Stardust of Yesterday

aka the 'kris gets a clue' fic

It's been seven years and three months since the end of American Idol. Three years and two weeks since Kris got a divorce. A year and some days since he last spoke to Adam. But when Adam answers his phone at 3:00 AM, he knows immediately that it's Kris.

Kris doesn't say hello or how have you been. Instead he says:

"Have I always been in love with you?"

Adam pauses, but not because he doesn't recognize the voice or doesn't know the answer; he tries to decide how to go about answering it. In the end, honesty wins out.

"I thought so. But it could have been wishful thinking."

"From the start? Really?"

"Well," Adam says, "maybe not from the start, but pretty soon anyway."

There's a moment's silence.

"You should have told me."

Adam sighs. "No, I really shouldn't have."

Steve pulls the sheets from Adam's lap and mumbles in his sleep. Adam doesn't move to cover the receiver.

"And were you..." Kris says, stopping mid-sentence. "Did you..." It seems he can't finish it. "I'm sorry," he says. "This isn't... I'm really sorry."

And then he hangs up.

~

Kris falls off the face of the earth after that phone call. It's not like he and Adam saw each other regularly before, or that Adam would have called him after, but his absence is everywhere Adam looks. Everyone keeps speculating over where he might be: Is he in Tibet, becoming a monk? Is he in Africa, adopting a baby? Is he dying in a hospital somewhere? Is he already dead?

Adam thinks Kris is probably quietly freaking out somewhere. It's only expected.

He goes on about his life as if nothing has happened, because nothing has. He is used to being hung up on Kris after all these years; it would take a lot more than a phone call to disturb his hard earned balance.

~

When Kris comes back, he comes back with a splash.

When did you first realize you were bisexual?

Just a couple of months ago actually. It's been interesting to say the least.

Were you never interested in men before that? It seems a bit late to be discovering that about yourself.

I guess I must have, but I was married so young and I didn't look around as much as you'd think. Even when I did, it was never serious, never would have amounted to anything, so I didn't dwell on them.

And what made you decide to come out so soon? Is there someone special we will be meeting?

No. No one special. I'm just not one to hide things, and I figured with all the media attention on where I've been these last couple of months, there would be rumors and gossip and a lot of fake sources and articles. The easiest way to fight the lies is to just come out and tell the truth. So that's what I'm doing.

So now the men as well as the women have a shot at you. Does that make you the Most Eligible Bachelor times two?

[laughs] I guess so. Yeah.

~

This time Adam calls Kris.

"Is this a cry for help?"

"Hello, Adam," Kris says, sounding like he is smiling from ear to ear. Adam can see it in his mind, clear as day.

"Hello, Kris, have you lost your mind?"

"No," Kris says, still amused. "I may have just found it."

"You're supposed to hide the fact that you're going through a midlife crisis, not flaunt it."

Kris' voice turns serious. "You know it's not that. This isn't new."

Adam sighs. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Better than fine. My life is finally starting to make sense."

"Well, that's good," Adam says, though he has no idea what the hell Kris means.

There's a silence; they don't really have much to say to each other on the subject. It's a minefield for them; every step more dangerous than the one before.

"How's Steve?" Kris asks finally.

Adam cringes at the fake interest in his voice. "Good. Steve's good."

~

The media refuses to let it go, and Kris doesn't shut up about it.

We know your type in women. What's your type in men?

[grins] I didn't realize I had a type in women! I'm not really one to care about those things. But I would want them to be a good person. Someone genuine and honest. You know? Hmm. What else? [pause] Confidence. Confidence is always a turn on.

~

Adam should know better than to drunk dial. He should, but apparently he doesn't.

"Kris. Do you want to ask me that thing you were going to ask me that time?"

"What thing?" Kris says. "What time?"

"When you called to ask me. You know. I can answer if you want."

Kris stays silent.

"It's okay if you—"

Kris interrupts him. "Were you in love with me from the start?"

"Yes."

There's some more silence. All Adam can hear is his own heavy breathing.

"The real question is," Adam says in drunk wisdom, "am I still?"

Kris doesn't say anything. Adam checks the screen of his phone to see if he hung up. He didn't.

"The answer is yes."

~

Kris calls him back the next day. Adam is still in bed, nursing a hangover.

"Do you remember calling me last night?"

Adam remembers. "Yes."

"Do you want me to forget about it?"

Adam thinks on it for a second. It's a mess, this thing, but it's their mess, and Adam kind of prefers being in this mess with Kris to any sort of order anyone else can offer.

"No," he says.

Kris exhales; relieved or shocked, Adam can't tell.

"I want you to remember it. And I want you to do something about it."

"We live in different cities," Kris says logically. "And you have a boyfriend."

"Both true. Are you saying you won't do anything about it?"

"I'm saying let me think."

~

It takes a month, but Kris does something about it.

About your recent move to LA—Kris, I think I remember reading somewhere that you said you could never live in Los Angeles, that it felt like a fishbowl here. What changed?

I did say that. [nods] And it does feel like a fishbowl. But I have my reasons for needing to be here. This is just the right thing to do for me now.

Mysterious. I like that.

~

Kris sounds cheerful when he calls him next.

"So I'm here. It's your move now, I think."

Adam grins. "Where are you?"

"On the way to my new place, which is incidentally five minutes away from yours."

It's been a long time since Adam got to hear that playful tone in Kris' voice. His heart skips a beat when he realizes nothing has really changed. They are the same people they were seven years ago, hopelessly infatuated, in love from afar, but this time not as clueless.

"You should come here then."

Kris pauses. "Isn't Steve there?"

"Steve moved out," Adam informs him casually.

"I...I didn't expect you to do that."

Adam rolls his eyes. "It was my move."

"You were together for two years."

"It wasn't that serious."

"Two years sounds serious to me."

"Okay, let me rephrase that. It wasn't as serious." Because there's two years and then there's seven years, and even though they both suck at math, Adam is pretty sure they can count the difference with their fingers.

"I..."

"Kris?"

"What?"

"Come here."

~

Adam opens the door feeling like he is in a dream. All his senses are muffled and time is stretched out so a second lasts a lifetime. Then he sees Kris on the other side and the sight of him drops Adam back to earth.

Kris looks nervous, fiddling with his shirt, but there's an irrepressible grin on his face, bright and familiar. It's the grin Adam fell in love with—the one he is still very much in love with.

Adam lets out a breath. "Finally."

~

Adam bought new sheets after Steve left. As irrational as it is, it felt right to give the bedroom a new look—nothing to remind him who was there just weeks ago. He doesn't feel guilty over his break up, it was something he had to do, but he would've never forgiven himself if he brought any part of his life with Steve into this.

"This is all kinds of crazy," Kris says, studying their hands, tangled together between them.

Adam smiles at him. "Your point?"

"I would have waited. You didn't have to—"

"Are you saying you weren't jealous? That you would have been okay with me being here with someone else right now?"

Kris puts on a brave face. "I'm saying I could have handled it."

Adam pulls him closer to bury his face in Kris' hair. "Well. Maybe I couldn't have."

~

Last time we spoke, you asked me about my type in men.

You said you didn't really do types.

Yes. Turns out I was wrong. I do have a type. His name is Adam Lambert.

The End

September 16th, 2009