the start what Adam didn't want this to be, it's not Adam's fault that he chose to hope instead of facing reality. It's his fault. He is the one with the problem here. He is the one who needs to get over it.

~

Getting over it is easier said than done. Everyone knows that something is wrong with Kris, and Kris hates that they do. He doesn't want them to feel sorry for him, he doesn't want their pity or help, but he's never been able to pretend all that well. He gets withdrawn and quiet when he is upset, it's a pretty big tell, so inevitably people notice and start to tiptoe around him.

Adam is not one of those people. He has been very carefully acting like nothing is wrong. Now he is a good actor. Kris knows the cheerfulness is just a facade, but he doesn't really think anyone else would notice; Adam seems to have perfected it. The sex takes a turn for the wild; they are rougher with each other, it's fast and furious, sometimes even a bit painful, but it seems appropriate. Kris feels as if he is picking at an itchy wound; he can't let it go until it hurts a little, bleeds just a tiny bit.

It is time to give up. Adam isn't going to change his mind, and Kris isn't going to be any less in love with him anytime soon, or any more okay with the way Adam wants things to stay. Kris knows it's time. He just can't make himself say it out loud.

~

"The thing is, I don't know if I like him like him, or maybe just want to like him, you know? Like maybe I don't feel like being alone right now and I'm latching on him for that. You know?"

Kris sees Adam nod his head, like what Allison just said makes perfect sense to him. Kris has no idea what it means, really.

"So which one should I wear? There's the red dress, which I love, but is kind of, you know. And there's the black skirt and pink top, which is like, safer, more middle ground. I wouldn't wear that for a second date normally, but I thought maybe I shouldn't encourage him too much. It feels like I'm saying something I don't mean with the red dress. What do you think?"

She actually has pictures of both outfits on her phone. Adam takes the phone to get a better look.

After careful consideration, "I think you should go with the red dress," he says.

Allison breathes out and slumps a little. "Really? Are you sure? I mean isn't this like kind of lying? The dress says I'm into him like woah, but I don't know if I am, really."

"You need to learn not to over-think things. You're having fun, he's having fun. That's the whole point."

Allison makes a face. "Girls don't get to be all fun-loving about these things, Adam. You have too much fun, you're a slut. That's the way it works."

Adam shrugs. "Then let them call you a slut. As long as you have the power, it doesn't matter what they say. You just have to know what you want and go for it. You'll be happier for it, trust me."

Kris tightens his jaw and keeps his mouth shut. Really, what kind of advice is that to give to a young girl like Allison?

"I get the fuck'em and leave'em thing, I do. It'd probably make me feel better for a while, but in the end it's a cop out, isn't it? It'll be like he won. I mean, it'll be like giving up. Just because he broke my heart, I'm not gonna stop looking for an actual relationship, you know?"

Adam scoffs. "I don't know why anyone needs an actual relationship."

Allison shoots a quick look to Kris, but Kris is way ahead of her. He is very busy with the wine glasses. They desperately needed rearranging.

"Because no one wants to be lonely?" Allison offers, her voice hesitant.

"I haven't had a relationship in ten years and I'm never lonely."

Allison now looks downright panicked. She shoots another look to Kris, trying to meet his eyes. Kris gives up on the glasses and throws his towel somewhere under the bar. He needs air.

~

Adam debates going after Kris for a second. What is he going to say, really? Sorry you thought I was someone else? Sorry I said what we both knew was the truth? There's no way for that conversation to go anyplace good, that's what he knows. Before he can decide, though, Allison gives him a punch in the arm and pushes him towards the back door.

"For fuck's sake, Adam!"

So that's how Adam finds himself standing in the alley behind the pub, with Kris sitting on an overturned box, hands clasped between his knees, head hanging low.

"You know I don't do boyfriends."

Kris chuckles and looks up, his eyes sad but determined. Adam feels self-conscious where he's standing, not sure where to put his hands, where to look. He hates the fact that Kris unsettles him so much. Kris may look unassuming and easy-going, but Adam knows him well enough by now to know his values and principles and how he let Adam trample over most of them these last few months. Adam knew deep inside that when they finally clashed, it would be impressive.

When Kris speaks, it's slow and careful. "I'm not an expert on the subject, but I don't think this is how casual works. You know all my friends, you hang out with me all the time, you're not sleeping with anyone else, I'm not sleeping with anyone else, I don't see how this means what you say it means."

Adam crosses his arms over his chest. Really? Kris suddenly knows everything now? "Who said I'm not sleeping with anyone else?" Because Adam surely never promised any such thing.

Kris' eyes go wide and his eyebrows shoot up. He looks shocked. "Oh."

Adam waits for him to go off. But of course, in typical Kris style, he doesn't. He just chuckles and looks away. "Well, I didn't know that. I guess it is casual then."

Adam nods. Damn right it is. Kris gets up and wipes his palms on his jeans. "James is still out. I should go back."

Adam nods again. His heart is beating triple time. He has no idea where this leaves them.

"I'm sure you have things to do. You seem to have a busy schedule," Kris says with a self-deprecating smile. "I'll see you later."

He is gone before Adam can open his mouth.

~

Allison apologizes. Again and again and again, until he can't take it anymore.

"Stop saying you're sorry! You didn't do anything wrong!"

Allison sits cross legged on the couch and buries her face in a cushion, screaming her frustration into it. Kris pets her hair. When she faces him again, her eyes are bright with tears.

"Are you guys going to break up?"

Yes, Kris thinks, they are. Very soon in fact. "Technically we can't break up because we were never together to begin with."

Allison looks like someone told her Santa isn't real. "I love you. You know that, right?" She hugs him tightly and snuggles close, pulling the old blanket they have on the couch over them both.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Stop saying you're sorry."

~

That night Adam goes to a new club with friends from work. It's not like he has anything better to do. He can't face Kris again so soon after that talk, and it has been a while since he went dancing anyway. He loves dancing. Not everyone can live the life of a hermit like Kris does.

They have a couple rounds of drinks and the guys make fun of him for having a wife as they call it. He flips them off and downs his drink to make his way to the dance floor. He doesn't have a wife. He is free. He has always been free.

He dances until he can't hear the music or the people around him, just the beat going through his body. His blood pumps in sync with it. He finds a pair of brown eyes looking at him appreciatively when he opens his eyes. He raises an eyebrow at the guy. He is hot; toned body, tight t-shirt, skin glimmering with sweat. He is just what the doctor ordered. He comes over but they don't talk, they just dance. Adam knows this. He remembers why he chose this in the first place. This is where he belongs.

The guy puts his hands on Adam's back, slipping them under his t-shirt and kisses his way up his collarbone, his neck. Adam feels an excitement he'd almost forgotten about. He likes sex like this. He loves the thrill of it, the freedom of it. He lets the guy push them towards a dark corner, getting more handsy now, sucking on his neck like his life depends on it. Adam would have pushed him away and downwards normally, but tonight he feels so exhilarated and alive, he doesn't have the will to care. Let him suck whatever he wants.

"Mmmmm," the guy moans against his neck and pulls back to look Adam over smugly. "Gorgeous," he says, his voice sounds wrong and annoying. Adam likes them on their knees and mute most of the time. The guy puts his hands on Adam's waist and says "You know, if you lost a little weight, you'd be perfect."

Adam freezes for a moment, his mind trying to digest what the guy just said. It feels like someone has thrown a bucket of cold water over him. He pulls his hands back before he knows what he is doing and pushes the guy away to walk, just go, get out of there. He hears the guy yell after him (I didn't say you were fat!), he sees Jon motion him over to the table, but he can't stop. The place is suffocating him.

The night air is cold on his heated skin and it makes him shiver as he waits for a cab. He tries to make himself calm down, breathe normally, but that turns out to be an unexpectedly complicated task. When he finally gets a cab, he gives the driver the address and fumbles with his phone, the damn thing is too fucking small.

'i dont know what im doing' he texts Neil.

Neil's answer says 'never thought you did'.

~

Adam wakes up at noon the next day. He takes a shower, throws on some clothes, runs a hand through his hair and is out the door before he can change his mind.

He sees Kris the moment he enters the pub. He is serving the Russian lady a steaming plate of something, and she is smiling back at him affectionately. This is what he fucking wants? Really? Adam has no idea how he ended up here at this point in his life. It's unbelievable. He waits for Kris to notice him. When he does, Kris motions for Adam to wait for a second and goes to tell James something. Then he points Adam to the booth.

Adam has an apology at the tip of his tongue, but he doesn't know how to get it out or what the apology is really for. He is nervous, his lips feel dry, his heart feels too big for his chest. Across him, Kris looks too calm. That makes Adam even more nervous.

Kris opens his mouth, but then his eyes go to Adam's neck and he shuts it without saying anything. His mouth curves into a small smile. It's not a very nice one.

"We can't do this anymore."

Adam has been picturing this moment for weeks now, but he had never thought Kris would just come out and say it like this. Kris has always let Adam make the moves until now, so Adam assumed the ending would go like that too. Kris would push him to make a decision, maybe give him an ultimatum, and Adam would make it. But apparently he had underestimated Kris.

"Casual relationships are supposed to be fun from what I hear," Kris says. "This isn't fun anymore. There's no point dragging it out."

Adam has to say something or he knows he'll regret it later. He'll play the conversation over and over in his head and come up with things he could have said. Adam hates regrets. "We can find some middle ground."

Kris' eyes go soft. That's a no, Adam can tell. "I can't. I'm just not-- Look, we're in different places right now. I understand that you're not like me, but--" He licks his lips and looks away. "I want to introduce you to my mom, and I haven't even told my parents I like guys yet." He shrugs. "That's where I am."

Adam feels numb. He doesn't think anyone has ever wanted to introduce him to their mother before. He's also never been dumped before. This is a day of firsts for him.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," Kris says apologetically. It is just like him to dump someone and then apologize for it. "I just-- I want you to know. You do know, right?"

He is looking into Adam's eyes searchingly and whatever he finds there seems to satisfy him. "Okay." He nods and gets up. Adam can feel something tearing inside him as Kris walks past the booth. Kris stops a step away from him and turns around.

"You should call Allison. She is blaming herself for this. I wouldn't want you guys to stop being friends because of me."

And that is that.

~

Adam has been sleeping for a long, long time. He can't say exactly how long, he hasn't been checking the time, and the curtains are closed, but it feels like his whole body is swollen now. The sheets smell like sweat and someone should open a window to air the place out, but Adam isn't in the mood for airing anything. He feels bloated and ugly and sick. He is in the mood for sleeping.

Someone opens his bedroom door, which he didn't realize was closed, and he hears soft footsteps muffled by the carpet. Next thing he knows Neil is throwing himself onto the bed and making it rock like a boat.

Adam doesn't say anything. With Neil, protest has always been futile. He will do as he pleases. And as much as he bitches and moans, Adam loves him kind of a lot. Neil might have been an annoying little kid and he might have grown into an even more annoying man, but Adam has always loved Neil more than anyone else in the world. From that first memory he has of licking the drips off Neil's ice cream cone when his little brother was too small to keep up with the melting, there has been no escape.

Neil pulls the comforter down a little to reveal Adam's whole face and goes woah when he sees it. Adam sure hopes he is exaggerating. Neil pushes him back a little bit, pulling the pillow towards himself and putting his head down on it. They used to do that when they were little; get in the same bed after their parents had tucked them in so that they could share a pillow and have whispering conversations. Adam misses the simplicity of being a kid.

"Allison called," Neil says.

Adam knows what that means.

"You okay?"

"No," Adam says. Not that Neil doesn't see it himself, but after so long talking to himself in his head, he feels the need to talk out loud.

"Kris isn't..."

"Don't." Adam can't really talk about Kris right now.

"Okay," Neil says, for once in his life just agreeing with something Adam says without a fight, and settles down deeper into the bed.

They stay like that for a long time. And if Adam cries a little bit, they choose not to acknowledge it.

~

Allison gives him a shocked look when he shows up at the door with bottles in both hands. He has been vocally against them drinking at home from the beginning. They work at a pub, spend all their time around alcohol, Kris just figured it'd be a good idea to have a place away from it. But tonight, he needs to get drunk somewhere where he can comfortably pass out.

They start with the tequila. It's not a full bottle, but it'll be enough. Kris has a surprisingly low tolerance for alcohol for someone who practically lives in a pub. Allison slices them a couple of lemons and brings out the salt. They get comfortable on the floor, spreading out the old blanket from the couch and putting the TV on mute. Kris drinks one shot after another; he has a goal, it's not like he is trying to savor the experience or anything.

Allison brings him his guitar after a while, making him take it by stepping on his foot and threatening to sit on him. When he finally takes it in his hands, warm and familiar, he suddenly feels less lonely, because even with Allison snug against him, there is an ice cold feeling in his heart that makes him feel like he is all alone, drifting in the middle of an ocean. He strums meaningless tunes as Allison keeps handing him shots.

"There's a protocol, you know," Allison informs him. She is drunk. Kris, on the other hand, is blindingly drunk. There's a difference. "To, you know, get over the break up or whatever. There are steps."

Kris can feel his eyebrows climbing up and up and up, he thinks they are probably one with his hair now. He didn't know about the steps. It kind of makes sense. He should do that. A 12 step program to get over Adam is just what he needs.

"First you need to examine why it happened. But we know that already. Adam is a jerk, that's why it happened."

That's not entirely accurate, but Kris thinks it's close enough.

"Then you acknowledge the pain. Cry a little bit."

"I'm not gonna cry," Kris scoffs.

"Sing then. Or look morose. I don't know. Do whatever it is you do when you feel like crying. And then you get to the hate phase."

"I don't hate him."

"Kris. Cooperate!" She throws a lemon wedge at his head. "Aren't you angry? You should be angry!"

Kris is angry alright. He is fuming. Looking back now, he can't believe he let any of it happen. He disregarded his own judgment. For the first time in his life he let his dick lead him. He turned his pub into a cheap club bathroom. It's all tainted now. No matter how hard he tries though, in his mind he can't quite associate Adam with that feeling. He knows it was Adam who brought all that into his life, yet he still can't blame him.

"That's your angry face? Really?" Allison's incredulous voice draws him out of his thoughts.

He offers her a smile. It's futile really. He can't be angry at Adam.

"Dude, you suck at this."

He knows he does.

"You know what I hate about this?" Allison asks.

"What?"

"He is a good guy. I can't, like, talk shit about him."

Kris sighs. "Yeah. That sucks."

"Yeah," Allison says, scooting down to rest her head on his shoulder.

"It's odd." Kris thinks he'll probably regret this conversation in the morning, but he can't stop the words from coming out of his mouth. Allison is a cunning little girl. She brought Adam up at just the right time. Kris has just the right amount of alcohol in his bloodstream to spill his guts right now.

"What is odd?"

Oh, yeah, he was saying something, wasn't he?

"It's odd that Adam is so perfect."

"He is not perfect," Allison disagrees vehemently. "If he was perfect, he wouldn't be a dick."

Kris can't really disagree with that. But that's not what he meant. He sits up to face Allison, making her head fall down. "Sorry. No, I mean, if I had, like, dreamt myself up a boyfriend or whatever, I couldn't have come up with him. I mean I couldn't have imagined. I didn't know." He didn't mean to sound that pathetic. It sounds worse when he says it out loud.

"Oh, yeah, I see," Allison says nodding, then she shakes her head. "That's not good."

"No, no," Kris agrees. "It's really not."

"Wish you'd never met him?" Allison asks softly after a minute.

That's a loaded question. Kris honestly doesn't know yet. He shakes his head. "I don't know. It's just, now that it's over, he doesn't even seem real. I mean, he is hot and he is cute and he is funny and he sings! Did you hear him sing?"

"Yeah. That motherfucker!" Allison sounds jealous. "His voice goes up and down and up and up and fucking sideways. Who does that? Seriously."

Kris nods. "I know."

"It's a shame he's emotionally retarded," Allison adds.

But that's not it, really. Adam was never cold or indifferent when he was with Kris. When they were alone, everything was almost perfect. "It's more like relationship challenged, I think."

Allison sighs. "We fail at the badmouthing thing."

"Oh," Kris remembers. That was the point, wasn't it? "Sorry," he says sheepishly.

"It's okay. You're just too nice."

Kris lets his head rest on the couch. "I wanted to kiss him today. I really, really did."

"Then you should have. One last kiss or whatever."

Kris shakes his head, his brain wobbles. "I couldn't. He had a hickey."

"What?"

"Yesterday, he said he was seeing other people. And today he came to talk to me, and he had a hickey. On his neck. I just couldn't make myself--"

"Jesus, he's a jerk. I love him and all, but he is a big, huge, stupendous jerk."

"Yeah. That's the problem, right there." Kris sighs.

"The love part or the jerk part?" Allison asks.

Kris considers it. "Either. Both."

"Fate is a bitch," Allison states with feeling.

"Yeah."

Allison stands up, swaying a little as she does. "You know what we should do?"

"Drink some more?" Kris takes a guess, craning his neck to look up at her. Alcohol coma sounds good to him.

"No. We should sing."

That's actually not a bad idea. Kris makes a move to get his abandoned guitar, but the ground moves under his feet and he finds himself on his back on the floor.

Allison's head moves into his field of vision. "Can you sing from there?"

He probably can. He nods.

"Okay, then," Allison says, and sits down with the guitar to play one of the five songs she knows the chords to.

~

Neil comes to the pub the next day. Kris is busy with a rowdy group at the other side of the bar, so he doesn't notice him until James jabs an elbow to his side. When he does, he has to swallow his heart back down. It's ridiculous really, they don't even look alike.

"Hey," Kris greets him. "What are you doing here?"

"I can't come to visit you guys now?" he asks, smiling.

Kris rolls his eyes. "Really. What?"

Neil's face gets serious. It doesn't do that very often, so Kris takes notice. "You look like shit."

"Thank you." He is not in the mood to have a heart to heart. He is not in the mood for anything really. He tries to move away, let James handle Neil, but Neil grabs his hand before he can turn away.

"Hey. Hey. Kris."

Kris looks at him. He is so very tired, he has a room full of people waiting for their drinks and Neil is the last person he wants to talk to right now. Well, second to last probably. But when he looks up to tell him this, something in Neil's face stops him. He remembers that Neil was the one who brought Adam to him in the first place. Neil was the one who worried about Adam enough to check up on him. Neil was the one who rooted for them before there even was a them. Neil is probably also the one who will take care of Adam now. He couldn't really begrudge him a conversation now, could he?

"Yeah?"

"I'm really sorry."

If it was anyone else saying this, Kris would have mentally rolled his eyes. But he knows what Neil means. He is sorry too.

"Yeah," he nods at him.

"Have a drink with me."

Kris pulls two glasses out and brings out the best bourbon in the house. This occasion calls for the good stuff. He salutes Neil with his glass and they drink, slowly and quietly. When they are done Neil gets up and shrugs on his jacket.

Kris offers him his hand. "Don't be a stranger," he says.

Neil shakes his hand firmly and smiles at him. "Oh, it's not that easy to get rid of me. Take care, Kris."

"Yeah, you too." Kris lets go of his hand, but grabs it again at the last second. Neil looks at him in askance. "Just. Take care of him."

He nods. "You know I will."

Kris nods back and lets him go.

~

A week goes by, and then two, and Kris only notices that Allison has thrown out the list they had on the fridge when she puts up a new one. This one says WHAT KRIS SHOULD DO INSTEAD OF MOPING. She has already written a couple of suggestions.

Decide to move to an undisclosed location, so Adam has to catch him at the airport and declare his undying love for him. (MIGHT HAPPEN!)

Go out and fuck someone else. (MIGHT HELP!)

Go to Hawaii and meet cute guys. (TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!)

Kris carefully considers each suggestion and writes one thing underneath.

MOVE ON

~

Neil is not a big fan of musical theater, but knows a lot more about it than most die hard fans. He's been watching Adam sing and act since they were little kids and Adam was dressing up as Dracula to give him private little horror shows in his room. Now Adam's stage is much bigger, and though his enthusiasm seems lacking sometimes, the spirit is still the same. Some people are simply meant to do certain things and Neil thinks Adam was built for this.

Neil gets up and makes his way towards the backstage before the aisles get crowded with people trying to make their way out; he is a pro at this by now. He finds Adam talking to a fairy with light blue wings, (probably a friend of his but Neil can't see the fairy's face with all the make up) and swallows back all the jokes that try to climb out of his mouth. Sometimes Adam makes it too easy. "You were awesome, you fucker!" the fairy says, sounding very un-fairy-like and gives Adam a punch on the shoulder. People walk around in odd costumes, with wings coming out of unexpected places, and there's a rush of excitement around him that Neil recognizes from every other production of Adam's he has been to. People hugging and congratulating and flowers pouring in. He didn't bring a flower himself. It's not his style.

He hears Adam beg off a celebratory dinner claiming a prior engagement which Neil knows is a lie. The fairy insists, whining about Adam ditching them for weeks now, but before he can reply, Adam sees Neil and, with his alibi ready, he sends the fairy packing.

"Hey," Neil says, grinning. "That was fun." He presents Adam with a lollipop which Adam grabs triumphantly. It's a tradition for Neil to bring lollipops instead of flowers. It started with Adam's first play. Neil was outraged when their mother said she was going to get Adam a bouquet of flowers. Neil didn't know what a bouquet was, but it didn't sound like something Adam would want. He decided that flowers were girly and Adam would appreciate a snack after singing for hours. So he went with a lollipop. He still thinks it's a good choice. Candy or dessert, always trumps flowers in his book.

"Yeah. The harness chafes a bit, but I got to fly! How cool was that!" He rips off the wrapper of the lollipop. "Mmmm. Cherry."

Neil is not going to say anything about Adam putting things in his mouth. He is not.

"Mom wanted us to go over for dinner, but I said you'd be busy. You wanna go get a drink, or what?"

He waits for Adam to answer but Adam's gaze is fixed on something behind Neil; he doesn't look like he even heard him. Neil turns his head to look, but there's nothing there; just more people in costumes. He follows Adam's gaze to Meredith, he has met her before, she and Adam have worked in other shows together as well. She had a small role in this one, some kind of witch maybe? To tell the truth, aside from Adam's parts, Neil blanked most of it out, so he couldn't be sure. She is hugging a blond woman, who picks her up and twirls her for a second before putting her back on the ground and giving her a kiss. On the lips. Girlfriend, then. Neil didn't know she was gay.

There's a bunch of roses at their feet, they must have dropped them while hugging, and Meredith kneels down to pick them up, looking flushed and happy. Neil looks back at Adam, taking in the sad face, knowing exactly what he is thinking. That could have been him and Kris right now. His brother truly is a pathetic idiot.

"Okay, come on," Neil says, pulling Adam by the arm. "Let's get some air."

He takes Adam up to the roof. He'd seen people smoking up there the last time he came to pick Adam up. It is probably the only quiet place they could find in or around the building right now. The roof has a rusty door, possibly in violation of some fire code, and a good view of the city, lights in every color blinking up at them from all around. The air is kind of chilly, but it's probably better for Adam to be awake and on his toes for this talk anyway. Neil stops near the ledge, and grabs Adam by the shoulders.

"Call him."

Adam doesn't even pretend to misunderstand. He just shakes his head.

"Stop being an idiot, will you? You're miserable, Adam. You actually lost weight."

"I've been trying to lose weight."

"Yeah, and failing, since you were fifteen!"

Adam looks away.

"He is going to get over you, Adam. He is going to find a nice girl eventually, settle down, have kids and forget you. Is that what you want?"

Adam shrugs, but his mouth is a thin line and his eyes look suspiciously bright in the blinking red light of the sign on top of the building.

"Okay, let's make this easier, shall we? What do you want?"

Adam looks at him warily. "What?"

"It's a simple question. Forget about all the details, all the bullshit. What do you want?"

Adam looks like someone kicked him in the balls. Neil raises an eyebrow in challenge.

"Adam Lambert gets what he wants," he says with a coercing tone. "Come on! You don't apologize, you don't do regrets, you just get what you want. Isn't that how it works?"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm giving you another perspective."

Adam starts pacing, his black coat swirling behind him. "This isn't just about me," he says.

"I think it is. You need to think about what you want, plain and simple, and then find a way to get it."

"I can't just get it if he doesn't want the same things," Adam says, voice slightly higher, his feet moving even faster now.

"Kris would have accepted just about anything if you hadn't trampled all over his heart."

Adam flinches at his words.

Neil's voice softens. "It's not too late. He's not seeing anyone."

Adam's head snaps up. "You go to the pub?"

"Of course I go to the pub. What kind of an asshole do you think I am?"

"Oh. I just. I didn't think." He looks away again, biting his lip.

Really, Neil can't believe Adam is going through this thing 15 years too late.

"Are they okay?"

They. Right. "He is okay." Adam opens his mouth, but closes it again without a sound. Neil knows the next question. "He's upset, but he's not crying his eyes out or anything. He will start dating at some point, Adam. You have to make up your mind."

He waits for Adam to reply, but Adam just presses his hands to his eyes and stops pacing. Neil decides there's probably not much else he can do here anyway; he should go, let Adam think things through.

"I'm taking off," he says, giving Adam's shoulder a squeeze. "You should think about it. You know where to find me if you want to talk."

~

Allison lets out a yelp when he unthinkingly puts a hand on her waist. She is right at the door of the pub, lights on and everything, but it's LA, so he's not surprised that her hand goes straight to her pepper spray.

"Hey, hey, it's me."

"Adam?" She whips around to find Adam standing a step away, just out of kicking range. Despite her size, she is a feisty fighter. "Hey," she says, taking in the clothes. "What are you supposed to be?"

Adam looks down; he's forgotten about the costume. "Oh," he says, hand going to the back of his head. "I had a show tonight. Forgot to change, sorry."

She smiles at him. "Very cool. Angel of Death meets Batman meets a lot of glitter. I like it."

Adam ruffles his hair, making glitter rain down on the pavement. He looks down at it sheepishly. "No wonder people kept giving me looks."

Allison smiles, but then her face turns serious. "Are you here to talk to Kris?"

Adam swallows against the lump in his throat and nods.

"Don't break his heart again," she says, sounding a lot older and more serious than he's ever heard her sound before.

Adam nods again, head bowed down.

"He's at home," Allison says after a minute.

Adam nods mechanically and turns to cross the street.

"Adam?"

He turns back around only to stagger under her weight as she throws herself in his arms. She sniffles against his neck and he hugs her tightly.

"I missed you," she says.

"Yeah. Me, too. I'm sorry."

"No apologies necessary," she says, waving his words away. "Just fix it. Please."

Adam nods. "I'll try."

She pulls herself together, placing her purse back on her shoulder. "Just do me a favor. If it doesn't work out-- Just send me a text, okay? I don't want him to be alone."

Adam finds himself smiling. Such a mother hen, this little one. "Okay," he says. He wouldn't want Kris to be alone either.

~

Adam rings the doorbell, feeling more nervous than he's ever felt in his life before, and he's been to his fair share of auditions. When he goes to an audition though, he almost always knows that he can and will blow everyone's socks off. Even if he doesn't get the part, it is never because he doesn't know what he is doing. Right here, on Kris' doorstep, Adam has no idea what he is doing. He doesn't even know if he is capable of the things he wants to offer Kris. He is jumping in with his eyes closed and maybe even hands tied behind his back, and hoping Kris will catch him before he hits the pavement.

The door opens and Adam's heart stops. It literally stops for a second and then starts beating so fast, Adam doesn't think he'll be able to hear anything but that thumping sound. Kris looks good; tired and shocked, his mouth is slightly open and he has bags under his eyes, but he is still breathtaking. Adam finds himself smiling at the thought, because Kris is wearing blue jeans and a plaid shirt, and Adam can't believe how his tastes have changed.

"Hi," he offers; his voice sounds raspy to his ears.

There's a pause, then "Hey," Kris replies in a small voice.

"Can I come in?"

Kris lets the door open all the way, letting Adam inside, his boots making squeaky sounds on the floor. The door of the apartment opens directly into the living room, Adam remembers that. He considers stepping further inside for a minute, sitting on the couch maybe, but then decides not to. In front of the door is fine. It'll be easier if Kris feels like throwing him out.

"I wanted to talk to you," he says, carefully watching Kris' every move for clues as he closes the door and turns to face him.

Kris makes a gesture for him to go ahead.

"Tonight I was walking around and thinking-- I mean I've been thinking for a long time, but tonight Neil said to think simple, and I did, and he asked me a question, he said what do you want and it's-- it's simple, really."

Kris looks confused and Adam can't really blame him. He can't make the words make sense. There's a voice in his head that keeps saying you're too late, he's not going to say yes, you broke it and now you can't fix it, and it's drowning out his brain, he can't even think. That annoying voice has been a constant companion since Kris broke things off with him, and usually it's manageable; but now that Kris is just a step away, it's making him sweat and stumble over words and feel like the world will end if he can't make Kris understand. Because after all, Kris may be standing in front of him right now, but if he screws this up, if Kris says enough already, then Adam will have to leave and maybe never see him again, and looking at Kris' face all vulnerable and dazed, Adam can't resist the urge to reach for him.

His hands cup Kris' cheeks, and his lips find Kris' lips, and Adam breathes into his mouth. Kris doesn't resist, but he doesn't kiss back either, he just stands there pliant and numb, like a rag doll. Adam kisses him again and again, telling himself this one will be the last, but going back for more every time. He didn't know it was possible to miss something this much.

Adam wishes they didn't have to talk, ever. It's all so perfect when they don't talk.

He makes himself stop, pulling back a little to rest his lips against Kris' for a second and catch his breath, but then he sees the look in Kris' eyes, the devastation and the sadness, and shuts his eyes tight to kiss him again. He will say no, the voice in his head whispers, and Adam feels something reach inside him and crush his heart. Of course he will say no. Why would he say yes?

He lets go as abruptly as he started kissing him. "I'm sorry," he says, breathless. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--"

Kris licks his lips. "What are you doing?"

"I want to talk. I swear. I just--" He rubs a hand over his face and squares his shoulders. "I can do dating. I can do holding hands, meeting the parents, picking out china patterns, whatever. I can do them."

Kris looks into his eyes and shakes his head sadly. "There's a difference between I can and I want to," he says.

Adam nods, and starts pacing. That's where it gets tough, isn't it? He doesn't know how to make Kris understand what he thinks, what he feels, when they are so different on the inside. "It's not that I don't want to," he says, picking his words carefully. "It's just that I don't know if I do. I don't know how to do any of those things. It was never an issue, I never met anyone like you, I never had to try."

He looks at Kris to see if he understands what Adam is trying to say, but Kris still looks kind of broken.

"But I'll try. Kris," he insists. "I will try. I'll do whatever it takes."

Kris is still shaking his head. "I can't go through this again. You can't try to be something you're not."

"Kris, come on. You know me--"

"That's just it," Kris interrupts him. "I do know you. If I'm serious with someone, I can't have them fucking other people and then coming back to fuck me like I'm some cheap trick!"

"Oh. That." Adam feels himself flush. He doesn't know how to explain that one. "That's not how it was."

Kris crosses his arms over his chest, face stubborn. "How was it then?"

"I never-- I didn't." He swallows back his heart. He isn't used to talking about these things. He doesn't like being this honest; it makes him feel vulnerable, and even though he thinks he shouldn't mind being vulnerable with Kris, his mind automatically rejects the idea. "I didn't sleep with anyone else. Not since we first-- I didn't."

"You-- What?" Kris looks stumped. That's obviously not what he expected to hear. "You told me you did. You specifically told me--"

"I said I never said I wasn't sleeping with anyone else. That's what I said," Adam mumbles. He is not proud of that.

"And that hickey? What was that? Were you trying to put me in my place? Is that it? God!"

Now Kris sounds pissed. Adam thinks he has managed to do the impossible.

"You know that's not it!" he pleads.

"Do I? Really?" He looks at Adam like Adam is a stranger he doesn't particularly like. "I don't even know you."

Adam is scared to even defend himself, because really, that was not his finest moment. "I felt cornered. I was lashing out. It's not an excuse, but--"

"No. No, it's not." Kris sits down on the old chair by the door, looking spent all of a sudden.

"Kris, it's a mess. I know it is. If I had thought for one second, I would never have said any of that. But I didn't know, okay?"

Kris takes a deep, weary breath. "You didn't know what?"

Adam crouches in front of him, placing his hands gingerly on Kris' knees. It's better when they touch. He feels grounded.

"It feels like a gut punch, when I think about you with someone else."

Kris looks like he just took a gut punch himself. Then he shakes his head, like he is trying to clear cobwebs. "People get jealous, Adam. Maybe you never did before, but that doesn't mean--"

"No. Look. I admit that I am a little unclear on the details. All I can do with that is to promise to try. But I know some things. I know I don't have to try to be faithful to you. I know that when I close my eyes and think of us still together 7 years from now, it doesn't really freak me out."

Kris looks like he has stopped breathing. Adam braces himself. It's all or nothing now. He cups Kris' face in his hands and says, "You love me. That's what you were saying that day, right? You love me." Kris' lips part, and Adam has no idea if he is about to say yes or no, but either way he can't let him talk right now. "And I love you," he says, before he can chicken out. Kris looks stunned. Adam smiles at the incredulity in his face. "What? I can say it. I love you. I do. That doesn't change, whether we're together or not, dating or casual or fuck buddies, it doesn't matter. I love you."

Kris slumps down like a puppet, like someone just cut his strings. Adam can sympathize. He feels pretty done in himself.

Adam lets his arms do what they've been itching to do and envelope Kris in a hug, shuddering a little at that familiar feeling of hot breath against his skin after so long. Kris buries his face in Adam's neck.

"Why 7 years?" he mumbles.

Adam shrugs. "Just something Allison said."

Kris' hand tightens on Adam's arm. He pulls back to look him in the eye. "I swear to God, Adam, if you make me break up with you again--" And Adam has to pull him into a kiss, because that's a yes, that's a fucking yes if he's ever heard one. It's not a very good kiss because Adam is grinning too hard and Kris is frantic with urgency, but it's real, and it's happening, and Adam loves every second of it.

"That's a yes, right?" Adam asks when they part to breathe.

Kris grins at him. "I didn't hear a question."

Adam gives him a raised eyebrow. Oh really? If Kris wants a question, he'll get a question. Adam gets down on one knee in front him, watching Kris crack up, his heart so light at the sight, he feels like he is floating. He clears his throat. "Kris, would you do me the honor of going out with me?"

Kris doubles over laughing.

Adam prods him on the arm. "I'm waiting."

Kris nods, unable to talk from giggling. Adam hauls him up into a tight hug; Kris' feet leave the ground.

"Put me down," Kris says, giving him a stern look. Adam loves Kris' stern looks; they are ridiculous. He puts Kris down back on his feet and Kris swats his head. Glitter sprinkles down. Kris looks down at his chest. His plaid shirt is now all sparkly.

"It looks fabulous on you."

"I hate you," he says to Adam petulantly.

Adam grins. "No, you don't."

Kris grins back.

~

Allison sneaks in at dawn. Taking in the clothes strewn about, she cheers quietly. She tiptoes to the kitchen to get a glass of water before bed, but stops before she can open the fridge door. There's a new piece of paper on it that says WHY ALLISON SHOULD STOP MAKING LISTS ABOUT KRIS'S LOVE LIFE.

Because I will kick your ass if you don't.

Love, Adam.

The End

June 25th 2009