House of Cards

sequel to (every heart is) like a house on fire

They've been going too fast.

But Adam was the one who dove headfirst into Kris Allen's life and refused to come up for air. All Kris did was let him.

So this is really not an excuse.

~

Adam doesn't mean to do it.

He is just taking a breather from the tame, domestic life he somehow found himself in. Kris always tells him that he doesn't have to be the responsible semi-parent every hour of every day, that he can let go and enjoy himself whenever he feels like it, but it feels to Adam like maybe this is Kris' way of giving him an out, and Adam doesn't want an out. He is invested in this relationship, has been from the very beginning, and he is sure. On the other hand, walking around his club completely sober every night does grow weary at times, and the dancing helps only so much. So one night when Sam is at Katy's and Kris has a late shift, Adam goes ahead and takes Kris' advice.

He lets himself remember how freeing it is to get completely fucked up, without a care in the world. No one relies on him being sober that night; he can get as drunk as he wants in the comfort of his own club. So he works his way down the naughty cocktail list Allison has on the board—a Screaming Orgasm, followed by a Strawberry Stripper, followed by a Buttery Nipple, and a Sex on the Beach, and an Absolut Sex and—Adam loses count of how many real ones he had before Allison starts making shit up and bringing him Cocksuckers and Dirty Blowjobs. What Adam does know is, by the time the guy shows up, he is completely wasted.

Adam doesn't think anything of it when the blond man in the red shirt comes up to his booth at the balcony and starts talking to him about—something. Adam doesn't listen, he is not interested in anything anyone might say, but then the man puts his hand on Adam's dick, and that gets his attention.

It feels familiar, the pressure, and the warmth seeping through the fabric of his jeans. Adam used to do this a lot. In his experience, strangers give the best hand-jobs—it's always so thrilling and exciting and liberating. His muscles relax, and he leans his head back and shuts his eyes, letting the room spin, and his blood pump in his ears, and the music wash over him. Seeing his acceptance, the guy works his hand in. He knows what he is doing with it; his fingers are sure and strong and talented. He makes Adam come in minutes.

When Adam opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is Allison, her red hair shining like a beacon. She stands frozen on the stairs with a tray in her hand, staring at him with wide-open, horrified eyes. Adam’s mouth attempts a smile, but then he remembers.

Adam doesn't know what happens to the guy after that or how he finds himself in the bathroom. But suddenly he is standing there, under the harsh fluorescent lights, and the face looking back at him from the mirror is telling him that yes, he did just do that.

He douses himself in cold water, shakes his head to clear his mind, but sobering up changes nothing. In minutes, he made a mess of everything—things he’s been working so hard to keep for months, things he waited his whole life to get. One mistake and it’s all in shambles. And there is no way to take it back.

~

He decides to tell Kris, because he just can't stomach not doing it. He tells himself not to contemplate what comes after the talk, whatever comes he’ll face it, but he sees himself leaving Kris’ apartment for the last time in his mind, and can’t bring himself to go there to tell him. He asks Kris to come over to the club instead. It would have been wrong to bring something so crude into the apartment anyway. Not only for the memories they have there, but also because it should be Kris’ safe haven after this, it shouldn’t be tainted, shouldn’t remind him of what Adam has done.

It’s a problem Adam has always had, not listening to his own better judgment, so even though he knows he shouldn’t, he finds himself thinking about what he will do afterwards. Give Kris time, that’s for sure, but will he just give up after that? Maybe he should, because he obviously doesn’t deserve what Kris has offered him freely, yet he knows he won’t. He will apologize, he will beg and plead. He will send flowers and chocolates by the truckload. He will make a nuisance of himself until Kris either hits him or takes him back. He won’t be able to live with himself if he doesn’t try.

When Kris arrives, smelling of sweat and bitter coffee, Adam finds himself stealing a kiss first, committing every minute detail of it to memory, because he knows he may never get to do it again, then he puts some distance between them—not that it would do him any good when the man has a gun—and tells him.

Kris almost smiles. "Is this a joke?"

Adam shakes his head.

Kris stares at him, searching his eyes for an explanation that isn't there. He looks confused and taken aback; Adam hates that look, hates that he was the one to put it there and hates that he can't fix it now. Kris turns around to face the door in a jerky, uncertain move, taking a couple of aimless steps toward it; then he stops and puts a hand over his eyes—a familiar gesture of tiredness.

"Why?"

Adam licks his lips nervously. "I don't... it's not a reason or an excuse, but... I was drunk out of my mind. I didn't know what I was doing."

Kris turns back around slowly with a sad smile. "You couldn't have been that drunk if you could still get it up."

Adam doesn't have anything to say to that. He clears his throat. "I used to do that. Before. Get drunk and hook up with random guys. Maybe it’s not admirable, but it was harmless. And last night, I... I forgot. I got drunk, and it felt familiar, like I was back in those days, and I forgot that things changed."

"You mean you forgot about me." Kris chuckles. "Wow. That's flattering."

They stand there, avoiding each other’s gaze, neither knowing what to do or say. It's Kris that finally breaks the silence.

"What do you want me to do?" he asks.

Adam wants to talk. Forgive me, he wants to say. Forgive me please please forgive me. But he finds that he can’t make himself. Seeing Kris with his tired smile and creased clothes, coming to Adam for respite from a day filled with killers and rapists, Adam realizes that he doesn’t have the audacity to ask for forgiveness when he doesn’t deserve it—he doesn’t deserve Kris. So he clamps his mouth shut and keeps his eyes fixed on the floor.

Kris sighs. "I need to think," he says, nodding at nothing, and turns around to leave. He pauses at the door, like maybe he wants to say something more, but then opens it and steps out.

The door closes behind him with a soft click.

~

Kris tries to leave, he does, but his feet don't obey him. His heart is beating like crazy and his chest grows tighter with every step he takes. He finds himself stopping halfway down the corridor and then walking back, but when he is back in front of the ridiculous purple door, he can’t make himself open it. It wasn’t any easier to breathe in there. His lungs were burning; it felt like he was breathing fire. So he stays where he is, leans against the wall and tries to take in deep, calming breaths.

This was not what he was expecting when he came here tonight.

A part of him always thought there was a chance that Adam wouldn't be able to stick it out. Kris kept telling himself that it would be okay if he couldn't, that they could try casually dating instead, which he thinks is what this thing between them should have been from the start. He told Adam many times that they could pull it back, tone it down, in whatever degree Adam needed.

Adam was very enthusiastic about Kris from the very beginning. He fit himself seamlessly into Kris’ life in no time and made it better without once asking Kris to change anything to make room for Adam and his life. He didn’t seem to hesitate at all. He was determined and he made it all look so easy. But it couldn’t have been. If Adam burned out now, so soon, it was Kris’ fault as much as his, because Kris knew that their relationship wasn’t healthy and he didn’t do anything to make Adam pause for a minute and see that; he just took everything Adam offered and basked in the love and care he kept showering Kris with.

Knowing all this, seeing the reasons and the mistakes, should make this easier on Kris now, but it doesn’t. The timing of it is just so damning, because Adam's persistence seems to have done its job. Now Kris knows he can’t do casual with Adam anymore. He can try and pretend, but it would be one-sided; for Kris it can be nothing but serious. With bullheaded stubbornness, Adam buried himself so deep inside Kris' life and his heart, he has become a part of Kris' family; Katy likes him, and Sam loves him, and Kris...Kris is crazy about him.

There’s a snake coiled inside his stomach, squirming and squeezing when he thinks about Adam with another guy. Kris has no idea what is there to squeeze, but it hurts in a teasing, torturous way that makes Kris want to scream until everything he is feeling has escaped through his mouth. Right now, with the feelings locked inside, he feels like he wants to kill something with his bare hands, and that is just not a good mood to be in for someone who carries a gun.

He closes his eyes and works on unclenching his fists. Stop and think, he tells himself. Leave the panic aside. He is a detective for God’s sake; he does this all the time. It shouldn’t be this hard for him to step out of the scene and be objective about what happened.

Adam is not a bad guy. He is one of the most honest and decent people Kris has ever met in his life. That's why Adam just told him what he did instead of hiding it—which he could have, easily. And Kris has to put his jealousy and murderous thoughts aside and think about this logically.

Kris knows all about love and promises from his marriage with Katy. He knows that when you promise someone something, even if you mean to follow through on it with all your heart, sometimes it just doesn't work out. And Adam didn't even promise him forever, it was just heavily implied that they would be exclusive, that's all.

They don’t have to be exclusive. Kris doesn’t know how he would handle it, but he could find a way if it’s the only way he gets to keep Adam. In fact, he’d be ready to accept just about anything to keep Adam in his life in some shape or form. He can’t afford to be self-righteous about this. Adam is…important.

Adam is the most unexpected gift life has thrown Kris’ way. Having Adam in his life is like having a bottle of glitter sprinkled all over it; millions of twinkling specks getting in every crevice—impossible to shake off. Adam is everywhere. He tells Sam stories about rainbows that fall in love with princes, his eyes matching Sam’s, all big and innocent, like he believes the tales himself. He gossips with Katy about celebrities, gives her advice on her job and takes her out shopping. He leaves work early to cook for Kris when he thinks Kris has been working too hard, and then leaves to go back to the club once Kris is fed and asleep. He knows what Kris needs at any given time better than Kris knows himself; a hug, a kiss, a hot bath, a rough fuck—Adam has them all covered. It’s not just the love or the affection; it’s how well they fit together, how Adam gets him without a word. It feels like Kris has been mute his whole life and Adam is the first person to actually hear him. It makes Kris want to cry with relief and hold him tight and never let go.

That’s why he can’t. He can’t walk away. He can’t let go. Not for this, not for anything.

A touch on his arm makes him jerk in surprise and open his eyes. Allison is standing in front of him, looking slightly afraid.

“Are you okay?” she asks, and something in the tone of her voice tells Kris that she knows. It’s the same tone he’s heard nurses and social workers use with people who recently lost someone, like they are asking, hoping for the best, but also cringing inside because there is no way the person can possibly be okay.

He musters up a smile for her. “I’m fine.”

She doesn’t look like she believes him, but lets go of his arm anyway. She makes an aborted move to leave, before turning to face him with a determined look.

“I’ve known Adam a long time. I’ve seen him with boyfriends, I’ve seen him dating, I’ve seen him fuck everything with a dick…but it wasn't until he met you that I realized I’ve never seen him be in love. This is—if he screws up, it’s because he doesn’t really know what he's doing. He may look and act like he knows everything, but he's actually pretty clueless about the most ridiculous things.”

She shrugs. “I just thought—you know.”

With a small nod, she turns on her heel and leaves.

Kris stares at the door.

~

The door opens with a creak and Kris steps inside. He sees Adam sitting on the couch, elbows on his knees and his face in his hands, and when he looks up, his eyes are bright and slightly red. Kris’ heart beats helplessly in his chest, like a scared little bird, trapped in a too small cage. Adam looks so lost and desperate, whatever anger there was still lingering in Kris' mind dissipates at the sight. His body wants to close the distance between them, take Adam in his arms and hold him until it is all better—forget who is the wronged party here; Adam looks hurt and devastated, and it doesn't matter that he caused it himself, Kris feels an overwhelming urge to fix it for him.

It takes willpower Kris didn’t know he had to stay where he is and not move toward Adam. Adam blinks a couple of times and sniffs quietly, trying to hide it behind his hand, then he stands up, looking for all the world like he is getting ready for an execution.

Kris thinks he should ask Adam, ‘Do you want to break up?’ first, because maybe, maybe that’s why Adam did this.  But he can’t bring himself, because what if Adam says yes? So instead he starts with a question he thinks he can live with the answer to.

“If you can’t—if you don’t want to be exclusive, we can take a step back.”

And what do you know; it doesn’t even come out as a question after all.

“What?” Adam looks shocked, his mouth gaping open. He shakes his head. “No. No, I don’t—that’s not—” He stares at Kris like he is trying to solve a puzzle. “Does this mean there’s a chance that you'll forgive me?”

Was there ever a chance that he wouldn’t?  That's what Kris would like to know.

Kris chooses his words carefully. “I never should have put you in a position where you had to ask forgiveness for doing something you want.”

Adam doesn’t respond. He keeps staring at Kris, his face frozen in surprise.

“The thing is, you have me,” Kris says with a shrug, hiding his shaking hands in his pockets. “As long as I can live with your terms, I mean. You can—we can date other people, we can change things, we don’t have to—”

In two steps, Adam is standing close enough to touch. “I don’t,” he says.

“You don’t what?”

“I don’t want to date other people. I don’t want to sleep with other guys. That was,” he makes a meaningless gesture, “not me. I never thought about—it was stupid. It was a mistake.”

Kris looks down. Adam’s eyes, so close, so big, so honest—looking into them steals his breath away and makes him want to cling to Adam and beg for him to come home and never leave. So instead he stares down at Adam's chest—much safer. “But it happened for a reason.”

“Yes,” Adam says. “Alcohol. Lots of it. And stupidity. Nothing more.”

Adam touches his arm tentatively, but pulls back when Kris shivers in response.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry I was stupid. I’m sorry I ruined everything. God, I’m so sorry. Kris.”

Kris stumbles forward and grabs handfuls of Adam’s shirt, holding onto him like he’s the only thing keeping him from drowning. Adam’s arms wrap around his waist and Adam buries his face in Kris’ neck, a hiccup escaping his lips at the first touch of skin.

“It’s okay,” Kris says, making himself let go of Adam’s shirt to run a soothing hand up his hair.

Adam chuckles thickly. "Of course it's not okay. I've been sitting here, putting myself in your shoes... and I don't know what I would have done, Kris. I don't know if I could have come back."

Kris thinks if he'd done the macho thing and walked away, he would have ended up back here anyway. Maybe in a week, maybe in a month—but he would have ended up right here in this spot begging for whatever Adam would give him.

Adam pulls back to look at him. He has a couple of tear tracks running down the sides of his face; Kris wonders at how dry his own eyes feel. It must be the terror and the panic, because normally he is the kind of guy who cries watching movies, let alone almost breaking up with the person who may very well be the love of his life.

“I didn’t think you’d come back,” Adam says.

A shaky breath leaves Kris’ lungs and he smiles. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Adam gets a determined look in his eyes, and his hands cup Kris’ face. He looks down at Kris like he is memorizing every detail and then he kisses him, hungrily, as if they haven’t touched in months, as if they didn’t share a kiss only half an hour ago. Kris rises up on his toes to kiss him back just as eagerly. Adam wasn’t the only one who thought this would never happen again.

When he pulls back, Adam rests his forehead against Kris’ and they share each other’s breath. Kris keeps his eyes closed to stay in the moment for as long as he can. He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. He doesn’t want to think.

“I’m going to win back your trust,” Adam says, his voice hard as steel. “You give me a chance and I’ll—”

“You don’t have to win back anything,” Kris says, looking into his eyes to make Adam understand how much that’s not an issue. “I trust you. I know you.”

Adam pulls back a little, his hand falling down to grab Kris’. “So you won’t be wondering who I’m with when I work late? When I come home drunk?”

Kris never had those problems before, he never dated anyone who would be interested in casual hook-ups, but the general idea is the same, isn’t it? Honesty is what matters.

“If you ever do anything, I trust you to tell me. If you ever want someone else… you will tell me.” The ‘won’t you?’ is unspoken, but it’s there. This shouldn’t ever be a question, but Kris can’t stop the slight intonation at the end that makes it sound like one.

Adam looks sad as he leans down to press his lips against Kris’ forehead. “You should know that you’re the only one I want. That I don’t need anyone else. You shouldn’t be waiting for me to tell you anything. That’s what I need to win back.”

Kris doesn’t have anything to say to that. He has doubts. It feels like he will always have doubts. He thinks it’s probably too early in their relationship for them to not have doubts.

“Don’t you ever wonder about me?” he finds himself asking. Because if he is the only one with doubts here, then there’s probably something wrong with him.

Adam looks down at him in confusion. “That you’d cheat on me?” He shakes his head. “Never. I do have…fears? I guess? That maybe you’d want someone more normal. A woman maybe? I can’t compete with a woman.” He shrugs.

Kris smiles. “See, we’re even. Because that’s just stupid.”

Adam smiles back, his fingers caressing the back of Kris’ hand. Kris takes a moment to stare at Adam’s face, the freckles, the laugh lines, the eye-liner…everything he shouldn’t like, things he would have considered flaws before he met Adam, now makes this man unique and lovable and endearing to him, and Kris doesn’t know how anyone could ever compete with this. Woman or man, it doesn’t matter, there would be no comparison. His eyes travel down to Adam’s lips. Kris knows them by heart; shape, size and feel. He has always enjoyed kissing, but he doesn’t remember being so interested in someone’s lips before he met Adam. Not Katy’s certainly, because when he tries to reach into his memory for a picture of them, it’s all very vague. He has a whole catalog of Adam’s though; laughing, smiling, smirking—and wrapped around various parts of Kris’ body.

“I didn’t kiss him,” Adam says, pulling him out of his thoughts. “There’s not enough alcohol in the world—”

Then Kris has to kiss him, because…well.

When they pull out of the kiss this time, Adam is smiling, a genuine smile, not even a little shaky, and Kris considers this fight—their first real fight—officially over. Trying to take a step back proves that they probably have a ways to go yet though.

Adam looks down at their tangled hands still between them, and then looks up at Kris. “This might make work a little difficult for me tonight,” he says, sheepish.

Kris tugs his hand back experimentally, but Adam’s fingers immediately tighten around his.

“I don’t think I’m ready to let go yet,” Adam says with a slight wince. He pulls Kris closer. “I was kind of scared. I’m still a little…”

“Okay,” Kris says easily. It’s not like he minds. He rests his head on Adam’s shoulder and swings their hands absently. “What do you wanna do?”

“Home?”

Kris considers it. “Am I gonna have to drive one handed?”

“Possibly?”

Kris brings Adam’s hand up to his lips to press a kiss on his knuckles. He nods. “Okay then.”

The End

September 22nd, 2009